This is what crazy looks like, via text messaging.
Religion.
A childrens bed time story that kinda got out of hand.
=====
"What's makes a Mother's Day card from Moonpig different? You can customise it with their name."
Thanks Moonpig, I've been really struggling to find a Mother's Day card with "Mum" on it.
======
My girlfriend failed to get a job as a page 3 girl in The Sun.
She's pretty enough and her tits are awesome, but sadly she doesn't have a vapid opinion on world events.
=====
I'm selling an Xbox game online, and just got a message asking why I've put collection only due to size and weight.
I'm morbidly obese and can't get to the post office.
=====
I've just killed a Spider with a Newspaper.
Well, I say killed.
I showed it Jordan's column in the Sun and it comitted suicide.
=====
Just bought a Greek salad.
Seemed only right, he didn't have any money.
=====
Flights to England were cancelled again last Monday.
Due to the dust cloud caused by the opening of the Liverpool trophy cabinet.
=====
What do I have in common with James Corden and Jim Davidson?
Shit jokes.
=====
What does a masturbating duck say?
Wank wank wank wank.
=====
I felt terrible about killing a wild bear with a knife and a shovel.
I'd learned that when one of them approaches your children you have to strike hard and fast.
I also just learned that Koalas aren't great fighters.
=====
If dolphins were as smart as people say, they'd stop hanging around with tuna fish.
=====
My friend got mad at me playing Scrabble.
"Smonzulak" she said, "How can that be a word?"
"Of course it is!"
"I've never heard of it, I bet you can't use it in a sentence" she said.
"Sure I can" I told her, "I don't know what Spondulak means."
122 points with a triple word bonus and 50 points for using all 7 tiles!
=====
I woke up to breakfast in bed this morning.
Unfortunately it was yesterday's, and fuck knows where the carrots came from.
=====
''This year, surprise yourself and visit Scotland''.
They're right.
I would be very surprised if I visited Scotland.
=====
I've recently joined PAULA.
People Against the Use of Incorrect Acronyms.
=====
I saw a butterfly on the floor with no wings.
So I poured some redbull on it and BAM!
It drowned.
=====
Sky Sports News: Chisora banned from boxing for fighting.
In other news:
Usain Bolt banned from athletics for speeding.
And
Rory Mcilroy banned from golf for losing ball in tiny hole.
=====
My wife & I didn't get off to a good start today at the marriage guidance clinic.
When asked how many times a week we had sex , my answer was seven more than hers.
=====
Just got a golden retriever.
He's brought back rabbits, ducks, even wood pigeons
No gold yet though.
=====
Next up on Syrian TV, "Homs Under The Hammer"
=====
Apple have announced that the iPad 3 will be released within days.
Thank fuck for that.
People have been desperate to upgrade their iPad 2 for something more expensive that does exactly the same thing.
=====
What the book says: "The curtain was blue"
What the teacher says: "The blue colour of the curtain exemplify's the protagonists depression. This is a key element to the premise of the story"
What the author meant: "Blue!.......It's just fucking blue!"
=====
I've nicknamed my penis "The kitchen"
My girlfriend doesn't spend enough time there, and thankfully men don't go near it.
=====
I call it: "Running some flight trajectory simulations in my Fortress Of Solitude."
She calls it: "Playing Angry Birds on the Shitter."
=====
My wife gives a cracking hand job.
That's osteoporosis for you.
What's black, white and red all over?
The nun that tried to stop me driving through the graveyard.
=====
My brother became a hippy because he believed in free love.
I got beaten up by a pimp for the same reason.
=====
A father is a man with pictures in his wallet where he used to keep his money when he was single.
=====
David Attenborough says he'd like to see a dinosaur brought back to life before he dies.
Seriously, has he learned nothing from his brother?
=====
"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"That's because you're a twat."
=====
My mate asked, "What would you do if you had Richard Branson's money?"
"Probably spend it before he noticed it was missing."
=====
Scientist's have found that many women develop "Hoover Disease".
After years of marriage, they begin to make a continuous whining noise but don't suck any more.
=====
My wife wanted her body to be left to science.
I choose...........Archaeology.
=====
Why does Batman drive the Batmobile?
Because it's his.
=====
Christian prayer logic:
If it comes true: Praise the lord!
If it doesn't: God works in mysterious ways.
=====
I will be enjoying a long sensual bath with my girlfriend this evening.
Well that sounds more socially acceptable than "I'm decrusting my sex doll".
=====
I got a sick-note off the doctor today.
It said " Your wife's got a really tight arsehole."
=====
What if one day you actually had to shop for cream pies on the internet?
=====
I learned tonight that Craig Bellamy classed himself as one of Gary Speed's closest friends.
Suddenly it all begins to make sense.
=====
It's actually quite amazing when you think how many historic battles were fought in national parks.
=====
In World War 1, 15 million people died.
That's okay though, because a horse survived.
=====
Unlike most people, I am delighted that Justin Bieber's 18.
That means I can now kick his ass without getting a child assault charge to my name.
=====
I'm still waiting for the "once you go black, you never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
=====
Ant McPartlin is ill, after sleeping with his partner for years.
It's probably decades.
=====
My wife repeatedly punches me in the kidneys whenever she orgasms.
I didn't mind it all that much............Until I found out she was faking them.
=====
According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not erect.
Which is perfectly understandable considering how fucking ugly Neanderthal woman was.
=====
So, Snooki is Pregnant and is due on December 21st
(Who the fuck is Snooki? I had to Google).
Spot on Mayans, spot fucking on.
=====
Facebook is a lot like a fridge.
When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes but nothing ever changes.
=====
The phrase "the camera never lies" is completely true.
I asked mine, what trophies Arsenal are going to win this year, and it said nothing.
=====
I've just heard the new Professor Green single on the radio.
What a load of shit.
Stick to Cluedo, you .
=====
So this new government work experience scheme, there's been all this uproar about, see's claimants work but still get dole money.
That'll fuck with Jeremy Kyle's head.
=====
What are Whitney Houston and Davy Jones getting for Christmas?
Justin Bieber..........Hopefully.
=====
Robbie Savage says "Phil Jones is a better player than Duncan Edwards was at his age".
I agree, but only because Edwards had died in Munich by that age.
=====
Three blokes are in the pub bragging about how lazy they have been recently.
"I was walking down the street and saw a £50 note on the ground but was too lazy to pick it up," says the first bloke.
"I reckon I was lazier," says the next bloke. "I came home one evening to find a gorgeous woman lying naked in my bed. Even though I was really horny, I was too lazy to touch her, never mind fuck her."
"That's nothing," says the third bloke. "I was in the cinema for two hours screaming my head off."
"That's not lazy at all," says the first bloke. "Sounds like hard work to me!"
"Oh it was definitely lazy. I sat down on my balls and couldn't be arsed getting up again."
The nun that tried to stop me driving through the graveyard.
=====
My brother became a hippy because he believed in free love.
I got beaten up by a pimp for the same reason.
=====
A father is a man with pictures in his wallet where he used to keep his money when he was single.
=====
David Attenborough says he'd like to see a dinosaur brought back to life before he dies.
Seriously, has he learned nothing from his brother?
=====
"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"That's because you're a twat."
=====
My mate asked, "What would you do if you had Richard Branson's money?"
"Probably spend it before he noticed it was missing."
=====
Scientist's have found that many women develop "Hoover Disease".
After years of marriage, they begin to make a continuous whining noise but don't suck any more.
=====
My wife wanted her body to be left to science.
I choose...........Archaeology.
=====
Why does Batman drive the Batmobile?
Because it's his.
=====
Christian prayer logic:
If it comes true: Praise the lord!
If it doesn't: God works in mysterious ways.
=====
I will be enjoying a long sensual bath with my girlfriend this evening.
Well that sounds more socially acceptable than "I'm decrusting my sex doll".
=====
I got a sick-note off the doctor today.
It said " Your wife's got a really tight arsehole."
=====
What if one day you actually had to shop for cream pies on the internet?
=====
I learned tonight that Craig Bellamy classed himself as one of Gary Speed's closest friends.
Suddenly it all begins to make sense.
=====
It's actually quite amazing when you think how many historic battles were fought in national parks.
=====
In World War 1, 15 million people died.
That's okay though, because a horse survived.
=====
Unlike most people, I am delighted that Justin Bieber's 18.
That means I can now kick his ass without getting a child assault charge to my name.
=====
I'm still waiting for the "once you go black, you never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
=====
Ant McPartlin is ill, after sleeping with his partner for years.
It's probably decades.
=====
My wife repeatedly punches me in the kidneys whenever she orgasms.
I didn't mind it all that much............Until I found out she was faking them.
=====
According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not erect.
Which is perfectly understandable considering how fucking ugly Neanderthal woman was.
=====
So, Snooki is Pregnant and is due on December 21st
(Who the fuck is Snooki? I had to Google).
Spot on Mayans, spot fucking on.
=====
Facebook is a lot like a fridge.
When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes but nothing ever changes.
=====
The phrase "the camera never lies" is completely true.
I asked mine, what trophies Arsenal are going to win this year, and it said nothing.
=====
I've just heard the new Professor Green single on the radio.
What a load of shit.
Stick to Cluedo, you .
=====
So this new government work experience scheme, there's been all this uproar about, see's claimants work but still get dole money.
That'll fuck with Jeremy Kyle's head.
=====
What are Whitney Houston and Davy Jones getting for Christmas?
Justin Bieber..........Hopefully.
=====
Robbie Savage says "Phil Jones is a better player than Duncan Edwards was at his age".
I agree, but only because Edwards had died in Munich by that age.
=====
Three blokes are in the pub bragging about how lazy they have been recently.
"I was walking down the street and saw a £50 note on the ground but was too lazy to pick it up," says the first bloke.
"I reckon I was lazier," says the next bloke. "I came home one evening to find a gorgeous woman lying naked in my bed. Even though I was really horny, I was too lazy to touch her, never mind fuck her."
"That's nothing," says the third bloke. "I was in the cinema for two hours screaming my head off."
"That's not lazy at all," says the first bloke. "Sounds like hard work to me!"
"Oh it was definitely lazy. I sat down on my balls and couldn't be arsed getting up again."