BBC News: Fall in RBS share price wipes £2 billion off the value of the bank.
In other words, one meaningless number has been replaced by another meaningless number.
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Ghostbusters script writer & star Harold Ramis dies aged 69.
Who you gonna call?
Undertaker most likely.
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If winners don't do drugs.
Then David Moyes must be completely off his tits.
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"How many beers can you drink and still successfully drive?"
"Into what?"
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There is actually a book called, 'How To Poo On a Date'.
'Alone' would be my advice.
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"You may want to light a few candles, father."
"Why? Who died, my son?"
"Nobody, I'm cutting your power off."
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Theresa May has the power to refuse entry to the UK someone who is deemed not conducive to the public good.
I'm sending her a letter reminding her of this along with a picture of Piers Morgan.
He's America's problem now.
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I've been attending yoga classes for 2 years now.
Fucking useless though.
I still can't suck my own cock.
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I beat my Mother-in-law at arm wrestling yesterday by telling her that she was holding the hand that I masturbate with.
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I've volunteered to help with the conservation of Merseyside.
I'm on a Widnes Protection Scheme
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If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, then bring me one from 2024.
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Daily Mail: Terror linked to Syrian war is biggest threat to Britain since 9/11
Seeing as 9/11 was 3500 miles away, I'm not too worried.
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I had just finished clearing away the barbecue when I saw on the news that researchers claim there is an Alzheimer's link to barbecues and fry-ups.
What a load of bollocks!
I couldn't watch the news for long though, I had a barbecue to get started.
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I bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it.
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So Harold Ramis from Ghostbusters died.
That makes him the enemy now.
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I'm going to the gym now.
I'm not bragging I just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.
Now I feel depressed and miserable.
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Anyone else find it ironic that Russians love biathlons,
But they hate bi-athletes.
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"What do you think of my new disco lights?" I enthused to my wife when she got home.
"I know we're a bit short this month love, but I couldn't resist them. Look at this one! It makes everything go all jumpy and slow-motion."
I could see her biting her tongue.
Which is apparently what happens when you're epileptic.
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Jason Collins became the first openly gay player to play in an NBA game.
He also became the first NBA player not being pursued by a woman for child support.
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Manchester City fans have a new favourite drink called "The David Moyes."
Scotch on the rocks.
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Banker #1: "Last night, my date asked me what I would do with £10 million."
Banker #2: "What did you say?"
Banker #1: "I'd wonder where the rest of my money went."
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They say once you go black you'll never go back, but once you go Greek your arse will leak.
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I was swallowing a couple of tablets at the sink this morning when my girlfriend walked into the bathroom.
"What are they for?" she asked.
"These stop my cock getting any bigger" I joked.
"I assume you've been taking them since birth."
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I called my boss this morning and said, "Chris, I'm not feeling too clever."
"You can say that again," he replied, "You've got the wrong number."
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BBC News: A man in America has shot himself in the head while attempting to prove to his girlfriend that guns aren't dangerous.
I think we're safe to say that backfired.
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I spent all my money down the casino on the 'one arm bandit'
Say what you want about Big Jill, but for an amputee ex-con, she gives the best handjobs.
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As we stared at the stripper, my mate got his cock out and started to gently massage it.
We're banned from B&Q now.
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Because of the success of Operation Yew Tree, ITV have confirmed that the next series of "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" will be set in prison.
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Who's the most popular cartoon character among Belgian chemists?
SnSn.
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Barack and Michelle were at the White Sox spring training game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. A Secret Service agent leans forward and says something to the President. Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.
He then says "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!" So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."
Then he grabs Michelle by the collar and seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She kicks, screams and swears. The crowd goes wild - cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack bows and smiles, and leans over to the agent and says "Man you were right!"
"Sir, I said, they wanted you to throw the first PITCH!"