Teenagers found dead in midlands canal.
I knew the Famous Five would piss off the wrong people one day.
=====
I wrote "Edward Cullen's remains" on a bottle of glitter and gave it to my 13 yr old sister.
She cried for hours.
=====
I walked up to a girl in a club last night 'Can I buy you a drink my lovely?'
'I'd rather have the money' she giggled
'Fuck off! How am I gonna spike a fiver?
=====
The Doctor said I have to cut out the two cans of cream a day from my diet before it kills me.
So today I'm off to B & Q to see what other colours they do.
=====
I watched a video yesterday which was trying to propagate the stereotype that black people are a criminal sub-species, who are obsessed with guns, murder & rape.
I was so upset by this, I took it to the nearest police station & demanded that the distributor be prosecuted for hate crime.
They were very sympathetic, but it seems there is no law against selling Hip-Hop videos.
=====
"Hello and welcome to the first meeting of the 'Anger Management Support Group'.
"Who wants to kick off?"
=====
Average life expectancy for a woman: 81.7 years Average life expectancy for a man: 77.4 years Typical. Most women don't even like football and they get to see an extra World Cup.
=====
The days of good grammar is went.
=====
Teacher "If you have one apple, and when you get home your father gives you one... What have you got?"
Johnny "One apple and a sore arse Sir."
=====
The Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day.
Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.
=====
Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I put the wrong sock on this morning.
=====
If you ever start taking life too seriously, just remember that we are only talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.
=====
Woman freed from rubble in Turkey after 67 hours.
Barney's got a lot of explaining to do when Betty gets home.
=====
My wife is a hypocrite. She refuses to swallow because she 'hates the taste'
But five times now I've watched her drink it in her coffee.
=====
My wife loves to re-enact porn films.
Usually the ones where the lonely housewife fucks the plumber whilst her husband is at work.
=====
I entered an innuendo competition at the weekend, but unfortunately I wrote too many.
So I had to rub one out.
=====
"You know", I said to my wife, "sometimes two rights can make a wrong."
"What on earth are you talking about?" she asked.
"Well you took two right turns and now you're in a field"
=====
My boss thrust a picture under my nose, "What the fuck is this!" he asked.
"Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me fucking your wife. You know that's not real don't you? It's clearly been Photoshopped."
"What?" he said, relaxing slightly, "How can you tell?"
"Well, your wife's tits aren't that big and they've airbrushed out the mole by her fanny."
=====
ITV2 have just announced their winter schedule.
There's a new reality show featuring Elton John, George Michael, Michael Barrymore, Graham Norton and Alan Carr "The Only Way Is Arse Sex".
=====
If reincarnation existed most men would come back as a spider...
so they could finally hear a woman say, "Oh my god, its fucking huge!"
=====
Why dont witches wear knickers?
So they have a better grip on the broom.
=====
To ensure she is doing a good job, I always hide the housekeeper's pay in a different place each week.
=====
John Terry says he isn't guilty of racially abusing Anton Ferdinand, although he hasn't ruled out shagging his wife.
=====
They say "9/10 forest fires are caused by careless people."
What that means to me is "somewhere out there, a bear knows how to use matches."
=====
What do you get if you cross Katie Price with a fishing boat?
The deadliest snatch.
=====
Caught some bloke watching me masturbate on the train today..
Pervy Bastard.
=====
If you were the last woman on Earth and I was the last man, I'd be far too busy go-karting in Westminster Abbey to have sex anyway.
I knew the Famous Five would piss off the wrong people one day.
=====
I wrote "Edward Cullen's remains" on a bottle of glitter and gave it to my 13 yr old sister.
She cried for hours.
=====
I walked up to a girl in a club last night 'Can I buy you a drink my lovely?'
'I'd rather have the money' she giggled
'Fuck off! How am I gonna spike a fiver?
=====
The Doctor said I have to cut out the two cans of cream a day from my diet before it kills me.
So today I'm off to B & Q to see what other colours they do.
=====
I watched a video yesterday which was trying to propagate the stereotype that black people are a criminal sub-species, who are obsessed with guns, murder & rape.
I was so upset by this, I took it to the nearest police station & demanded that the distributor be prosecuted for hate crime.
They were very sympathetic, but it seems there is no law against selling Hip-Hop videos.
=====
"Hello and welcome to the first meeting of the 'Anger Management Support Group'.
"Who wants to kick off?"
=====
Average life expectancy for a woman: 81.7 years Average life expectancy for a man: 77.4 years Typical. Most women don't even like football and they get to see an extra World Cup.
=====
The days of good grammar is went.
=====
Teacher "If you have one apple, and when you get home your father gives you one... What have you got?"
Johnny "One apple and a sore arse Sir."
=====
The Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day.
Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.
=====
Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I put the wrong sock on this morning.
=====
If you ever start taking life too seriously, just remember that we are only talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.
=====
Woman freed from rubble in Turkey after 67 hours.
Barney's got a lot of explaining to do when Betty gets home.
=====
My wife is a hypocrite. She refuses to swallow because she 'hates the taste'
But five times now I've watched her drink it in her coffee.
=====
My wife loves to re-enact porn films.
Usually the ones where the lonely housewife fucks the plumber whilst her husband is at work.
=====
I entered an innuendo competition at the weekend, but unfortunately I wrote too many.
So I had to rub one out.
=====
"You know", I said to my wife, "sometimes two rights can make a wrong."
"What on earth are you talking about?" she asked.
"Well you took two right turns and now you're in a field"
=====
My boss thrust a picture under my nose, "What the fuck is this!" he asked.
"Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me fucking your wife. You know that's not real don't you? It's clearly been Photoshopped."
"What?" he said, relaxing slightly, "How can you tell?"
"Well, your wife's tits aren't that big and they've airbrushed out the mole by her fanny."
=====
ITV2 have just announced their winter schedule.
There's a new reality show featuring Elton John, George Michael, Michael Barrymore, Graham Norton and Alan Carr "The Only Way Is Arse Sex".
=====
If reincarnation existed most men would come back as a spider...
so they could finally hear a woman say, "Oh my god, its fucking huge!"
=====
Why dont witches wear knickers?
So they have a better grip on the broom.
=====
To ensure she is doing a good job, I always hide the housekeeper's pay in a different place each week.
=====
John Terry says he isn't guilty of racially abusing Anton Ferdinand, although he hasn't ruled out shagging his wife.
=====
They say "9/10 forest fires are caused by careless people."
What that means to me is "somewhere out there, a bear knows how to use matches."
=====
What do you get if you cross Katie Price with a fishing boat?
The deadliest snatch.
=====
Caught some bloke watching me masturbate on the train today..
Pervy Bastard.
=====
If you were the last woman on Earth and I was the last man, I'd be far too busy go-karting in Westminster Abbey to have sex anyway.
Dating a blind girl is challenging but rewarding.
It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
====
So apparently the drummer from Blur wants to be an MP.
Yet another politician who wants to live in a house, a very big house in the country.
=====
Just saw on BBC News that there were 'hundreds at a march over disability benefits cuts.'
Surely if they can march, they shouldn't be on disability benefits anyway?
=====
I went to the Golden Corral Buffet where (the advert states) you candip ANYTHING into their new chocolate waterfall.
I have court in a week.
=====
Over 1000 dead and Turkey in ruins.
Surely the bird couldn't have been friends with all of them.
=====
I guess being a motorsport driver doesn't pay very well?
Two of them have gone into advertising in the last two weeks.
=====
I've just won a premature ejaculation competition.
Which is strange considering I didn't enter.
=====
If there is one thing that gives me great comfort in life, it's knowing that during a power cut, somewhere there's an old person stuck halfway up the stairs on a Stair Lift.
=====
You put your left leg in, your left leg out, in out in out, shake it all about!
Sex with Katie Price is so exhausting.
=====
'Go away, I hate you so much!' my wife yelled at me last night.
Cocking an eyebrow, I said, 'Come on babe, you don't mean that.'
But it seemed she wasn't listening.
'Get your dick off my eyebrow, you fucking weirdo!'
=====
What do Man Utd and Gaddafi have in common?
They were both murdered by the locals
=====
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"
"WHO ARE YA? WHO ARE YA?"
I can't help but feel Dad's a little insensitive about Nan's dementia.
=====
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
=====
What's the difference between a black cab and Manchester United?
A black cab only lets 5 in.
=====
I was at Sydney airport when I was collared by customs. It wasn't long before I was bent over a table holding my arse cheeks apart.
"Please don't do that, we just want to look in your bags," one of them said.
=====
What do you call an Albino Gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
=====
=====
The definition of mixed emotions:
When your childhood team are beaten 6-1 by your biggest rivals at your own ground, but you have Silva, Dzeko, Kompany and Aguero in your fantasy team.
=====
I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker.
Can't wait to see my new cock.
=====
Come to think of it, you never seen Col. Gaddafi and Lionel Ritchie in the same room did you.
=====
My Dad had just come back from America, I met him at the airport and he said, "I picked you this up from the plane, its one of them iPads."
I was amazed and so happy, until he handed me a bag and said, "you know they go over your eyes and help you sleep."
=====
Good- I've just had a threesome.
Bad-It was two guys and a girl.
Ugly-The girl was a blow-up doll.
=====
Bing: Cheryl shows off huge 'lips'
Never ever felt so dissapointed in my life.
=====
Does anyone else think that the Real IRA should move to Spain and start a football club?
=====
From the sewers straight to the fridge.
Gaddafi has a lot in common with Fosters.
=====
One day the Pope was walking down an Italian road, when he spotted a black magic shop in an alleyway.
Curious, he decided to go inside and look around. As he approached the counter the woman behind told him they were doing a special on Voodoo Dolls.
The Pope thought for a few moments and told the woman he would like to buy one. She then informed him he would need to get the hair of the person he would like the doll to represent. He plucked some hair from his head and handed it over the counter. "You want a doll of yourself?" she asked. The Pope nodded and soon left with his doll.
The next day the Pope was visiting the victim of abuse at one of his churches. Producing the doll he said to the child, "Show me on the doll where the naughty priest touched you."
It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
====
So apparently the drummer from Blur wants to be an MP.
Yet another politician who wants to live in a house, a very big house in the country.
=====
Just saw on BBC News that there were 'hundreds at a march over disability benefits cuts.'
Surely if they can march, they shouldn't be on disability benefits anyway?
=====
I went to the Golden Corral Buffet where (the advert states) you candip ANYTHING into their new chocolate waterfall.
I have court in a week.
=====
Over 1000 dead and Turkey in ruins.
Surely the bird couldn't have been friends with all of them.
=====
I guess being a motorsport driver doesn't pay very well?
Two of them have gone into advertising in the last two weeks.
=====
I've just won a premature ejaculation competition.
Which is strange considering I didn't enter.
=====
If there is one thing that gives me great comfort in life, it's knowing that during a power cut, somewhere there's an old person stuck halfway up the stairs on a Stair Lift.
=====
You put your left leg in, your left leg out, in out in out, shake it all about!
Sex with Katie Price is so exhausting.
=====
'Go away, I hate you so much!' my wife yelled at me last night.
Cocking an eyebrow, I said, 'Come on babe, you don't mean that.'
But it seemed she wasn't listening.
'Get your dick off my eyebrow, you fucking weirdo!'
=====
What do Man Utd and Gaddafi have in common?
They were both murdered by the locals
=====
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"
"WHO ARE YA? WHO ARE YA?"
I can't help but feel Dad's a little insensitive about Nan's dementia.
=====
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
=====
What's the difference between a black cab and Manchester United?
A black cab only lets 5 in.
=====
I was at Sydney airport when I was collared by customs. It wasn't long before I was bent over a table holding my arse cheeks apart.
"Please don't do that, we just want to look in your bags," one of them said.
=====
What do you call an Albino Gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
=====
=====
The definition of mixed emotions:
When your childhood team are beaten 6-1 by your biggest rivals at your own ground, but you have Silva, Dzeko, Kompany and Aguero in your fantasy team.
=====
I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker.
Can't wait to see my new cock.
=====
Come to think of it, you never seen Col. Gaddafi and Lionel Ritchie in the same room did you.
=====
My Dad had just come back from America, I met him at the airport and he said, "I picked you this up from the plane, its one of them iPads."
I was amazed and so happy, until he handed me a bag and said, "you know they go over your eyes and help you sleep."
=====
Good- I've just had a threesome.
Bad-It was two guys and a girl.
Ugly-The girl was a blow-up doll.
=====
Bing: Cheryl shows off huge 'lips'
Never ever felt so dissapointed in my life.
=====
Does anyone else think that the Real IRA should move to Spain and start a football club?
=====
From the sewers straight to the fridge.
Gaddafi has a lot in common with Fosters.
=====
One day the Pope was walking down an Italian road, when he spotted a black magic shop in an alleyway.
Curious, he decided to go inside and look around. As he approached the counter the woman behind told him they were doing a special on Voodoo Dolls.
The Pope thought for a few moments and told the woman he would like to buy one. She then informed him he would need to get the hair of the person he would like the doll to represent. He plucked some hair from his head and handed it over the counter. "You want a doll of yourself?" she asked. The Pope nodded and soon left with his doll.
The next day the Pope was visiting the victim of abuse at one of his churches. Producing the doll he said to the child, "Show me on the doll where the naughty priest touched you."