After hearing that the Queen's speech will be broadcast in 3-D this year, who else was relieved to find out that ping pong balls weren't involved?
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I didn't have the heart to tell my kids that I couldn't afford to fly them overseas for a holiday.
So I sat them down after dinner for a few nights and we all watched Air Crash Investigation.
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A teacher asks her class to use the word "contact" in a sentence. Josh gets up and says, "My older sister wears contact lenses."
"Well done, Josh," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Katie jumps up and says, "I just entered Susie into my phone as a contact."
"Very good, Katie," says the teacher. "Someone else have a go."
Little Johnny gets up and says, "My dad won't watch anything with Danny Dyer in it. He says he can't bear to watch that contact."
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Sky Sports News: FA to introduce sponge footballs and safety helmets after van Persie near death experience.
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I hate using condoms as they just take the natural feeling away.
With one on, I can't feel the skin of my hand.
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I've been having sex with Santa.
I'm a Hohosexual.
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Apparently "Gangnam Style" has become the first youtube video to reach over a billion views.
In fairness about 2 thirds of those people were actually looking for "Gang bang style."
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My grandad always said that he never felt the cold, but we now know he did.
It's what got the dirty old buastard sacked from the undertakers.
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I smoked a piece of salmon last night.
Ran out of cigarettes.
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A lady at the laundromat was giving me a funny look, a look of "I know you're going to try to steal my panties from the dryer you filthy pervert".
Nobody steals "clean" panties.
Idiot.
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I stopped following Adele on twitter just now.
So you guys should probably hear a new song about it sometime next week.
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BBC News: "Margaret Thatcher in hospital recovering from having a growth removed from her bladder."
It was probably her cock.
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As the number of people caught up in the BBC sex scandal increases, Bruce Forysth is said to be shitting himself.
But I think that's just because of his age.
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The most popular ice lolly in Ancient Rome was probably the MIVVI.
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The Apocalypse was heading for the world & making good time; fortunately though it was using Apple Maps & ended up only happening in Sheffield.
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I've recently started a "Chav Studies" course at University.
I can't wait to start the dissections.
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Pink elephants are getting rarer these days.
Last night I had to go to 14 pubs before I saw one.
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Americans, eh!
They believe healthcare will destroy society, yet guns will protect it.
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My money's on Ian Krankie being the next one arrested under Operation Yewtree.
I've always had a feeling he was fucking Jimmy Krankie behind closed doors.
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"You two are just imagining things", said the mirage guidance counsellor.
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My wife walked in to find me having sex with a can of corned beef.
"You said you were at work", she screamed.
"I said I was in a meat tin"
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Talking to a girl in a bar I whispered to her, "Did you know that a porn actor has an erection averaging 8 inches and he takes 30 minutes to come?"
"No I didn't." she said.
"And it's absolutely safe to sleep with them because they have to take regular tests?"
"How do you know, are you a porn star then?" she asked excitedly.
"No, I'm on the dole with nothing to do but read."
A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street last night and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you, please?"
"Show me your tits and then ask me the question again." I replied.
So she lifted up her top and bra and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you, please?"
"Sorry, luv. I don't smoke."
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Don't listen to people who tell you to do your Christmas shopping months in advance.
I did that last year, and we all ended up with food poisoning from the turkey.
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An American gunman walks into a bar.
"oop's, sorry, I thought this was a school".
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First rule of the end of the world club.
There is no end of the world.
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The kids were so excited on hristmas Eve because I told them that a jolly fat man with reindeer was coming.
You should have seen their faces when the butcher turned up with the venison for Christmas dinner.
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I went to see twilight last evening.
It was simply beautiful.
After that it disappeared into the dark blue sky.
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What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand fucking years?
M.
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The rising petrol prices are everyone.
Last week I saw Chris Rea biking home for Christmas.
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What's the best way to kill a rapist?
According to Alex Ferguson, it's tapping him on the head with a football.
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Syria unrest: Air strike on bakery 'kills dozens'
Which is 1 more dead than than you might think.
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My mate asked me last week, "So, are you all set for Christmas then?"
"Yep, passport, Ryanair tickets, suitcase, camera and mistletoe."
"Mistletoe?" He laughed, "What's that for?"
"So I can kiss my luggage goodbye."
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Last time I saw my ex she looked like a million dollars.
She was green and stuffed in a suitcase.
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After 16 pints of Coke, 9 bags of Minstrels and 5 large popcorns, The Hobbit was finally over.
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I went to a fancy dress karaoke party last night and sang 'Joe le Taxi' disguised as a fat, useless, TV and radio presenter.
People loved my Vanessa parody.
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I saw Miranda Hart get hit by a train the other day, turns out she can make me laugh.
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What is it about public toilets, that inhibits people's ability to aim their shit and piss straight?
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Onm Christmas Eve I was visited by the 'Ghost of Christmas Past'.
He had an extraordinary amount of socks with him.
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I was asked at my job interview today at a call centre what qualities I had for the job.
"I'm rude, arrogant, don't take any bullshit and have no interest in people's problems."
I start on Monday.
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I've always followed the custom of ringing bells at Christmas time.
Even though they've never sent me any free whiskey.
Bastards.
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I've just got some cash out and the machine asked if I want an advice slip.
'Stop wanking in the toilets at work' was what I expected.
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Paul Daniels has admitted that some of his groupies back in the 70s may have been underage.
It just goes to show that there are some absolutely sick, vile creatures out there.
Who would actually want to be a groupie to Paul Daniels.
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That's three Christmas Eve's in a row now that The Grinch has been on.
Once again, I had to make do with one of her fucking hand jobs.
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Don't you hate it when you're typing something and you're thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were tits.
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My ex is so ugly, that when she passed out at the Christmas party she woke up with more clothes on.
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I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.
Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.