Hurricane Sandy
Gods revenge for Jersey Shore.
=====
My grandfather developed cancer when he was younger.
Some say he's the most evil scientist who ever lived.
=====
I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.
I'll never forget the look on his elbow.
=====
My son was standing at the school gates crying today when I picked him up.
I'm not surprised though, he's been there since Friday.
=====
I was out on a first date when I saw a couple of lads from my football team:
"Alright skipper?" they said, as they walked past.
"Mmmm, I love a man with power..." Purred my date, "especially the captain of a team."
"Oh I'm not the captain, I've just got a really gay run."
=====
My daughter woke up this morning and one of her four hamsters had died.
"Dad, I want another one like it," she said.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes," she replied.
So I reached into the cage, pulled out a second hamster and threw it hard against the wall.
=====
Someone should invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you've pressed snooze 3 times.
=====
Hurricane Sandy, the biggest blow job in the USA since Bill Clinton said to the hard of hearing intern Monica Lewisnsky, "I'd like you to hold my calls and sack my cook".
=====
The first rule of Savile club is nobody talks about Savile club.
Until he's dead and not here to defend himself.
=====
'Be strong'
I whispered to my wi-fi signal.
=====
I once got home to find my ex masturbating in the bedroom.
"What's going on here?"
"What does it look like to you?" she said with a smile.
"A yawning sea lion"
=====
My wife phoned earlier and said "You've been wanking, haven't you?".
"No I haven't" I replied.
"Stop telling lies and admit it!" she shouted.
"Ok I have, how do you know?" I said all embarrassed.
"I've just read the court report in the local paper you fucking pervert!".
=====
The photographer who took topless snaps of Kate Middleton for a French magazine is due to be arrested by police.
A spokesman said, 'Given the size of her tits, we believe he thought he was shooting child pornography.'
=====
I was talking to a friend from London Sunday evening, "I'm Man Utd through and through mate, always have been!" He said.
"I know that." I replied, "But you were the linesman!"
=====
Cupertino, 1997
"As a typical Apple customer, describe yourself and we'll name a product after you."
"I'm a cunt."
"We can only use 4 letters for our product names."
"Use the last 4 or the first 4 letters. I don't care what it's called, I'll still get called a cunt.
=====
You know that kid at the arcade who's just watching the demo and pressing the buttons like they're playing?
That's how I handle adulthood.
=====
As the Jimmy Savile scandal continues to gather pace, Justin Lee Collins must be wondering what he has to do to get noticed.
=====
You know you drink too much when your doctor calls and asks you to destroy your donor card.
=====
Reportedly the only building with electricity in downtown Manhattan is Goldman Sachs, which gets its power from an underground source:Hades
=====
When preparing blood sausage, never cook it in the same pan as crip sausage.
Thought I just heard a Nicki Minaj song coming from the kitchen but it turns out it was just my deaf grandparents
shouting at each other.
=====
My neighbour knocked on my door last night and said, "That music is far too loud, I've got a job to go to in the morning."
"Me too," I replied, "Would you like me to turn it down?"
"Yes please," he smiled.
I said, "Okay, I'll ring them in a minute and say I can't make it."
=====
So now we all know why Pudsey has an Eye Patch.
so he couldn't see half the shit that was going on at the BBC.
=====
A New Yorker swims into a bar.
=====
A woman stopped me on the street corner and asked, "Could you spare a minute for Cancer Research?"
I said, "Sure, but I don't think we'll get much done."
=====
I love the leauge cup and the way the sponsers have followed my life.
When I was a kid it was the Milk Cup.
When I was a teenager it was the Coca Cola Cup.
When I was in my twenties it was the Carling Cup.
And now I'm in my thirties with a Wife and Kids it's the Capital One Cup.
=====
Many Americans understand how overworked and understaffed their police force is during hurricane Sandy.
So, they think they're not going to get caught if they go looting.
I'd like to remind them that the same thing applies if they kill the Kardashians.
=====
I haven't got a twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times.
I've got three followers so far, but I think two are cops.
=====
Did Mark Clattenburg really make inappropriate comments, or is John Terry the world's greatest ventriloquist?
=====
My ex's vagina is like the Tardis.
Except it's had more doctors in it.
=====
The first rule of Alzheimer's club is.....Milk and two sugars please.
=====
I've just heard the government is thinking about bringing in new stealth taxes.
I for one can't wait, imagine how fast you can get to work in one of those fuckers!
=====
A great technique for shoplifting is sticking the items down your boxers.
Doesn't work so well with mousetraps though.
=====
My ex caught me shagging her mum last night.
That's what she gets for not putting her in the morgue.
=====
Last night on the way home from the pub, it was a magic carpet.
This morning, it's just a doormat I nicked.
=====
"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.
"No thanks," she replied.
"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it."
She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."
"It's on the scales."
=====
There's a new cocktail called the 'Sandy'.
It's really just a watered down Manhattan.
=====
So, the world is £4 trillion in debt.
Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?
=====
After I read her the riot act, my daughter decided that Mum's bedtime stories are much better.
=====
I walked into a pet shop and said to the cashier, "I just overheard somebody saying that you are now selling stockings for dogs?"
"That's right," she smiled, "Are you interested?"
"Very interested, are they hold ups?"
=====
With the sparkly surnamed celebrities Starr and Glitter now both arrested, Neil Diamond must be shitting himself.
=====
My wife texted me earlier to tell me she wanted to start acting more slutty in the bedroom.
I was really excited, until I got home and saw the queue outside the door.