I've been working in Iceland for the last two weeks as a meteorologist.
So far I've found the vast majority of their pies need to be meatier.
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My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I didn't stop living in a fantasy world.
So I stopped.
Now she's fucking disappeared.
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I am sick of all these Air Asia jokes.
To quote one of their biggest hits, please give a little respect.
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'Very rare tiger kills and eats own cubs in Jerusalem zoo'
Call me judgemental, I don't think these tigers really want to survive.
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According to physics, nothing ever quite touches. When you lay your hand on something, there is a microscopic amount of space between the atoms of your hand and whatever you're touching.
So no officer, I'm not jacking off right now.
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'Breaking Bad' is an anagram of 'Baking Bread'.
Good to know that my degree hasn't been wasted.
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I got some Danny Dyer chocolates for Christmas.
They looked really hard.
Turns out they're not.
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I call my German friend 'Einstein'.
He's pissed after one pint.
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I spent three hours alone with two sex kittens last night.
Up until then, they were just kittens.
Then my parents left.
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I was standing next to some man and his two toddlers waiting for the green man when I saw a gap and thought,fuck it and quickly crossed the road.
He then shouted from the other side, "You're setting a very bad example for the kids,you know!"
"Why?" I shouted back, "There was clearly a gap there."
"Not that you moron! Put some bloody clothes on."
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BBC News: Malaysian officials have confirmed that the country has purchased the Bermuda Triangle earlier this year
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My mate is married to an identical twin and I asked him how he tells them apart.
He told me that it's easy.
His wife's the bitter one who resists his sexual advances.
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Yesterday I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy.
None of them were what I expected.
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I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no Cure.
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What do you call a chav Kraftwerk tribute act?
Kraft.
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BBC News: A leading doctor says cancer is "the best way" to die and insists we should stop wasting billions of pounds on a cure.
Dr Rothman King-Size was unavailable for comment today.
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I don't think any of the 3 planes that disappeared last year crashed.
I reckon they're making the sequel to Snakes on a Plane.
Sharks on a plane.
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I became suspicious of my new Scout group the moment I heard that Akela had changed the motto from 'be prepared' to 'brace yourself.'
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I've been listening to a Jimi Hendrix album for most of the day.
I can't wait until track two comes on.
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Kids don't realise just how good they have got it these days.
Back before The Jeremy Kyle show we used to have to buy a ticket to the circus to see human freaks of nature.
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I'm like Hugh Hefner... minus the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money.
I have a robe.
I was watching the news video of the Air Asia plane crash wreckage, with the dead passengers floating in the Java Sea, but all the bodies were pixelated.
I can only presume that they must've all been Japanese porn stars.
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Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Dave: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Sue: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Little Johnny: "Homework."
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"Every 2 weeks I go to a really posh bar and assault filmstars."
"Fortnightly?"
"No, but I once punched Renée Zellweger."
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Twice in two days my mate was on the telly at the world darts championship
At this rate he'll be offered a place in next years I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
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I've just had a sex change.
Instead of once a month, the girlfriend's changed it to once every two months.
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What is the most popular cake in Liverpool?
Stollen.
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When is everyone going to wake up and realize the "endorphin rush" you get after a hard work out is just an overwhelming sense of relief that it's over?
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My new blow up doll I got for Christmas has put on a stone already, after all the Christmas festivities.
Maybe I should empty her.
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BBC News: Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter have split up after thirteen years together.
"To be honest, I'm just glad to see the back of the scruffy fucking weirdo."
Either one of them could've said.
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I drove over and killed a guy in Liverpool earlier today, dragging his lifeless body hundreds of yards down the road jammed under my car.
By the time I stopped he was so badly mangled, they had to identify him from the fingerprints on my wheelnuts.
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I'm not so excited
- The Disappointer Sisters
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"You're going down."
"Look mate, I'm not a coward. We can go right outside and have a 1 on 1 fight."
"Just push the button, or get out of the elevator."
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A teenage boy walks into a library, and sheepishly asks the librarian: "Have you got any books with pictures of naked ladies?"
The librarian replies: "Have you checked the catalogue?"
The boys says: "Yes, but they were all wearing underwear."
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I couldn't believe my luck when my girlfriend suggested a sex holiday.
"Oooh," I said, "what did you have in mind?"
"6 months," she replied, "or maybe a year if I'm still not in the mood."
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Just watched "The Interview" online.
North Korea was right, the film should be banned.
It's shit.
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I thought Santa had visited my house early last week.
I was in my bedroom, looked up and saw a man with a big red round face and big fat belly too.
Turns out it was the mirror.
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Catholic leaders have said we should pray for all the persecuted children in the world.
Alternatively they could just stop fucking them.
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So this week I was on the plane, on my way to my holiday, when it fell out of the sky and into the sea.
After miraculously surviving that, I saw a ferry passing by, so I caught it just in time...only for that to burst into flames.
On being rescued, I thought "I'll get the train, what can go wrong with that?" But I missed it because someone tried to cram King's Cross into a station the size of a fucking pea.
So I went to drive. But after being stuck in snow for 12 hours, I was forced to abandon my car.
"Fine! I'll walk!" I said.
And got hit by a fucking bin lorry.