When it comes to sex, I am nothing like Rick Astley,
I'll pretty much always let you down.
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So when you're Sexting, do you get a Phoner?
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So, a Tech firm's been building a robotic cat.
To my mind, if you wanted a cat with the personality of a robot, you'd just get a fucking cat.
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My cock turns into a stick of dynamite every time I wank.
I think I've got a terror wrist.
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It's been 4 years to the day that I threw that boomerang.
I still find myself looking over my shoulder and living in fear.
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It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.
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I've just spotted a man standing on the corner of my street with two toilet rolls.
I have absolutely no idea what he's up to.
If only these binoculars were real.
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Britney Spears is set to make $19 million from her latest gigs in Las Vegas.
That officially makes her the highest paid mime artist of all time.
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There's an article in New Scientist which says they've found a link between the chemicals in shampoo, and obesity.
If you're eating shampoo your weight's the least of your concerns.
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They've made a 2013 version of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
He just stayed at home and wanked off to internet porn.
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Apple: Cost of manufacturing new iPhone is USD$199.
That's just parts though. When you add in labour, it's USD$200.
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Why did the hepatitis virus cross the road?
It saw Russel Brand coming and didn't want to catch anything nasty.
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Like many men, I think of my penis as a gun.
Mine's an oozey 9 millimetre.
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A stunning brunette came up to me at the club and said, "Come with me and ... well, you know"
I said, "What?"
She said, "Come on, you're not stupid. Don't make me say it"
"Ah, I get you now", I said giving her a wink. "But I'm warning you, you won't be able to walk in the morning"
She smiled and said, "We'll see about that"
She obviously doesn't realise how seriously I take Fight Club.
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Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Hey, it could happen.
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After seeing how the mental health charity MIND managed to get a large donation from ASDA and 'mental patient' costumes banned for
reinforcing outdated stereotypes a Somali group has made an official complaint about their pirate outfits.
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You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the DIY store try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes when
you try and start a chainsaw.
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After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.
"That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.
My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.
"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."
Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.
"What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."
Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio."
"I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."
Has anyone had a look in Schrodinger's grave to see if he's alive or dead?
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Nice offer on Amazon.
If you buy all Adam & The Ants sheet music, they'll throw in a stand & deliver.
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I hadn't been laid for six months until last night, when my ex girlfriend called and said wanted sex.
Now, I'm not saying that I couldn't wait, but I did manage to get flashed by two speed cameras on the way to her house.
Which is quite impressive considering I was on foot.
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BBC Radio 1 News: More than a quarter of 18 to 24-year-olds in Britain do not trust Muslims, a BBC Radio 1 poll suggests.
But that's got nothing on the number of 1 to 16-year- olds that don't trust BBC employees.
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I thought my 4 year old son had a stutter until I realised Peppa Pig was a cartoon character.
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It's been 4 years to the day that I threw that boomerang.
I'm looking over my shoulder and living in fear.
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Elton John claims he can "spot a car crash before it happens," referring to Miley Cyrus.
If that's the case, why didn't he fucking do that with Diana?
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The real reason that BlackBerry have had to cut jobs is that because the staff were outnumbering the people who actually own a BlackBerry.
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I'm willing to bet good money the inventor of the ejector seat hated his wife.
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What's a pirate's favourite letter?
You may think it's "Arrr" but, nay, his first love be the "C".
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Apparently my Grandpa used to say, "Don't follow other people's path, create yours to be followed."
During WWII, he got killed in a minefield.
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So. a Chinese court has found disgraced former top politician Bo Xilai guilty of bribery, corruption, embezzlement and abuse of power.
In other words, they've found him guilty of being a politician.
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Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girlfriend's hair.
Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that we're out of napkins.
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What's the difference between Prince Andrew and Manchester United?
Prince Andrew's never regretted getting rid of Fergie.
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I stopped buying Glucosamine tablets as soon as I found out they were made from bits of animal sinew and cartilage.
I figured Tesco Value Sausages would do the job for half the price.
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I just bought a cottage by the Menai Strait in Wales and I've found an oil painting in the attic.
I'm going to take it to 'The Antiques Roadshow'.
I think it's an original Van Gogogoch.
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The bomb squad looked at me in disgust after I phoned them up telling them I found an unattended back pack.
Apparently it being on the shelf in Matalan is nothing to worry about.
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After succeeding in pulling the shipwrecked Costa Concordia out of the Med, the contractors have now been asked to keep Sunderland up.
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I've decided to financially support my teenage daughter for the rest of her life.
It's cheaper than sending her to fucking university.
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Whilst walking the dog today, I was flicking through my new i-phone and began thinking about technology and how it has
completely revolutionized our lives , thus enabling us to do things we wouldn't have dreamt about doing twenty years ago.
I then paused to pick up dog shit with my hand inside a plastic bag.
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My boss says he hates arse-lickers.
I couldn't agree more.