Perhaps it's just me, but is CSI just the adult version of Scooby Doo?
=====
A few friends got together and bought me a sweater.
I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner but you can't have everything.
=====
For years I thought I suffered from dandruff, turns out my hairdresser has eczema.
=====
OCD sufferers.
They need to sort it out.
=====
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think 'you dirty bastard'.
=====
I'm sick of being bombarded with emails telling me how to get a bigger penis.
I should never have given my email address to my ex-girlfriend.
=====
My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.
You should've seen her face when I came home drunk.
=====
If I received a pound every time I couldn't be bothered to count my money, fuck knows how much I would have.
=====
If someone says "You've changed"...they're wrong, the proper term is "I've stopped trying to please you."
=====
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist.
While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it.
Signed: The Opportunist
=====
The Pope is told by a doctor that he is suffering from a special testicular disease that can only be cured by having sex. He must go through with this or he will surely die.
The Pope says, "I have four conditions. The woman must be blind so she does not see me, deaf so she cannot hear me and mute so she cannot tell anyone of what we did."
The Doctor says, "And what is your fourth condition?"
"Massive tits."
=====
I was devastated when my wife refused me the right to see my kids.
So I did what any normal father would do, and dressed up as BatMan and climbed on a roof.
=====
Has anybody else seen that video of John Terry's wife on the tram yet?
=====
My Grandad's funeral has cost us over £12,000 so far.
I know Nan wanted him to look smart but we shouldn't have buried him in a rented suit.
=====
According to my sons teacher,"playing on your phone or reading a magazine whilst having a shit" is not an acceptable answer to "what is the number one cause of pins and needles?"
I beg to differ.
=====
A few friends got together and bought me a sweater.
I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner but you can't have everything.
=====
For years I thought I suffered from dandruff, turns out my hairdresser has eczema.
=====
OCD sufferers.
They need to sort it out.
=====
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think 'you dirty bastard'.
=====
I'm sick of being bombarded with emails telling me how to get a bigger penis.
I should never have given my email address to my ex-girlfriend.
=====
My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.
You should've seen her face when I came home drunk.
=====
If I received a pound every time I couldn't be bothered to count my money, fuck knows how much I would have.
=====
If someone says "You've changed"...they're wrong, the proper term is "I've stopped trying to please you."
=====
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist.
While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it.
Signed: The Opportunist
=====
The Pope is told by a doctor that he is suffering from a special testicular disease that can only be cured by having sex. He must go through with this or he will surely die.
The Pope says, "I have four conditions. The woman must be blind so she does not see me, deaf so she cannot hear me and mute so she cannot tell anyone of what we did."
The Doctor says, "And what is your fourth condition?"
"Massive tits."
=====
I was devastated when my wife refused me the right to see my kids.
So I did what any normal father would do, and dressed up as BatMan and climbed on a roof.
=====
Has anybody else seen that video of John Terry's wife on the tram yet?
=====
My Grandad's funeral has cost us over £12,000 so far.
I know Nan wanted him to look smart but we shouldn't have buried him in a rented suit.
=====
According to my sons teacher,"playing on your phone or reading a magazine whilst having a shit" is not an acceptable answer to "what is the number one cause of pins and needles?"
I beg to differ.
BBC News: Man who saved 6 year old girl from being abducted claims to be an illegal immigrant.
Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too.
=====
I've got the worst sense of direction in the world.
Wherever that is.
=====
No I am not single.
I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future.
=====
I read recently that Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.
Though in my experience it does work the other way too.
=====
I was accused of being homophobic in work today by the gay boss.
Well I proved him wrong, but unfortunately copious amoints of lesbian porn in your internet history is enough to get a man fired.
=====
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
=====
My wife recently found out she can't have children, so I bought her a laptop to cheer her up.
I woke up last night and she was standing there just looking at the laptop and crying.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Nothing" she said "I just like watching it while it sleeps"
=====
Imagine having sex with Fatima Whitbread.
Ha ha, you just imagined yourself having sex with Fatima Whitbread.
=====
Ernest Hemingway is where the serious tailors live.
=====
Ironic isn't it that a band can be called One Direction when all the members go both ways.
=====
Those new Nicorette patches are great.
Put one over each eye and you can't find your fags.
=====
I don't know how we managed without the internet.
In the days before Wikipedia, I had to go to the actual library to carefully cut pages out of the Britannica and replace them with ones full of glaring factual inaccuracies.
=====
I'm so old, I remember when X Factor was just Roman sunscreen.
=====
Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.
=====
If you hold a nutshell to your ear, you'll hear a concise summary of a subject.
=====
Why does every guy on MTV Cribs always say when they're showing their bedroom, " this is where the magic happens".
"This is where I wank" would be more like it.
=====
Grab a vote, you've polled.
=====
Just went in to a public convenience for a piss. Ended up having a number two.
Fuck knows why there was a barber in there.
=====
I can't help but wonder why Hell doesn't just hire some scorned women.
=====
The SUN: Amy Winehouse died after battling demons for years.
Awesome way to go, if you ask me.
=====
I was in a shoe shop the other day trying on a pair. I asked the assistant "Have you got a shoe horn?"
"No, I just fucking love working here."
=====
Have you got a WKD side?
Then you're a prick.
=====
I heard JLS's song the other day, 'Do You Feel What I Feel?'.
Well, if the answer is 'underwhelmed', then yes.
=====
I recently got chatting to a womam from Thailand in a nightclub, I wasn't sure if she had a bulge or not.
So I slipped a couple of viagra into her drink.
=====
I have four problems in life: counting, remembering and counting.
=====
I confessed to my girlfriend that I'd lost my previous job as a primary school teacher for having sex with someone in my care.
She was horrified- "Oh my GOD! You're a paedo, get the hell away from me!"
I replied quickly "No I phrased that badly, I didn't have sex with one of the children"
"Oh thank God for that." she said in relief.
"But I am banned from keeping rabbits for ten years."
Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too.
=====
I've got the worst sense of direction in the world.
Wherever that is.
=====
No I am not single.
I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future.
=====
I read recently that Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.
Though in my experience it does work the other way too.
=====
I was accused of being homophobic in work today by the gay boss.
Well I proved him wrong, but unfortunately copious amoints of lesbian porn in your internet history is enough to get a man fired.
=====
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
=====
My wife recently found out she can't have children, so I bought her a laptop to cheer her up.
I woke up last night and she was standing there just looking at the laptop and crying.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Nothing" she said "I just like watching it while it sleeps"
=====
Imagine having sex with Fatima Whitbread.
Ha ha, you just imagined yourself having sex with Fatima Whitbread.
=====
Ernest Hemingway is where the serious tailors live.
=====
Ironic isn't it that a band can be called One Direction when all the members go both ways.
=====
Those new Nicorette patches are great.
Put one over each eye and you can't find your fags.
=====
I don't know how we managed without the internet.
In the days before Wikipedia, I had to go to the actual library to carefully cut pages out of the Britannica and replace them with ones full of glaring factual inaccuracies.
=====
I'm so old, I remember when X Factor was just Roman sunscreen.
=====
Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.
=====
If you hold a nutshell to your ear, you'll hear a concise summary of a subject.
=====
Why does every guy on MTV Cribs always say when they're showing their bedroom, " this is where the magic happens".
"This is where I wank" would be more like it.
=====
Grab a vote, you've polled.
=====
Just went in to a public convenience for a piss. Ended up having a number two.
Fuck knows why there was a barber in there.
=====
I can't help but wonder why Hell doesn't just hire some scorned women.
=====
The SUN: Amy Winehouse died after battling demons for years.
Awesome way to go, if you ask me.
=====
I was in a shoe shop the other day trying on a pair. I asked the assistant "Have you got a shoe horn?"
"No, I just fucking love working here."
=====
Have you got a WKD side?
Then you're a prick.
=====
I heard JLS's song the other day, 'Do You Feel What I Feel?'.
Well, if the answer is 'underwhelmed', then yes.
=====
I recently got chatting to a womam from Thailand in a nightclub, I wasn't sure if she had a bulge or not.
So I slipped a couple of viagra into her drink.
=====
I have four problems in life: counting, remembering and counting.
=====
I confessed to my girlfriend that I'd lost my previous job as a primary school teacher for having sex with someone in my care.
She was horrified- "Oh my GOD! You're a paedo, get the hell away from me!"
I replied quickly "No I phrased that badly, I didn't have sex with one of the children"
"Oh thank God for that." she said in relief.
"But I am banned from keeping rabbits for ten years."