Pilot: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking.
First the good news - you all get to be on TV tonight.
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What do you call a dyslexic neurosurgeon?
Brian
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Pepperami - its a bit of an animal.
Mainly the mechanically recovered bit.
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You people with hay fever say it couldn't get any worse?
What if I told you pollen was just plant sperm?
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The only PR in Max Clifford's future now is Prison Rape
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BBC News: Paul Simon has been charged with domestic violence.
Make that 51 ways.
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Just did a Facebook quiz to find out which non-famous person I am. I got John Brown, a cleaner from Skegness.
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Husband: "Please love, for the love of God, I can't make it on my own."
Wife:"Oh for fucks sake Dave, it's just a cup of tea."
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For years my mum has been convinced that she is a chicken.
We never bothered getting her treated though.
We needed the eggs.
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Steven Gerrard walks into a Ba.
And that son is how Liverpool missed out on the 2014 Premier League title.
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Teacher: "Can you give me an example of a sentence that contains 'eyebrows' in it?"
Little Johnny: "Instead of concentrating in class, eyebrows the internet for porn on my smartphone."
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I was once in a band called Dense Constipation.
We played some heavy shit.
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You'll never walk alone?
Does that mean that you mugging fuckers operate in gangs now?
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I heard that Yoga class was a great place to meet women, so I went every day for three months.
Bad news is I didn't meet a girl.
Good news is I can now give myself a blowjob.
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It all comes to light after they die doesn't it?
Jimmy Savile ....... abusing children in hospital.
Cyril Smith.......abusing young boys at a school.
Justin Bieber....... here's hoping.
The other day I found out tin foil can be washed then reused again.
And also cuts your arse to ribbons.
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Statistics show that the current generation is the first for two hundred years to be worse off than the one before it.
For example, I'm a dustman and I can't even afford a hat.
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I tried teaching my dog to dance.
Turns out he's got 2 left feet
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I've just bought my first pack of Panini stickers for my Brazil 2014 album.
It's a bit shit.
They're all just pictures of bread.
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The greatest thing about Hugh Hefner is that he has loads of money, beautiful women and plenty of fancy cars yet never has the felt need to rap about it.
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The Taliban have announced that they now have a stealth bomber.
Sounds impressive, until you find out it's just a guy wearing a rucksack underneath his
jacket.
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Everytime I hear a newsreader say "Sir Cyril Smith" I think they're practising their Arkwright impression.
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Someone told me my shirt was gay.
She could be right I guess,it did come out of the closet this morning.
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I was in a band called 'Broken Penis Pump'.
We never made it big.
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When actors enter a villain's house, do they think that their 'Anybody here?' would get a response from the killer like, 'Yeah, I'm in the kitchen making a sandwich, want one?'
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Where do they imprison shoe bombers?
Brantanamo Bay.
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Apparently a local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
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I was in a band called 'The Foreskins'.
We mostly play cheesy covers.
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Wind turbines are a waste of time, every picture I see them in, they are never turning.
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I bought one of those watches that tell you how far you've walked. It says I did 1500 miles last night.
Must be broken. I was in bed watching porn.
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Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos watched.
The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.
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I'm really confused.
I keep dreaming I'm an insomniac.
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"What is your fucking problem?"
Said the rude sex therapist.
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My girlfriend calls my penis 'The Tardis'. Not because it's bigger once inside, but because it's blue, and spends a lot of time with the Doctor...
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BBC News: Heroin had a hand in Peaches Geldofs' death.
I've put my money on Wonder Woman, she can be an evil bastard sometimes.
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I was very impressed last night by a covers band from Yorkshire singing "Love Will Keep Us Together"
They were called Captain and t'Neil