My butler is such a dick.
He keeps telling me to "move out" and to call him "Dad".
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I'd rather fist my own arse than watch The X Factor.
That's my Saturday night planned, then.
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If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
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My grandad is off his rocker.
I'm a shit carpenter.
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I was in the pub with my mate the other night when he started talking about 'I'm A Celebrity'
He said, "Could you ever eat an ostrich penis?"
"I tried eating one when I was drunk once," I replied, "But I couldn't do it."
"Because the taste was disgusting?"
"No, because it kept kicking me in the head."
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Officials in India are putting wild monkeys on birth control to reduce the population.
Which is brilliant if you're a female monkey who wants to focus on her career.
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I'm quite a handsome guy, in a certain light.
Particularly a 12-Watt one.
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Joey Essex.
Proof that Care in the Community doesn't work.
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I'm not saying my car's a piece of shit, but the bucket seats
Are actual buckets.
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Apparently, Keira Knightley, for her upcoming film, has a no touching clause, so that her co-stars aren't allowed near her, even
in sex scenes, they're all mimed.
First of all, I was like, frigid. But actually it's a health and safety thing, because she doesn't want anyone getting a splinter.
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I filled in a form for Jobseekers Allowance last week and the job centre rang me today to tell me my writing is that bad have I
ever thought of becoming a Doctor.
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As an agoraphobic claustrophobic I find it very difficult to play the Hokey Kokey.
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I once thought I had a Japanese friend
But it was just my imagine Asian'
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Following the success of Movember, a new month has been dedicated to flatulence in aid of charity.
Fartch.
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I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt.
You just get taller.
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My grandad is off his rocker.
I'm such a shit carpenter.
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"Alright, that will be $157,382", said the taxi driver,
after taking Will Smith from West Philadelphia to Bel Air.
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"I know. I know. How about a game of Twister?" he enthused. "Left hands on green."
"Go away Vishnu! You're not playing."
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What's flexible, and leaves a hooker broke?
Me, sucking my own cock.
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The SNP has stated that every Scot would be six hundred pounds a year better off in an independent Scotland.
Or as it's been promoted north of the border...an extra 1300 units of alcohol.
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My sister really fancied Ian Watkins when she was 13.
Who knew that she actually had a chance.
"Son, I think you're losing your mind."
"What makes you say that mum"?
"I died 5 years ago"
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This pile cream I'm using is useless.
There's still a stain on my Axminster carpet.
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Mike Phelan claims he was manager of Utd in all but name for the past 5 years.
The same amount of time I've been Angelina Jolie's boyfriend.
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Sergeant Major, ' I didn't see you at the camouflage outfit training this morning. '
Soldier, ' Thank you, Sergeant Major!'
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I tell girls I'm on performance-related pay.
It sounds better than busker.
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Man: "Man has all the power."
Woman: "The power comes from the socket, not from the plug."
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Sean Connery has always said he would leave The Bahamas and return to his homeland of Scotland, if it ever gained independence.
He must be shitting himself.
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I went to my first kick boxing class today.
In an effort to quit boxing for good this time.
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My mate Dave and I showed up to a fancy dress party in the same costume.
Not only was everyone laughing at us, but he sweats a lot, and I'm pretty sure I felt him get an erection.
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If you want to set up a company and run it then that's your business.
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I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
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I don't see how anyone says they can't get their kid's attention.
All I have to do is start talking on the phone.
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Following Nigella Lawson's drug scandal, she's been offered a new TV show..
Baking Bad.
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Sky Sports Nrws: 6 people have been arrested by police over match fixing, especially
Internationals.
A spokesman for the English FA has said in a statement.
'After a long and in depth investigations, it is with a heavy heart that I have to reveal the findings. We feel we must apologise
to all England fans that the results of the investigation speak for themselves. We have found that there is no wrong doing,
and we, unfortunatly, have a shit team.'
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Thanksgiving.
The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who
never left.
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I'm a reasonable person: for example:
The woman who jilted me phoned me out of the blue and asked me to meet her at La Bonne Vie at 8-o-clock.
So while she was waiting for me there I broke into her flat and shat on her carpet.
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Looks like Nigella's having cold turkey this Christmas.
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I switched the letters 'T' and 'K' on my computer to make it a little bit different.
It's a QWERKY keyboard now.
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I once went on a date with a girl who didn't swallow.
Soup everywhere.
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James Bond would be a much better spy if he didn't keep telling everyone who he was.
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My mate asked me if I could name all of Santa's reindeer.
"Oh my God." I said with tears in my eyes. "It would be an honour."