My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.
"What are these little round things?" I asked.
"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?" she said.
"Of course I have. My last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question."
=====
A young priest approached his older colleague.
"Father Brian, I need to confess," he said. "I've performed a despicable act on one of the choirboys."
"This is not the right place for such a confession Michael," the older priest replied.
"You're right. I'll turn myself in to the police."
"The police? Heavens no. I meant save it for Friday evening. A bunch of us meet in Flannagan's to swap stories like this."
=====
This Rooney hating thing has gone too far. I'm outside Old Trafford & there's a guy burning small effigies of Rooney & selling them to fans.
Oh, hang on....it's a baked potato stand.
=====
I bought my bulimic daughter a kite for her birthday.
Never saw her again.
=====
Sky NEws: A squirrel with plague shuts Los Angeles park.
Fucking hell, I know they like their teeth white out there, but that's ridiculous.
=====
I for one hope that the porn industry start a campaign to get the Daily Mail banned.
=====
I've bought my son a hamster for his birthday.
It's not a long-term thing though. It's the cat's birthday next week.
=====
Bratwurst
Sauerkraut
Cabbage
Potatoes
Cheese
Beetroot
Onions
Bread
Butter
Schindler's mum's list.
=====
My ex told me she wanted to become one of those, "Human Barbies".
So I chucked some petrol on her, set her on fire and tried to cook some sausages on her.
Now she's my ex.
=====
I've written a book on being made unemployed.
Ironically, it ends on page 45.
=====
I flashed my lights to let someone out of a junction the other day. "Kindness costs nothing" I thought.
It pissed me off though, when he didn't put his hand up to say thanks, so at the next opportunity I cut him up.
Problem is he's starting to make the loft smell now.
=====
My new date says, shes looking for a man with experience in the bedroom.
I knew those years of social isolation in my room would pay off.
=====
Using a self-service checkout at the supermarket inevitably leads to an argument with the machine that your item IS in the bagging area.
=====
Some say all Chinese look the same, well I disagree.
My special fried rice looks fuck all like my prawn toast
=====
Do you think when a Jehovah's Witness dies God pretends not to be in.
=====
"Are we going into this pole dancing club?" asked my Welsh mate.
"That's a kebab shop"
=====
My driving instructor said I was the worst pupil he'd ever had after I wrecked the car during my test.
"Learner drivers have crashed in the exam before now." I protested.
"Not on the theory test."
"I've got a horrible cold," complained my girlfriend. "I can't taste or smell anything."
Brilliant, I thought as I unzipped my trousers. The final two excuses for not giving me a blow job are no longer valid.
=====
My girlfriend was sat on the floor and said "When you look at me like that I go warm all over".
"I think the dog's just pissed down your back love"
=====
Why can't Politicians take Viagra?
Because they get taller.
=====
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
=====
A Scottish man with Alzheimer's walks past a bar.
=====
Of all the side effects my ADD gives me, pissing my pants has been the worst.
I still have control over my bladder, but I just get bored halfway through a piss and put my cock away.
=====
I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.
They've been sizing each other up for hours.
=====
It's been so long since I have had a girlfriend that my idea of a simultaneous orgasm is when me and the bloke on the DVD come at the same time.
=====
I came out of the pub toilets absolutely soaked. Everyone looked at me so I said 'It's these new fucking glasses!' They all looked puzzled so I explained - 'They're bifocals. I was having a piss and looked down, I could see two cocks and, well, I knew the big one wasn't mine so I put it back in my trousers.'
=====
"I hope this blue uniform and radio doesn't make me look fat."
thought the Insecurity guard as he looked in the mirror.
=====
Fundamentalist Christians say that according to the Bible, the Earth is 6000 years old.
Which is odd because the ancient texts that the Bible was plagiarised from are older than that.
=====
If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make "Microwave."
No, don't test it or question it, just believe me.
=====
Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood.
By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.
=====
I'm so ugly, when I wank I pretend I'm somebody else.
=====
I was cursed by a Gypsy woman once.
I called her a dirty Gypo, and she told me to fuck off.
=====
I illegally watched Hang Over Part 3 for free online, and I still feel like I paid too much.
=====
"Meet curvy local woman...click here"
Or just go down to your local Greggs at lunchtime.
=====
You call it armed robbery.
I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun.
=====
I hate those 'Pay and Display' car parks.
I preferred it when dogging wasn't so commercialised.
=====
Where Fred Astaire danced down the steps, his son Stan just slowly carries an old woman up them.
=====
Finding sweet corn in my poo left me with some questions.
How did it get there when I haven't eaten any?
Why does it not digest properly?
And why is everyone on the train staring at me?
=====
My wife rang the police from her mobile because she thought someone was following her.
She's a shit tour guide.
=====
I used to have a blind friend.
Until he left me hanging with a high five.
=====
My daughter started rubbing a small football on my face. I thought it was no harm, so I let her carry on.
Later, in a restaurant, she said 'I gave daddy a ball massage earlier'.
We didnt stay for dessert.