If you've ever lost your Phone, take solace in the thought that maybe - just maybe - a mouse family now has a flat-screen TV.
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The Tesco Everyday Value lasagne is so horrible, the serving suggestion on the box is just a picture of it in a bin.
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I was driving round Liverpool following the SatNav and got lost!
Turns out someone nicked the satellite.
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Hey! Swordfish!
You're looking pretty fucking cocky now.........just just you wait till evolution creates a Penfish.
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I saw my mate sat at the bar crying last night so I walked up to him and asked if everything was ok?
"It's so hard having your kids taken into care" he said.
"But your kids aren't in care?"
"I know" he sobbed.
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Do not leave your dog in a car on a hot day. 30ºC outside is 50ºC inside.
Dogs need to be cooked at 180ºC or you'll get food poisoning.
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I'm so tired, I could dream a horse.
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A man went into a pub & asked if they did cash back.
"Yes we do" replied the barmaid.
"Good, can I have the £40 I spent last night, the wifes going fucking mental."
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I hate people who write things on the internet that are indirectly focussed on a single person.
.
.
.
You know who you are.
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I went into a church once, and lit a candle for each one of my sins.
I did 15 years for arson.
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I woke up with a few grey hairs on my pillow this morning.
That's the last time I get drunk at a bingo night.
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The Beach Boys are doing a series of concerts to raise money for African charities.
They want to help Rwanda, help, help Rwanda.
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One of my drinking pals has been divorced by his wife because of his advancing Parkinson's Disease and to be honest, I couldn't be happier.
I was sick of the wedding ring tapping on his glass.
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If you fart in front of Renee Zelleweger, how can you tell if she smells it?
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"I have a dream", Martin Luther King Jr, 28 Aug 1963
"I have a drone", Barack Hussein Obama, 28 Aug 2013
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Wouldn't it be great if people had numbers above their heads representing the number of people they'd slept with?
Boys could quickly work out how easy their date was, girls would know if their man was cheating, and I'd get a really cool halo.
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Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones have announced their separation.
This is very distressing for Zeta Jones as it comes soon after her personal trainer, gardener and favourite pool boy were all diagnosed with throat cancer.
If you've ever lost your Phone, take solace in the thought that maybe - just maybe - a mouse family now has a flat-screen TV.
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I was at work the other day and my laptop crashed.
Then everyone else's laptops slowed down so they can see what happened.
I saw my mate sat at the bar crying last night so I walked up to him and asked if everything was ok?
"It's so hard having your kids taken into care" he said.
"But your kids aren't in care?"
"I know" he sobbed.
=====
Do not leave your dog in a car on a hot day. 30ºC outside is 50ºC inside.
Dogs need to be cooked at 180ºC or you'll get food poisoning.
=====
A man went into a pub & asked if they did cash back.
"Yes we do" replied the barmaid.
"Good, can I have the £40 I spent last night, the wifes going fucking mental."
=====
I went into a church once, and lit a candle for each one of my sins.
I did 15 years for arson.
=====
The Beach Boys are doing a series of concerts to raise money for African charities.
They want to help Rwanda, help, help Rwanda.
=====
One of my drinking pals has been divorced by his wife because of his advancing Parkinson's Disease and to be honest, I couldn't be happier.
I was sick of the wedding ring tapping on his glass.
=====
"I have a dream", Martin Luther King Jr, 28 Aug 1963
"I have a drone", Barack Hussein Obama, 28 Aug 2013
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I don't envy the person who will have the job of Courtroom Artist at Rolf Harris' trial. Talk about pressure.
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I went to a fancy dress party as a spider last night.
No idea what time I crawled in.
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I bought a Rough Guide to Newcastle.
It just said, 'All of it'.
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So, allegedly, the hereditary leader of North Korea had his ex-lover assassinated.
Thank goodness nothing like that could ever happen in the UK.
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I know understand why, on Animal Hospital, Rolf Harris got so excited when he was told they'd be looking at a young beaver.
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Thanks a lot, Miley Cyrus. Now my 8 year old is twerking around the house in a bikini.
He should have been at football practice half an hour ago.
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When I gave up smoking, everywhere I went I saw people smoking.
When I gave up drinking, everywhere I went I saw people drinking.
Think I might give up watching lesbian porn.
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Man hits woman over the head with frying pan. - BBC drama
Woman hits man over the head with frying pan. - BBC comedy.
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I was always called an "ugly kid" growing up and I'm apparently the only kid who wasn't molested by a celebrity in the 80s I'm starting to believe I was.
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BBC News: Scientists have successfully grown tiny brains in the laboratory for the first time.
Transplants for Chavs will begin next week.
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Everyone was screaming and panicking the first time I went hang gliding,
In hind sight, I probably shouldn't have used all clear plastic to make it.
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I've found an incredible way of creating new swear words.
Simply stub your toe when exiting the shower
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I don't know why everyone's having a go at Rolf Harris, he's a lovely bloke, he taught me the proper to blow on a didgeridoo.
Although I don't know why we were in a dark closet, And they're smaller than they look.
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"It says here that supermarkets are a good place to meet single women." said my sister, reading a magazine. "No one's ever asked me out in a supermarket." she added.
"That's because they take one look at your trolley and think you're married with four kids." I replied.
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'One Direction-This Is Us' went on general release yesterday.
Although in a better world it would have went in general waste.
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I'm in a band called Schrodinger, catch us live on our upcoming 'Dead or Alive' tour.
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So they've added "twerking" to the Oxford dictionary,
What a waste of time.
It's obvious the people who use that word can't even read.