It's Black Friday today, I've just got myself a new laptop, 32 inch TV and a new games console for next to nothing.
But, I have just lost my job at ASDA.
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I'm not saying I'm unlucky, but yesterday I looked both ways before crossing the road and got hit by an aeroplane.
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Starting: what Jamaican astronomers look at.
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In the post today was an envelope marked – Photographs Do Not Bend.
The Royal Mail has, however, proven that they do.
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I came home early today to discover my girlfriend naked in the lounge, listening to Barry White, with two glasses of wine in front of her.
"I bloody knew it!" I shouted. "You do have a drinking problem".
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Porn studios have more clean sheets than Liverpool FC.
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My fine art and fragrances business has failed.
The perfumes sold well, but I didn't really know how to market the paintings I'd bought.
I ended up with more Monet than scents.
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I can't speak for anyone else, but I think I'm a terrible ventriloquist.
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Stargaze.
Homosexuals from space.
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I was saddened to hear that Phillip Hughes passed away after being hit in the head by a bouncer.
Those doormen don't fuck about over there, do they?
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Darren Bent has signed for Brighton and Hove Albion on loan, the club have taken the unusual step of allowing the player to have his first name, instead of his surname of the back of the shirt.
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Farting: A Jamaican looking at something a long way away.
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I heard a couple screaming at each other across the carpark yesterday and decided to go over and try and calm the situation down.
As I got closer I realised they were just having a conversation in German.
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I should nail my job interview as a tv weatherman tomorrow.
I'm brilliant at guessing.
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What weighs 13 tons and can be stopped with one finger?
A bus.
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How many people from Ferguson does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know either. I'll let you know once the hardware store has been rebuilt and restocked.
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So, if you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.
Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
Eh?
Apparently, Japanese prisons have the highest escape rate anywhere in the world.
Not surprising really when all the cell doors are made of paper.
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"I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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Painting: A Jamaican describing his discomfort.
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Gemma Collins was excited about returning to Essex after being offered a new job which will "Pave the way."
A spokesman for Essex County Council said " We're equally excited, it's been over a year since we have had a working steam roller."
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"I'll be very late this morning,I'm stuck in Paddington."
"Since when do you take the train to work?"
"Not the station, the bear."
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I can't help but feel that Bing Crosby would have been even more popular if he was called Google Crosby.
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Some people measure themselves with external accomplishments like wealth, social status, even vanity.
Others use internal ones, such as honesty, sincerity, simplicity, humility and generosity.
Me? I use a ruler with the first four inches cut off.
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Shooting: Something a Jamaican puts on his foot
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I took my grandparents food shopping today.
Well, my cupboards were bare and I have a key to their house.
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"What are you all running for?"
"There's a tiger on the loose."
"Which way did it go?"
"Well, we're not fucking chasing it."
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If anyone's interested, Katie Price isn't pregnant.
You'd better hurry.
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What's the difference between the Tory Party and a single duvet?
A single duvet won't provide cover for hundreds of paedophiles.
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If you don't know the first rule of psychic club get the fuck out.
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I'm just back from Conspiracy Theory Club.
You won't believe the first rule.
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Bob Geldof has helped save the lives of millions of Africans.
Although his record isn't quite so good with his family.
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This morning I rang one of my mental patients for a laugh.
He's convinced he's a doorbell.
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"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?"
"What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?"
"It's where I put my semi in your colon."
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My most uncomfortable memory from childhood was when I turned 11, and my dad sat me down to have "The Sex Talk".
Turns out he's into some crazy shit.
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Women are always falling at my feet.
I'm a terrible ski instructor.
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I've just bought a Christmas jumper with Penguins on.
Then the chocolate melted and they all fell off.
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I'd love to know what the media would do if there was ever a scandal about a gate.
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Does your job influence the football team you support?
Later, we'll ask a Nottingham florist.