My mum has just got a electric shock while reading 50 shades of grey on her kindle.
That will teach her to use it with wet fingers.
=====
It appears Cheryl Cole has changed her name to just 'Cheryl'.
I'd have done the same after that fucking penalty.
=====
After months of wondering what TOWIE was, I'm now waiting in Argos to replace my smashed up TV.
=====
I felt sorry for Greece.
Imagine having to pay out all their much needed money on the thousands of letters for the football players shirts.
=====
I asked the librarian if she had any books on dyslexia.
"Of course we do sir" she replied. "You can find them over there, between dysfunctional and dyspepsia."
Well thanks a fucking bunch.
=====
A Policeman pulled me over on the Motorway.
He came to the window and said "Papers", so I replied "Scissors, I win", and drove off.
He must want a rematch because he's been chasing me for fucking miles now.
=====
I'm running with the Olympic Torch next week.
Don't tell the organisers.
=====
People used to think Jon Bon Jovi was anorexic, but it turned out prayers just have very little nutritional value.
=====
My wife was in the bedroom, reading her new book when I suddenly heard "Oooh baby, yeah. Aaah, milk. Oooh two sugars baby, yeah. Give it to me"
She was reading 'Fifty Shades of Earl Grey'
=====
What do you call a really long piece of shit?
Twilight.
=====
I wouldn't be surprised if I died in my sleep.
Because I'd be dead.
=====
Went out last night, got lucky and had some awesome sex in the back of the car.
When I got back, I think the wife suspected something.
"I thought you were coming straight back from the vets." she said. "And why is there spunk in Lucky's fur?"
=====
What if oxygen is actually a poison and takes 80 years to kill us?
=====
I've written a book about a Rapper and his sunglasses collection.
50 Shades of Dre.
=====
I don't blame Ashley Young for missing his penalty.
It must have been confusing for him, taking a spot kick without diving first.
=====
A horse walks into a church,
"Why the long face?" asks the priest.
"Evolution"
=====
I'm so special!
The doctor gave me this jacket, and now I can hug myself.
=====
I'm now going to recreate the England vs Italy game on FIFA 12.
Before I start though, I'm going to take the batteries out of the controller.
=====
I've just got myself one of those skeleton keys.
Or a brick as it's better known.
=====
I threw the coin in the water and as I watched it sink I closed my eyes and made my wish, someone tapped my arm and said
"What are you thinking?"
"Oh I couldn't tell you or my wish won't come true!"
"No I mean what are you thinking barging in here when I'm having a shit?!"
=====
I read a book about Kurt Cobain.
I say 'read', but I more or less just rifled through it.
=====
You put your left arm in, your left arm out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out and that's when I realised I had an OCD.
That will teach her to use it with wet fingers.
=====
It appears Cheryl Cole has changed her name to just 'Cheryl'.
I'd have done the same after that fucking penalty.
=====
After months of wondering what TOWIE was, I'm now waiting in Argos to replace my smashed up TV.
=====
I felt sorry for Greece.
Imagine having to pay out all their much needed money on the thousands of letters for the football players shirts.
=====
I asked the librarian if she had any books on dyslexia.
"Of course we do sir" she replied. "You can find them over there, between dysfunctional and dyspepsia."
Well thanks a fucking bunch.
=====
A Policeman pulled me over on the Motorway.
He came to the window and said "Papers", so I replied "Scissors, I win", and drove off.
He must want a rematch because he's been chasing me for fucking miles now.
=====
I'm running with the Olympic Torch next week.
Don't tell the organisers.
=====
People used to think Jon Bon Jovi was anorexic, but it turned out prayers just have very little nutritional value.
=====
My wife was in the bedroom, reading her new book when I suddenly heard "Oooh baby, yeah. Aaah, milk. Oooh two sugars baby, yeah. Give it to me"
She was reading 'Fifty Shades of Earl Grey'
=====
What do you call a really long piece of shit?
Twilight.
=====
I wouldn't be surprised if I died in my sleep.
Because I'd be dead.
=====
Went out last night, got lucky and had some awesome sex in the back of the car.
When I got back, I think the wife suspected something.
"I thought you were coming straight back from the vets." she said. "And why is there spunk in Lucky's fur?"
=====
What if oxygen is actually a poison and takes 80 years to kill us?
=====
I've written a book about a Rapper and his sunglasses collection.
50 Shades of Dre.
=====
I don't blame Ashley Young for missing his penalty.
It must have been confusing for him, taking a spot kick without diving first.
=====
A horse walks into a church,
"Why the long face?" asks the priest.
"Evolution"
=====
I'm so special!
The doctor gave me this jacket, and now I can hug myself.
=====
I'm now going to recreate the England vs Italy game on FIFA 12.
Before I start though, I'm going to take the batteries out of the controller.
=====
I've just got myself one of those skeleton keys.
Or a brick as it's better known.
=====
I threw the coin in the water and as I watched it sink I closed my eyes and made my wish, someone tapped my arm and said
"What are you thinking?"
"Oh I couldn't tell you or my wish won't come true!"
"No I mean what are you thinking barging in here when I'm having a shit?!"
=====
I read a book about Kurt Cobain.
I say 'read', but I more or less just rifled through it.
=====
You put your left arm in, your left arm out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out and that's when I realised I had an OCD.
In America they have started using the Loch Ness Monster to disprove evolution.
Isn't that a bit like using dragons to disprove gravity?
=====
I have been masturbating so much lately, that I think if I tried to again, all that would come out is a flag with bang on it.
=====
I'm not an alcoholic.
I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.
=====
The wife crawled into bed last night. I stroked her hair, then worked my way down her body until I was gently rubbing her pussy. We then had passionate sex for 10 minutes.
Then, just as I climaxed, I had a realisation.
I live alone with a dog.
=====
I took my girlfriend to Wimbledon once, she hated it.
Mind you, it rained throughout the whole match.
I think Vinnie Jones got sent off as well.
=====
My mate had his portrait done by a professional artist last week.
In chalk, in front of a jury.
=====
"Is my Dad here yet?" I asked entering the chippy. "He reckons you've great fish and chips and he's been coming here for months."
"I'm sorry, what's his name?" she replied.
"Oh it's Mike Urqhart but you won't know him." I said.
"But I thought you said he's been coming here for months?"
"I did, he set off from Lands End on the 2nd January and he's a very slow walker."
=====
"Dad, what does 'ridicule' mean?"
"Try wearing a coat in Newcastle on a night out son and you'll find out."
=====
I'm currently in hospital with head trauma.
My girlfriend sneezed whilst giving me a blowjob.
=====
I was watching porn for the 1st time in high definition.
It was fucking amazing.
I could actually see how lonely I was.
=====
I dropped my copy of Which? magazine in the bath and it floated.
Does this mean I have to burn it?
=====
Recently, I've been wondering why I wank so much.
Then I rolled over and remembered that I'm single.
=====
After years of the dating scene,I have come to the conclusion that I could have any woman I pleased.
My only problem is that I can't please any of them.
=====
I was earning a fortune back in the 70s as a carpenter.
And then Karen died.
=====
"Your best mate's mum who lives across the street has lost a lot of weight" I said to my daughter.
"You've got your binoculars the wrong way round dad."
=====
I'm a very indecisive.
My favourite TV show is ER.
=====
A man who was heavily pissed walked up to a woman who was sat at the bar and gave her a kiss.
She turned round and began slapping him vigorously round the face.
He took a step back and slowly began to focus, ' I'm sorry but I thought you were my wife, ' he said.
' Who would marry a useless drunken arsehole like you, ' the woman screamed.
' That's funny, ' replied the man, ' you sound just like her as well. '
=====
"Hello is that 555555?"
"Yes."
"Can you call an ambulance for me? I've glued my finger to the phone!"
=====
My mate's got a cock like a baby's arm.
He's suing the plastic surgeon.
=====
As I sat watching the original Star Trek, and Star Trek The Next Generation trying to figure out once and for all who the better captain was, Kirk, or Picard, I couldn't help but think..........I'm going to die a virgin.
=====
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Salt n Pepa.
Oh right, the door's not locked. Just push it. Push it real good!
=====
My wife was reading that 50 Shades of Grey in bed last night and I could tell she was turned on because she suddenly put the book down and started licking her lips.
The benefits of being a gymnast I suppose.
=====
Just heard on the news that cancer kills two coach loads of children every year in the UK.
I'm never sending my kids on a school trip again.
=====
I wouldn't say I watch a lot of porn but I've fitted my monitor with windscreen wipers.