So another unexplained crash in Europe leads to conspiracy theories and a smoke screen of media frenzy.
Just a thought, has anyone seen or heard of that woman who called Prince Andrew a pedophile recently?
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My girlfriend's got a ladder in her tights.
She's truly is the most talented shoplifter ever.
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If there's one thing you will not see at a masturbation addiction meeting, it's people shaking hands.
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I've been so lonely and sad recently that I've taken out PPI insurance, so that people will ring me.
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A horse walks into a bar.
"Why the long face?" asks the barman.
"I'm HIV positive" replies the horse, breaking down into tears.
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I was going on a long train journey, so I bought a book called 'The Raven And Other Collected Works'.
I thought I'd give Poe a try in motion.
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Lil Chris fans, I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
I hope you're both OK.
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For a second there,this week, I thought Malaysia was attacking France.
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I'm remaking the film, 127 Hours with Angelina Jolie starring in the lead role as the ill-fated hiker.
It's going to begin with her chopping off an arm in anticipation that it could get stuck underneath a boulder.
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I'm in witness protection.
I sell condoms to the Jehovah's.
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So, another chart show DJ has been arrested for noncery.
At least now we know why they all got so excited counting down from 10.
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The NRA says that guns don't kill people, people kill people.
My uncle would disagree.
He was killed by a shark.
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The next generation of British aircraft carriers will be called the Queen Elizabeth and the Prince of Wales.
Which is quite fitting really as the Prince of Wales is basically going to sit around doing nothing unless something happens to the Queen Elizabeth.
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They say Glasgow is bad for its crime but there's a murder in Midsomer every week, and no one bats a fucking eyelid.
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On a ten of one to scale,how dyslexic are you?
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What's the difference between a zit and 70's Radio One DJ?
A zit only comes on your face after puberty.
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Knock, knock.
............
Knock! Knock!
Crash.
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Its presumptuous to assume Harry Styles was crying on stage because Zayn Malik had left One Direction.
Maybe he'd just had his vagina waxed.
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I don't know all the signs of the apocalypse off hand, but Nicklas Bendtner scoring a hat-trick against USA has to be one of them.
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Missiles.
They don't sound very accurate do they.
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Did you know if a chav gets decapitated, they will still continue to take selfies for 5 to 7 minutes?
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"Do you know who I am? Do ya? Tell me my fuckin name."
Scary as fuck if it's a mobster saying it.
Heartbreaking if it's your Alzheimer ridden grandad.
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I'm pretty sure the only thing that will be golden during my golden years is my urine.
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I keep a cricket bat under my bed for protection.
Turns out it's much less effective than condoms.
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The Sun's headline 29th of December 2011: "Zayn Malik vows to ditch the fags."
You've got to hand it to The Sun, they predicted it years before anyone else.
First Angelina's breasts. Now her ovaries.
Does anybody else think that someone is discretely trying to kidnap her?
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Tesco: Because every Lidl Hurts
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I'm great at working under pressure and to tight deadlines sounds so much better than I leave everything till last minute on my CV.
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"You put it down."
"No you put it down "
"No you put it down "
"Haha, no you put it down "
"No you put it down.You're fucking the Vet."
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "Fine, do whatever you want!" in an argument,
and you do it.
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Daily Mail online: Precious metals in human poo are "worth millions", say scientists.
Honestly, that's the biggest load of shit I've ever spread out on my kitchen counter and examined with a magnifying glass.
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Mate, you're a bagging area, how unexpected can my item be?
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I hid in the wardrobe naked and as she moved closer to the bed leapt out causing her to scream loudly.
Anyway long story short, I'm now banned from Ikea.
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You see a lot of people posting pictures of meals they have prepared on Facebook nowadays, which are often getting lots of "likes". But when I was repeatedly taking Polaroid photos of my meals and then spending 3 hours a night driving round my family and friends to show them, before Facebook was invented, I was considered "insane" and was locked in a mental institution for 10 years.
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When I was a kid my mum would make me boiled eggs with soldiers.
Now, because of government cutbacks, she has to make them her on her own.
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I just hope the re-enactment of the burial of Richard III helps them catch the blokes that did it.
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I know who invented the word "Confidential".
But I can't tell you.
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Naming a porn website "Brazzers" is really considerate because the name can be typed entirely with the left-hand.
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I had been seeing a woman for a while and she asked how many sexual partners I'd had.
"I've been very unlucky," I said. "Only four."
"Four?" she replied. "That's not unlucky."
"It is when they were Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter and Fred Talbot."
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"Have you ever been roller blading?"
"No, but one time I keyed a Bentley"
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I went to an 'Inter-Religion Integration Seminar'
The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said: By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said: by the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said: Insha Allah, you will walk today!
I snapped at him: There is nothing wrong with me.
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said: By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
When it finished, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
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It looked like things were getting pretty ugly in the pub last night when I saw two fat blokes circling each other.
It turned out they were just trapped in each other's orbit.
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I got fingered for a crime once.
My dad was a fan of cruel and unusual punishments.
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Joyriding is a socially unacceptable crime.
Unless you're from Liverpool where it is an 8th birthday party activity.
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I had just one shake before gym this morning.
You could tell by the piss seeping through the front of my tracksuit.
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The Daily Mail has left me confused.
Do millions of immigrants come to Britain to steal our jobs or claim our benefits?
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Mary Poppins once said "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down".
Not if you have diabetes the murdering bitch.
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A woman getting married for the fourth time goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", the sales clerk reminds her. "You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride.
"Impossible," says the sales clerk.
"Not true", the bride says wistfully. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector. God I miss him!"