The Guardian has just revealed that the British spy agency GCHQ has secret access to the world's Facebook posts, phone calls, emails and internet history.
I hope they enjoy my extensive selection of Smurf porn.
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I won the lottery last week, so I had an amazing night of champagne, drugs and high-class hookers.
It was only a tenner, but this fucker knows how to celebrate.
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It's the Lions versus the Wallabies today and I think I know what the result will be.
I'll get sacked from Woburn Safari Park.
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I've just released a fragrance.
No one on this bus seems too pleased though.
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A policeman came up to me today and said, "I'm looking for a white male, about 5'11, blonde hair and blue eyes."
I said, "Why, what's he done?"
He said, "Nothing, I'm just feeling really fucking horny."
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'Ooh must save the rainforests' says everyone, but the first sign of mould in the bathroom and out comes the bleach.
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My wife staggered in the door at seven o'clock this morning, hair all over the place and limping.
"What the fuck happened to you?" I asked
"Guy with huge cock in the park," she replied, holding her crotch.
"Oh my god! Do you think you could identify him?"
"I fucking hope so," she replied. "I'm meeting him again tonight."
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Premature ejaculator seeks bubbly, blonde female with big ti...
Hang on, doesn't matter now.
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I'm not saying my new girlfriend's a bit of a slut.
But people keep writing "even my van's not as dirty as this", on her back.
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My new girlfriend 'self harms' by sitting in the freezer.
She's an esk emo.
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My mate suggested I get a patch to help me give up smoking.
Waste of time, I still crave cigarettes and now my depth perception is all fucked up.
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My mate had one of his testicles removed today after finding a lump.
That's how serious he is about mashed potato.
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I love finding money that I've forgotten about, I've just found a bag with 250 pounds in it.
It was in my brothers room, under his bed, in a sock, behind a loose brick in the wall.
I don't remember putting in there but now I can afford to go out on the piss.
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I want more self confidence.
I just don't deserve it though.
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To help me feel better about the price of petrol, I prefer to call it liquid exploding dinosaurs.
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"What can I do for you?" The doctor asked.
"It's when I go to the toilet," I replied. "I've always got to strain before it comes out in one big hard lump."
"That's quite a common problem," he said, "I'll give you something to loosen it up."
"Great," I replied, "And that'll help me have a normal piss?"
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I used to love going to Starbucks to look at some sexy milfs getting their tits out.
But, apparently, "that's not what the free Wifi is for".
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I saw a mug in a shop today that had 'World's Best Mum' written on it.
So I acted really politely in front of it, in the hope that it would adopt me.
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Wimbledon
The time of year blind people think porn is being shown on daytime TV.
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It doesn't matter how old you are, you know you still haven't grown up yet when a duck quacks at you and you quack back.
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I walked into Argos today and said, "Can I have one of your inflatable crocodiles please."
"Going somewhere hot?" the woman asked.
"No, my girlfriend left me" I replied. "And Ann Summers was closed."
79 percent of 85 people asked, said "Advert statistics for womens hair products are hard to understand."
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Started a new exercise regime today.
Everyday, before I get out of bed I do 1 sit-up!
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Silence is golden, unless you have kids.
Then it's just suspicious.
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So.
If you don't pay your TV licence in Britain, you can be sent to prison.
Where, ironically, there's a free and abundant supply of 'BBC'.
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I let a 'silent but deadly' one go last night.
He said if I didn't his ninja mates would come and kill me.
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1 in 4 people live in denial.
Not me.
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Yesterday, I got out of BBC HQ without being sexually abused.
I feel so old.
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My date woke up next to me this morning and said, "Did we?"
I said, "You were very drunk and fell asleep."
She said, "Oh, I'm so sorry."
"Don't worry about it," I replied. "You probably wouldn't have agreed to anal if you hadn't."
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I open the window for one fucking second to let a fly out and 10 flies, 3 Mosquitos, 2 moths and a fucking Jehovah's Witness got in.
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Sick of cliques?
Join the club
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The BBC have apologised to the male viewers of the Voice.
Next time Holly Willoughby will get her tits out properly.
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Surely Kim and Kanye naming their child North West paves the way for Kate and William to call theirs Legoland Windsor.
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My mate asked me what I'd rather have, the lottery or a big dick.
I said, "That's easy, the big dick."
"Fine," he said, tearing up the ticket. "Bend over."
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BBC News: Teacher struck off after pupil sex.
I should think so, that could blind someone.
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I am such a lucky bastard. A friend just gave me 4 tickets to go and see Robbie Williams at Wembley this Saturday.
At exactly the same time that I realised that I had run out of toilet roll.
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Old MacDonald loves to play with action dolls.
G I G I Joe.
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I think my girlfriend might be an android.
She just passed me a phone and said it was her dad.
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This women came up to me and asked if she could ask me 10 questions.
"1) Have you ever suffered from blackouts?"
I replied no.
She then said "Ok...Question 10..."
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I set up a hidden camera in the ladies changing room yesterday.
Today when I watched the footage all I could see was a big black cock and a hairy arse.
What's the chances?
Hundreds of fucking cubicles at Wimbledon and Serena Williams had to choose that one!
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Sky News: People around the world are waiting for news of Nelson Mandela's death.
I wouldn't hold your breath.
If his track record is anything to go by, he'll be in his current predicament for the next 27 years.
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Breaking News - The UK has been reported to have twice as much gas as first thought.
America have declared war and will be invading tomorrow.
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Me and my mate Dave fancy the same girl and we've both been invited to her fancy dress party this weekend.
"What are you going as?" I asked him.
"A bumble bee," he replied, "Because Sarah is going as a flower and bees love flowers so I'll be around her all night."
"What about you?" he asked, "What are you going as?"
"A newspaper."
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I don't know whether to meet my new Scottish girlfriend or go and see a play at the Globe Theatre.
I'm caught between a Jock and a Bard place.
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Security at the airport were searching through my girlfriend's luggage when they found a load of condoms.
They immediately started laughing, then said, "In for a good holiday, sir?"
"Apparently not," I sobbed. "I had a vasectomy two years ago."
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I went to a bar and there was a sign reading:
- Cheese Sandwich £4.50
- Chicken Sandwich £6.50
- Wank £10.00
I checked my wallet's contents and approached the spectacular blonde behind the bar. "Excuse me, are you the lady who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes handsome" she replied with a lovely smile, "and I'm very, very good and thorough."
"Excellent" I told her while getting a tenner out, "wash your hands properly and I'll have the chicken sandwich please."
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I took this really fit bird and her child out to a VERY authentic Vietnamese restaurant.
We had the noodles, while her kid stitched together Nike's for an hour.
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What do necrophiliacs call morticians?
Pimps.
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I was really upset at school today when I overheard some of the kids whispering that my Dad was bisexual.
I plan to confront him about the rumours after he's finished playing 'Naked Leapfrog' with his best mate, Julian.