BBC News: 'Anti-cancer virus' shows promise.
Isn't this exactly how I Am Legend began?
=====
Lionel Messi, David Villa and Cristiano Ronaldo have been spotted at Swansea's training ground.
Apparently the chance to play against Arsenal's defence was too good to turn down.
=====
I've just been to court for shagging a four year old.
Don't worry, I'm not a filthy paedophile.
It was my dog.
=====
World Health Organisation - Circumcision reduces the risk of AIDS by 60%.
Another good way is not sticking your dick into strange men's arses in public toilets.
=====
My mate suffered 75% burns to his face and arms last year and he just said to me, "What would you do if you looked like me?"
I said, "I'd pull on a T-Shirt and head down to the local crematorium and start shouting, "I demand a full refund!"
=====
Where do women pee?
Because all I ever see are signs for Men and Scottish Men.
=====
How many McCanns does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They pretend its fine left as it is, open a window and fuck off out for a meal.
=====
Me and the wife decided to play monopoly the other day. She picked the car.
Long story short, she ran into 4 of my hotels and there's two dead with a third in a coma.
=====
Why did Owen Hargreaves cross the road?
I don't know, but he pulled his hamstring doing it.
=====
Transfer Deadline Day would be more fun if it was conducted like an FA Cup draw.
"Carlos Tevez"..."and he'll join"..."Blackburn".
=====
If I was a footballer I'd drive round loads of grounds on the final day of transfers just to wind up the Sky Sports News reporters.
=====
BBC News: Land Rover confirms new Defender
Even a car firm knows what to do Wenger.
=====
What's the difference between a church choirmaster and a gynecologist?
A church choirmaster fucks his singers............
=====
"I'll have a consonant please, another consonant and another consonant, a consonant again, another consonant,
a consonant again, then another consonant, consonant again, another consonant and, finally, a consonant."
And that is why there isn't a Welsh version of Countdown.
=====
Why do men twist their wedding rings?
They are trying to work out the combination.
=====
Colleen Rooney say's to Wayne ,"Knock knock"
Wayne got up and went to answer the door.
=====
Sometimes I like sitting on my cock until it falls asleep.
That way it feels like I'm giving someone else a handjob.
=====
Man Utd fan in work today was shooting his mouth off saying we're going to win this, we're going to win that.
Thankfully one of the other ref's told Howard to shut the fuck up.
=====
When Wenger's alarm clock sounded this morning, his wife said, "wake up Arsene, it's 9".
"Oh for fucks sake have they scored again?!"
=====
My doctor told me I have to give up half of my sex life.
Now I have to decide which half I should give up, thinking about it or talking about it?
=====
I've been practicing my hammer throwing ready for the Olympics.
Now I'm banned from B&Q.
=====
So Beyonce and Jay-Z have decided to name their child, Bay-B.
=====
My wife was feeling horny last night and tried to wake me up at two in the morning by rubbing her pussy on my face and sucking on her dildo.
I said, "Don't do that"
She said, "Why, are you too tired?"
I said, "No, I had it up my arse this afternoon"
=====
My daughter walked in to catch me having sex with her best friend today.
"You're sick Dad!" she cried. "I'm gonna tell everyone!"
"Like who? You've got no mates," I replied. "I mean... your best friend's a cat for fuck's sake."
=====
Ever since I found out my girlfriend "pretends" to orgasm, I started "pretending" to get her vagina confused with her anus.
=====
A chicken and egg are both in bed.
The chicken is smoking and grinning happily.
The egg looks pissed off and says, "We'll, that answers THAT fucking question."
=====
A blonde girl rushes home from school one day and tells her mum, "Mummy! Mummy! Today in class the other girls could only count to 3, but i could count to 5! 1,2,3,4,5! see!"
The mum replies, "Thats nice dear."
The girls says, "Is it because I'm blonde mummy?"
The mum replies, "Yes dear.
The next day the girl rushes home again and tells her mum, "Mummy! Mummy! Today in class, the other children could go up to F but i could go up to I! a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i! see!"
The mum replies, "Thats nice dear."
The girls says, "Is it because I'm blonde mummy?"
The mum replies, "Yes dear."
The next day the girl rushes home and tell hers mum, "Mummy! Mummy! Today in the showers, all the other girls had flat chests, but i had these, and lifting up her shirt reveals a pair of 32C's"
The mum replies, "Thats' nice dear."
The girls says, "Is it because I'm blonde mummy?"
The mum replies, "No! Its because your fucking 35!"
BBC News: 'Owen Hargreaves to sign 'pay-as-you-play' deal at Man City.'
He's on the dole then.
=====
A good name for anti virus software would be 'Condom'.
As it affects performance you don't really see the need for it, until it's too late and your either riddled with shit, or someone is taking all your money.
=====
If Lidl want us to re-use their carrier bags, then why the fuck do they
print 'Lidl' on them in big fuck-off lettering?
=====
I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.''
"That's a cat."
=====
"Are you wearing one of those nobbly condoms?" asked my one-night stand.
"Nah," I said, "It's the rash."
=====
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Debra Meaden.
I'm out.
=====
What do you get if you cross Jedward with a fuckwit?
Jedward.
=====
My wife stepped out of the changing room in a black and white stripped dress.
"How does it look?" She asked.
"Like a zebra crossing after an earthquake."
=====
Mate mate told me that he lead the Teenage ninja turtles to defeat Shredder last night.
Then apparently the ketamin wore off and all that was left was four mangled lettuce and a cheese grater.
=====
Show me a man who isn't waiting for a reason not to expose himself and I'll show you mine.
=====
I think I know why Willy Wonka REALLY gave Charlie the Chocolate Factory.
So he could pass on the law suit he'd most likely face for crippling those four innocent little kids.
=====
I was in bed with the missus and thought I'd try my luck at a bit of anal.
I said "We've been together for 3 years now babe, I think we should try something new."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" she said with a cheeky smile.
"I think so babe" I said excitedly.
"Brilliant" she said, "I wondered when it was my turn to have an orgasm."
=====
A psychiatrist is talking to a female patient about her sex life. 'When you make love do you ever look your husband in the face.'
'I did it only once,' replies the women, 'but he looked very angry.'
'And why do you think that was?' asks the psychiatrist. The woman relpies,
'Because he was looking through the window at the time.'
=====
Personally I was very affected by the all those adverts telling me to adopt an African child for 5 pounds a month.
Unlike Arsene Wenger though, I didn't use it as advice for managing a football club
=====
I'm quite glad our education system is so shit.
I had my wallet nicked on a business trip to Birmingham recently.
Luckily they caught the lad who did it, trying to buy an Xbox with my organ donor card.
=====
Early reports claim that Arsene Wenger has been caught speeding.
It's understood that he'll do anything for three points.
=====
Officer: Did you know your back light is out
Me: Well no sir. I dont know if you noticed, but I'm inside the car.
=====
The tooth fairy teaches children that it's OK to sell body parts for money.
=====
Harry Redknapp is sitting in a pub drowning his sorrows when in walks a glum Arsene Wenger.
"Shit weekend, eh? You had a right drubbing against Man. City" said Webber.
"Et tu Brute?" says Harry.
"Don't you fucking start, I'm fed up hearing the fucking score," replied Wenger.
=====
A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.
"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.
"It's the dog," proclaims the guy.
"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly."
=====
You know you've taken beastiality too far when your dog sniffs another dogs arse and you start crying, pack up your clothes and go stay at your mothers for a week.
=====
An alcoholic, a chain smoker and a homosexual go to the doctors.
The doctor says "If any of you indulge one more time, you'll die."
As they walk home they pass a bar. The alcoholic has a shot of whisky and falls off his stool, stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.
As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looks at the chain smoker and says, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both fucking dead!"
=====
My wife calls my cock "fire cracker".
Not because it lights up her evening but because she likes to keep it a arms length away since it went off in her face the last time.
=====
My friend will never forgive me for what we did to him at his wedding ceremony.
As the vicar said 'If anyone knows any reason of why these two should not be wed, speak now' I got my 4 year old nephew to run down the isle shouting 'Daddy, daddy!' then ran and hugged his leg and wouldn't let go.
The look on his wife's face was priceless!
=====
Jedward are confirming the theory that the egg that split to form them was actually trying to destroy itself.
=====
What do you call a robot that wears shit clothes?
Optimus Primark.
=====
BBC News: 'Gaddaffi might of slipped into Jordan'.
Oh my God! Is there anyone that she won't fuck?
=====
Lost my job at McDonalds yesterday.
The Management seems to have a different definition of seeded bun.
=====
I'm such a light weight. Before I go out and get drunk, I draw a penis on my forehead just to save my friends the trouble.
=====
I walked in to a pub toilet earlier, the guy next to me said "I'm so drunk I'm pissing tequila"
That's the last time I'm falling for that one.
=====
Give a chav a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Give a chav a fishing rod and he'll put it through your letter box and steal your car keys.
=====
Knock, Knock
Whos there?
Chlamydia
Is not the best way to inform your girlfriend you've given her an STD.
=====
Me and a mate were standing in a club.
As a group of girls walked past I looked at one and said to my mate, "She'd get it."
She stopped and said, "How rude, you'll never get it."
She looked quite smug and rather pleased with herself until I told her we were discussing people who would be eligible for disability allowance.
=====
Whoever invented 'Ladies First' is a fucking genius.
It's the easiest way to stare at a woman's arse without getting caught.
=====
Good news! My support group for premature ejaculation finished early today.
=====
I refuse to let my son become a mime. It's frightening how many of them end up on the street.
=====
I have to admit to the fact I've been fox hunting again recently, or stalking as Megan calls it.
=====
My little brother just told me his GCSE results. Last time I heard that many D's Match of the Day was starting.
=====
It was the cup final. As the manager, I had to make the players believe they could win.
I said, "Norwich are a great team, but they're human. They've got 11 heads, 22 arms and 22 legs. We can beat them!"
As they ran onto the pitch, I shouted, "Let's show these fuckers how to play 5-a-side football!"
=====
I'd love to have seen my neighbour's face when she saw my dick.
Unfortunately that's not a luxury you have when you're dangling it through her letterbox.
=====
Come on admit it, you sang the Match of the Day theme tune in your head at the exam joke.
He's on the dole then.
=====
A good name for anti virus software would be 'Condom'.
As it affects performance you don't really see the need for it, until it's too late and your either riddled with shit, or someone is taking all your money.
=====
If Lidl want us to re-use their carrier bags, then why the fuck do they
print 'Lidl' on them in big fuck-off lettering?
=====
I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.''
"That's a cat."
=====
"Are you wearing one of those nobbly condoms?" asked my one-night stand.
"Nah," I said, "It's the rash."
=====
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Debra Meaden.
I'm out.
=====
What do you get if you cross Jedward with a fuckwit?
Jedward.
=====
My wife stepped out of the changing room in a black and white stripped dress.
"How does it look?" She asked.
"Like a zebra crossing after an earthquake."
=====
Mate mate told me that he lead the Teenage ninja turtles to defeat Shredder last night.
Then apparently the ketamin wore off and all that was left was four mangled lettuce and a cheese grater.
=====
Show me a man who isn't waiting for a reason not to expose himself and I'll show you mine.
=====
I think I know why Willy Wonka REALLY gave Charlie the Chocolate Factory.
So he could pass on the law suit he'd most likely face for crippling those four innocent little kids.
=====
I was in bed with the missus and thought I'd try my luck at a bit of anal.
I said "We've been together for 3 years now babe, I think we should try something new."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" she said with a cheeky smile.
"I think so babe" I said excitedly.
"Brilliant" she said, "I wondered when it was my turn to have an orgasm."
=====
A psychiatrist is talking to a female patient about her sex life. 'When you make love do you ever look your husband in the face.'
'I did it only once,' replies the women, 'but he looked very angry.'
'And why do you think that was?' asks the psychiatrist. The woman relpies,
'Because he was looking through the window at the time.'
=====
Personally I was very affected by the all those adverts telling me to adopt an African child for 5 pounds a month.
Unlike Arsene Wenger though, I didn't use it as advice for managing a football club
=====
I'm quite glad our education system is so shit.
I had my wallet nicked on a business trip to Birmingham recently.
Luckily they caught the lad who did it, trying to buy an Xbox with my organ donor card.
=====
Early reports claim that Arsene Wenger has been caught speeding.
It's understood that he'll do anything for three points.
=====
Officer: Did you know your back light is out
Me: Well no sir. I dont know if you noticed, but I'm inside the car.
=====
The tooth fairy teaches children that it's OK to sell body parts for money.
=====
Harry Redknapp is sitting in a pub drowning his sorrows when in walks a glum Arsene Wenger.
"Shit weekend, eh? You had a right drubbing against Man. City" said Webber.
"Et tu Brute?" says Harry.
"Don't you fucking start, I'm fed up hearing the fucking score," replied Wenger.
=====
A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.
"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.
"It's the dog," proclaims the guy.
"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly."
=====
You know you've taken beastiality too far when your dog sniffs another dogs arse and you start crying, pack up your clothes and go stay at your mothers for a week.
=====
An alcoholic, a chain smoker and a homosexual go to the doctors.
The doctor says "If any of you indulge one more time, you'll die."
As they walk home they pass a bar. The alcoholic has a shot of whisky and falls off his stool, stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.
As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looks at the chain smoker and says, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both fucking dead!"
=====
My wife calls my cock "fire cracker".
Not because it lights up her evening but because she likes to keep it a arms length away since it went off in her face the last time.
=====
My friend will never forgive me for what we did to him at his wedding ceremony.
As the vicar said 'If anyone knows any reason of why these two should not be wed, speak now' I got my 4 year old nephew to run down the isle shouting 'Daddy, daddy!' then ran and hugged his leg and wouldn't let go.
The look on his wife's face was priceless!
=====
Jedward are confirming the theory that the egg that split to form them was actually trying to destroy itself.
=====
What do you call a robot that wears shit clothes?
Optimus Primark.
=====
BBC News: 'Gaddaffi might of slipped into Jordan'.
Oh my God! Is there anyone that she won't fuck?
=====
Lost my job at McDonalds yesterday.
The Management seems to have a different definition of seeded bun.
=====
I'm such a light weight. Before I go out and get drunk, I draw a penis on my forehead just to save my friends the trouble.
=====
I walked in to a pub toilet earlier, the guy next to me said "I'm so drunk I'm pissing tequila"
That's the last time I'm falling for that one.
=====
Give a chav a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Give a chav a fishing rod and he'll put it through your letter box and steal your car keys.
=====
Knock, Knock
Whos there?
Chlamydia
Is not the best way to inform your girlfriend you've given her an STD.
=====
Me and a mate were standing in a club.
As a group of girls walked past I looked at one and said to my mate, "She'd get it."
She stopped and said, "How rude, you'll never get it."
She looked quite smug and rather pleased with herself until I told her we were discussing people who would be eligible for disability allowance.
=====
Whoever invented 'Ladies First' is a fucking genius.
It's the easiest way to stare at a woman's arse without getting caught.
=====
Good news! My support group for premature ejaculation finished early today.
=====
I refuse to let my son become a mime. It's frightening how many of them end up on the street.
=====
I have to admit to the fact I've been fox hunting again recently, or stalking as Megan calls it.
=====
My little brother just told me his GCSE results. Last time I heard that many D's Match of the Day was starting.
=====
It was the cup final. As the manager, I had to make the players believe they could win.
I said, "Norwich are a great team, but they're human. They've got 11 heads, 22 arms and 22 legs. We can beat them!"
As they ran onto the pitch, I shouted, "Let's show these fuckers how to play 5-a-side football!"
=====
I'd love to have seen my neighbour's face when she saw my dick.
Unfortunately that's not a luxury you have when you're dangling it through her letterbox.
=====
Come on admit it, you sang the Match of the Day theme tune in your head at the exam joke.