I'm not saying I hate Piers Morgan, but if I had a glass of water and he was on fire, I'd glass him.
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So they're flying the British Ebola patient back to the UK?
Clearly these people have never seen a zombie film.
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All this time we've been teaching our kids the wrong three Rs of reading, writing and arithmetic.
When it should have been, avoid Rolf, Richard and Rotherham.
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Woman: "Well, I like to go out to eat, I love going to the cinema and taking my two dogs for long walks. How do you like to spend your weekends?"
Man: "Is this your first time as a volunteer prison visitor?"
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Scotland
Your national dress is a skirt.
Your national flower is a weed.
Your national instrument is a bag of wind.
Your national dish is a bag of shit.
and you have the cheek to keep mentioning Morris Dancing !
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I remember clearly the day when, my Dad took me to the local track to learn to ride my bike.
I soon got the hang of it, when the train came.
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Cosmopolitan: '35 Hot Places to Touch Your Man.'
I think they're overcomplicating it.
We're blokes. We're happy with the same old place 35 times.
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People used to see me driving a large car and they would say, "You're compensating for your tiny penis."
And now I drive with clothes on.
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Fuck me! I've just realised.
If Scotland leaves the UK the average British life expectancy is going to shoot up to about 115!
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Don't put all my eggs in one basket?
Nice try basket industry.
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BBC NEws: The National Health are considering the use of untested new drugs in their fight against aggressive cancer.
Patient groups have said: "This is TOTALLY unacceptable."
Impatient groups, on the other hand, have said "Fucking hurry up."
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If the ice bucket challenge videos have raised my awareness of anything it's that lots of people's mums don't know which button to press to stop filming.
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So, if my my internet provider blocked a site I use to download porn.
Then, which one of us is the voyeur?
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My mate is so homophobic, that he can't even use the soap dispensers in the toilets.
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I saw this guy talking into a camera so I thought I'd be helpful and poor a bucket of icy water over his head.
Completely ruined his political report.
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Type 1 diabetes is characterized by loss of the insulin-producing beta cells of the islets of Langerhans in the pancreas, leading to insulin deficiency.
Whereas
Type 2 diabetes is characterized by a lazy fat person eating lots do-nuts and riding around on a mobility scooter.
If Scotland gains independence on September the 18th then I think we should declare the playing of bagpipes an act of war.
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Does anyone else think that all you need to do to halt the global spread of terrorism, is simply to stop the sale of Toyota pickup vans?
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Alex Salmond says Scotland would have their own currency.
So just exactly what is that unspendable shit that they have now then?
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Robin Williams, starred in Mrs Doubtfire with child actress Mara Wilson. Died two weeks ago.
Richard Attenborough, starred in Miracle on 34th St with child actress Mara Wilson; died a few days ago.
Danny de Vito, starred in Matilda with child actress Mara Wilson.
I'd be shitting myself, if I was him.
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Made a school boy in the bath last night.
I washed bell end first.
By the time I got round to my face, the fucking water had set.
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My neighbour said he found it difficult to empathise with the homeless.
So I burned his house down.
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I've just been charged for wasting Police time.
Apparently 32 'watchers' on my current eBay auction doesn't constitute online stalking.
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What's the difference between a prostitute and an artist's painting?
One becomes much more expensive once they're dead and one becomes much cheaper.
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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me.
I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way.
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Angel Di Maria is only going to Manchester United because Real Madrid won't give him Tuesday's and Wednesday's off.
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My mates say I'm the worst Atheist ever.
Well,they can all burn in hell.
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Next month the Macmillan cancer charity is raising funds through the biggest coffee morning ever, leading to concerns over promoting obesity.
Diabetes UK is fighting back with a sponsored smoke-a-thon.
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What did a sloth ever do in the Garden of Eden to get placed on the Seven Deadly Sins list?
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BBC News: A nine year old girl accidentally shot and killed her shooting instructor with a Fully Automatic Uzi machine gun at the Arizona shooting range 'Bullets and Burgers'.
Good thing the store next door is 'Coffee and Coffins'.
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I've just bought the new Manchester United away kit.
It's a box of tissues, 24 Prozac and the number for The Samaritans.
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My Grandad's Parkinson's is so bad that every time he opens a bottle of champagne you'd think he'd just won a Grand Prix.
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Lily Allen on Radio2: "It's easier to write when you're in pain."
Utter horseshit.
I slammed my thumb in a car door on Sunday, now I can barely hold my fucking pen.