That new YouPorn Easter egg background has completely taken my mind off my inability to form and maintain adult relationships with proper women.
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I'm not saying my ex is fat, but everytime she starts singing people panic.
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As I left my house earlier, my neighbour said:
"How's it going?"
"Don't ask" I replied.
"That bad?" he said.
"No, I just don't want to talk to you."
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If you have neighbours that 'keep themselves to themselves', you should really explore the possibility that you might just be a twat.
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I was digging a hole when my mate approached.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
I said, "I'm digging a hole to bury my dog."
"Well," he persisted. "What are the other three holes for?"
"They were going to be to bury my dog in, but they weren't big enough."
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BBC News: David Cameron to curb benefits for migrants.
In other words, they'll be given a car to park on the curb outside the house they were given.
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I was writing my personal ad for a dating website today, I told a few lies, well exaggerated the truth shall we say.
"I'm 25, love tv and films, gaming and I have lots of friends"
I have seasons 1-5 anyway, some people would call that lots.
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I'm thinking of becoming a writer of erotic literature, catering for premature ejaculators. My first novel starts: She walked into the room naked.
The End.
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Whenever I read a newspaper, it's always, 'Rapist strikes again!' or 'Paedo strikes again!'
Our prisons must have awesome ten pin bowling teams.
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What does Lindsay Lohan weigh?
Drugs, most likely
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They say Leprechauns are lucky.
But how lucky can you really be if you're short, Irish and ginger?
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I'm not suggesting that Cher is a Nazi,
but at no point during "If I could turn back time" does she sing about killing Hitler.
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Statistically, if you hit a child at 20mph there's an 80 percent chance you're a pensioner.
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This evening my wife decided that she didn't want to cook a meal for us both. Her reasoning was that the best chefs in the world are male, so I should cook.
I then explained to her that the best pornstars in the world are female, so I should fuck her up the arse and cum on her face.
We got a take-away.
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Neville Neville has been arrested for trying to make a woman kiss his knob and arsehole.
Or Phil and Gary as he calls them.
As a joke, I poked holes in my mates condoms.
In other news, my mum is pregnant again.
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Sky News: 'Brave Bus Driver In Close Shave With Huge Pole'
That's nothing, I onced waxed a Serbian's balls.
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Callers to Babestation: Say that there's a spider on the bed so that they get a fright and move their hand out of the way.
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Just had some French food that was so rich it offered to pay for my future kids' education.
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The fact Michael Jackson had to ask Annie if she was OK nearly 100 times in four minutes makes me think she probably wasn't.
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Sky News: Bill Gates has offered $100,000 to anyone who invents a more attractive condom.
Who is going to buy a condom from a company called Microsoft?
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A girl across the bar has been staring at me all night. I think I've pulled.
As soon as I've finished eating my bogeys I'll go and offer her a drink.
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Since my girlfriend had her car accident, it's made having sex quite difficult for us.
The morgue keep calling the police.
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Kissing the back of someone's neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it's a stranger in a queue at Primark.
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The sun reported that a girl got upgraded to a 36 DD at the expense of the tax payer.
Surely , as we paid for them then we at least get a go on them.
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I will never understand women. "Do what you fucking want" actually means the exact opposite.
Does anyone want to buy a Harley Davidson, only had it a day.
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I'm combining Easter and April Fools day this year.
I'm sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven't hidden.
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I once held the world record.
Youngest person on the planet.
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They say "Familiarity breeds contempt."
Like we all haven't fucking heard that hundreds of times.
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When the Police knocked on my mate's door today and arrested him for bestiality, all his wife could do was just stand there and watch.
Then she wagged her tail and dropped her ball for the Policeman to throw for her.
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I now understand the song Two Little Boys, but what do you do with a Kangaroo when it's tied down Rolf?
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Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Unless my wife's had something to do with it.
Then it's always served burnt.
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BBC News: Infrared tests on the Turin Shroud prove that it may well be genuine after all.
I still think it's Billy Connolly's flannel.
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I'd love to rent a hot air balloon.
Or at least one that's quite attractive, with a brilliant personality.
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My 'exhibitionist support group' was kicked out of our meeting room last month.
Now we just hang out in the park.
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Which countries do not have an extradition treaty with South Africa ?
Answers on a postcard to Oscar Pistorius.
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Sky News: Pope Francis will wash prisoners' feet in a youth detention centre on Thursday, as part of a papal calendar of events in the run-up to Easter.
So that's what does it for this one, eh?