How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?
The correct term is 'replace', actually.
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BBC News: German customs officers have intercepted a package from a South American country, bound for the Vatican, containing 14 condoms filled with £40,000 of liquid cocaine.
A Vatican spokesman said, "We will not tolerate condoms here."
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My Thai wife and I have fallen out again.
She went mental because I left the toilet seat down.
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Have you noticed the Creationist's perspective on fossils has changed?
It started with "fossils were created by Satan to TRICK us"
Which became "fossils were created by god to TEST us"
To currently "Jesus rode a brontosaurus"
Proof that even bullshit evolves.
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They say that forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest.
But those oranges I nicked out of the 'Condemned' bin round the back of Aldi's were fucking horrible.
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We are the illiterati.
Fere us.
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I much preferred the Malaysian version of LOST, it was shorter, had more twists but still the same ending.
They where dead the entire time.
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If I ever went on Mastermind, my special subject would be, Questions that require the answer 'pass'.
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When I first came to Slough I thought the streets were paved with gold.
Turns out it was just sunlight reflecting off the pools of piss.
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How can you tell if a woman is a feminist?
If the boring clothes, lack of makeup or angry demeanour don't give it away, she'll tell you within 2 minutes.
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Referee Andre Marriner has been ridiculed in newspapers for sending off Kieran Gibbs instead of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.
The Premier League has responded quickly by suspending Mark Clattenburg and issuing a full apology to Lewis Hamilton.
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With news of the likely crash site of MH370, HMS Liverpool diverted hoping to locate luggage and duty free.
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Apparently, Internet Explorer was named after the space shuttle Explorer, as it was supposed to be lightning quick and return with the best results.
Personally I think they'd have been better calling it Internet Challenger.
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BBC Sports: Moyes confident ahead of the derby on Tuesday.
The Man U players stand a much better chance of winning something now they've switched to horse racing.
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I can't wait for the Formula 1: Malaysian GP this weekend.
I'm dying to see how many cars vanish going into the first turn.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella party.
So I invited a couple of her friends round, and made them clean the house.
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"I bought myself a couple of Catholic pencils earlier."
"How do you know they're Catholic?"
"No rubbers."
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So Les Dennis, a Scouser, joins Coronation Street, a Mancunian soap, what part do they give him, yeah that's right, a burglar.
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My mate drinks to forget.
Mostly the things he did the last time he got drunk.
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So Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have split up.
Perhaps, now that he's depressed, he'll write some decent fucking songs.
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Financial Times: Putin announces historic G-1 summit'
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I'm not saying I rough lot lot as a child, but my favourite teddy was the courtroom doll.
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What has no wings and can't float?
A Chinese telephone.
Only joking MH370.
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As an exhibitionist, when I ended up in court they made me sign the Sex Offenders Register.
Which was a bit of a turn-on.
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The Internet has been a great tool in educating me.
About how uneducated some people on the Internet are.
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'You can skip this advert in 30 seconds'.
You can't skip this advert then.
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What's got two legs, four arms and one face?
Oscar Pistorius and Reena Steencamp.
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Anyone else find it ironic that you can't spell manure without man u.
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A man rang up the health centre and said, "I'd like to make an appointment to see the doctor about my dyslexia."
"Certainly," said the receptionist. "What's your name please?"
"Mr. Kulczycki."
She said, "Can you spell that for me?"
"No."
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What's the difference between Norfolk and Suffolk?
A couple of feet.
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Mick Hucknall's face isn't holding back the years these days.
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Apparently, Phil Neville is set to be an integral part of the proceedings when Man United play Bayern Munich at Old Trafford.
He's going to ring in a bomb threat and hope the game gets cancelled.
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Bestiality is the cheapest of all the sexual perversions.
Providing you can stick to a tight budgie.
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Malaysian Airlines.
Sponsored by Vanish.
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If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck.
Should I really be having sex with it?
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I took a picture of myself with books on my head.
Yep, it's a shelfie.
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The Weather Girls sang with great confidence in 1982: "For the first time in history it's gonna start raining men."
But if I'm not mistaken, that milestone was passed in 1941 when the paratroopers of the German Luftwaffe mounted Operation Mercury on the island of Crete.
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When the Malaysian flight was first announced as missing I convinced myself that it must have been a stunt by a magician like David Blaine, maybe to demonstrate how fragile we are in everyday life and how we put our faith in travel when we could so easily be lost.
I came to my senses though, and realised that the tragedy was real when I noticed the evidence that it couldn't possibly be a David Blaine trick. Firstly, millions were watching. Secondly, they gave a fuck