Honestly, please believe me, I have not kidnapped Megan, we just wanted to get away for a day, bought some new phones and now we are completely lost and we can't find our way back!
Jeremy and Megan
Sent from my iPhone 5
=====
The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says "Why the wrong faith?"
=====
Went to the doctors' today and found out I'm suffering from premature ejaculation.
In my defence, it was a VERY low-cut top on that receptionist.
=====
Robbie Williams has finally revealed the reason he called his new baby daughter Theodora.
He's a twat.
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Kate: "Gerry? what was Madeleine's maths teacher called again?"
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Yes, before you ask, I am psychic.
=====
My doctor uses iPhone maps, so the Apple really does keep him away.
=====
Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
=====
Spooning:
For girls - Cute, Warm and straight to sleep.
For Boys - Face full of hair, make up all over new top, dead arm and an awkward boner.
=====
My wife sat me down to tell me that our marriage was being tested as I can never understand the severity of important situations.
So I smiled, gently took her hand, and placed it on my crotch.
=====
So Justin Lee Collins used to insist that his girlfriend face him when he was sleeping.
Justin must like sleeping in vomit.
=====
I knocked on a Jehovah witnesses door and asked if they'd be interested in Atheism.
"Do you call at everybody's door, spreading this bullshit?" she moaned.
"Fucking annoying isn't it?"
=====
The sign outside Liverpool John Lennon Airport has been amended to read " Above us only sky ... and below us only QPR & Reading "
=====
I have a lot of respect for any guy who can walk around in public wearing a pair of crocs.
That's some serious dedication to staying single.
=====
I just told a bunch of Muslims that the Go Compare man wrote 'The Innocence of Muslims'.
I can't wait to see that advert on TV.
=====
An Iphone 5 user walks into a bar.
or was it a bank.
or was it a hotel.
They're not sure really.
=====
I bought my daughter a goldfish today.
An hour later all of the water had leaked out onto the floor and it was dead.
"Poor bastard," I thought, as I looked at the little fella just laying there completely motionless at the bottom of its cage.
=====
I had some sort of mental seizure at breakfast this morning.
First my fingers started to stick out at odd angles & my arms moved around wildly.
Then I started to shout filth at my wife about oral sex, & called my 8 year old daughter a cum drinking Ho.
It also seems I threatened to "Pop a cap" in the ass of poor old Mr Hughes who came round from next door to investigate the noise.
Needless to say, Kenco Rappor coffee is no longer on our shopping list.
=====
Girls say they aren't hard to understand, when in reality they are like a Jenga crossword puzzle rubix cube that are strapped on to a terrorist screaming at you in another language.
=====
"Fortune sides with he who dares."
Tell that to my friend who got dared to fuck a crocodile.
=====
I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.
I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the fucking pub.
=====
My girlfriend and I had our first shower together today.
She could see I was a little nervous so said "Relax, just do what you normally do."
So I had a piss.
=====
I'll never forget the day I was diagnosed with dyslexia.
41st April 1892.
=====
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.
=====
My dancing is so embarrassing.
On Saturday night, I apparently told a load of deaf people to fuck off.
=====
I called my doctors surgery this morning.
"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "Everything in my ear is echoing."
"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"
"Morrow, orrow, ow."
=====
I'm never going to eat cheesy wotsits again.
Once I've finished a packet, I always look like I've just fingered an essex girl.
=====
As I walked up to the starting line at Silverstone,
I couldn't get rid of that niggling feeling I'd forgotten something.
=====
My local bin man doesn't take any shit from anyone.
So I had to carry it back inside.
=====
At this rate the royal family are going to have enough pictures to do a saucy calendar next year.
=====
My wgirlfriend asked me to treat her like a naughty school girl.
So I've kidnaped her, stuffed her into the boot of my car and I'm currently on the ferry to France.
=====
Lukas Podolski "I'm thinking of getting an Arsenal tattoo".
That'll be a bit awkward when he goes to Man City next year.
=====
"You're not bunking off this school trip Stammers! said the teacher.
"Or what?"
"Or I'll pick you up and drive you there myself!" He roared.
"Fuck off Mr Forrest"
I went to my local doctors after I started getting concerns that I may be losing all perception of time.
They were shut.
=====
I don't know why pharmacies have them, but I finally gave their free penis squeezer machine a try.
I have no idea what 120/80 means, but who cares, that shit felt great.
=====
LMFAO have announced they've split up.
They should have just went on a hiatus and changed their name to BRB.
=====
BBC News: "JJB Sports faces administration"
Jeremy Kyle guests and audience faces a generation without evening wear.
=====
I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America, only to find out it was made in China.
=====
If your grandma's furniture was wrapped in plastic,it was probably because she was a squirter.
=====
I got a text from a girl earlier saying: "Never text me again, you creepy fucking pervert."
So I called her.
=====
To the people that think that torture is a great way to get information out of someone.
You've obviously never contemplated locking them up with a computer, facebook, and a few bottles of vodka.
=====
"How exciting!" smiled my wife, unwrapping her birthday present from me this morning.
"Do you like it?" I asked, as she sat there staring.
"Are you having a fucking laugh?" she said, "You've bought me a mannequin?"
"What? It's the one that you pointed to in the high street last week, luv."
=====
Times must be tough.
I saw Sonic in Cash-4-Gold today.
=====
I used to be in a band called The Wankers.
We all went solo.
=====
I think I've watched too much porn.
Whenever I need a plumber, I get nervous.
=====
I'm finding it impossible to undo my wife's bra.
But I probably shouldn't be wearing it in the first place.
=====
Why don't they put a positive spin on the floods?
By promoting York as the Venice of Britain.
=====
I was in France for my brother's wedding last week.
It was in London and I really hate the fucker.
=====
My new girlfriend was not impressed when I said 'the L word' during sex last night.
To be honest, it caught me by complete surprise.
I haven't thought about Larry for years.
=====
If Special K is so special, why do you need to add sugar, chocolate or red berries to stop it tasting like chipboard?
=====
I filled the escort with diesel last night.
She died.
=====
If you think about what it feels like to be one of those pretty, popular, girls that all of the guys want to be with...you're probably gay."
=====
"You should try walking in my shoes"Complained my wife.
I do when she is at bingo..........and her bra and knickers.
=====
Sky News: Jewelry store in U.S. offering a free gun with each purchase.
And once you have the gun, free jewelry.
=====
I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced
'all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes ur life worth living'.
Fucking barman was almost crushed to death.
=====
Sometimes these jokes just write themselves.
Thanks to my haunted keyboard.
=====
I walked into the dry cleaners get my pants to the lady, "There are 12 cum stains on these because I'm a pervert who can't stop wanking, can you get them out for me?"
"I can try," she replied.
"Try?" Just lift up your jumper and pull down your bra."
=====
As I sat in a posh restaurant last night, sipping champagne on my wife's birthday, she suddenly decided to call me a fucker.
So without any hesitation at all, I flipped over the table knocking everything onto the floor.
"I'm a fucker?!," I shouted, as the whole restaurant stared at me, "You're more of a fucker than I am!"
That's when the waiter came over and said, "Sir, can you please take this phone call outside."
=====
"I think our son might be gay." I told my wife.
"Why do you think that?" she asked.
"Because I called him gay."
"That doesn't mean anything!" she shouted, "What did he say?!"
"Nothing." I replied, "He just walked outside and marked up my car with lipstick."
=====
My house burnt down today.
Ironically the only thing to survive was my Talking Heads record.
=====
Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
=====
I'd like to pop out for a run but it's all the stuff a modern runner has to do beforehand.
Get changed, stretch, set up a Just Giving page and share it on Facebook.
=====
My wife just told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her property.
=====
I was pulled over by a police Car today.
The officer asked " Do you know why I've pulled you over sir?
"No officer" I replied.
"Well," he said. " This doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for
the last ten or so miles and your driving is exemplary. Correct road positioning,
perfect observation and due regard for other road users."
"Thanks, so you reckon it's worth me getting a licence then?"
=====
I recently wrote a kinky love story about my marriage.
50 shades of bitter disappointment.
=====
Google was 14 yesterday.
That means for the next 2 years, no matter what you search for, the top result will be porn.
=====
My father always put food on the table.
He wasn't a member at the casino for very long.
=====
So Justin Lee Collins made his girlfriend recount every sexual experience she'd ever had and kept it in a notebook.
It's lucky it wasn't Katie Price.
He'd have needed a 64 gig iPad.
=====
So the Kanye West sex tape has been leaked...
It's just footage of Kanye wanking whilst looking at his own reflection in a mirror.
=====
The great thing about being from Norwich?
Doing your family tree is easy, although it does look more like a family pole.
=====
So Alan Pardew is sentenced to 8 years in Newcastle whilst John Terry gets a 4 match ban for being racist..
Where's the justice?.
=====
What the fuck is the point of Rhetorical questions?
=====
I was reading an article about a spider that layed 200 eggs in a mans stomach and couldn't help thinking;
"Thank fuck Peter Parker wasn't a rapist."
=====
Abu Hamza's lawyer has just confirm he's to appeal his high court defeat against deportation to America on terrorism charges at the highest court in the land.
He's just waiting on the Football Association to set a date for it.
=====
Google was 14 years old yesterday.
Jeremy Forrest has been spotted at it's HQ waving two tickets to France.
=====
Missing my ex-wife, I phoned her. "What are you wearing?" I asked.
"Same thing I've worn for the last few years." she said, "and Mother Superior asked if you'd stop phoning every time you're pissed and horny."