Statistically now, you are more likely to be bitten by Luis Suarez than a shark.
=====
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
=====
I see Sunni and Shia are at eachother's throats again.
I thought they split up years ago.
=====
I once had a near death experience.
I went on a cruise. It was really hot and I decided to cover my shoulders with my George Cross towel.
Near got buried at sea.
=====
Today I'm going to be 110% lazy.
Actually maybe just 10%.
=====
I've been single so long that GF means grandfather to me.
=====
My Jehovah's Witness neighbour died yesterday.
Do you think God pretended he wasn't in?
=====
BBC News: "Health group calls for sugar tax to cut child obesity."
Because exercise is just too damn hard.
=====
After ending up in jail and being subjected to arse sex all night, I couldn't help thinking that my uncle takes Monopoly far to seriously.
=====
I can't wait to watch "Keeping up with the Kardashians".
It sounds great.
One question though... is it Rottweilers or Dobermans that are chasing them?
=====
You know you have a serious issue with body hair when your nose trimmer is manufactured by Flymo.
=====
What's white and doesn't work?
Steven Gerrard in his lucky England shirt.
=====
Sky Sports News: England press conference coming up at 5pm.
When Roy Hodgson will be clutching at more straws than a masturbating scarecrow.
=====
The US military claims it "never leaves soldiers behind."
That's because they never fucking leave.
=====
I'm at that age where the most enjoyable part of sex is the wonderful sleep you get just afterwards.
=====
"After being in a coma for so long which has resulted in some memory loss, I want to get back on my feet and do something I have never done before, to go skiing for the very first time"
- Michael Schumacher.
=====
Hyperbolic.
An over-active testicle'
=====
After receiving fake legal letters to demand debt repayment, Wonga customers are to receive £50 each in compensation.
Rising to £50,000 if they wait more than a month.
=====
In a recent interview, 70-year-old Mick Jagger revealed his secret to looking so young.
Yeah, Mick, we already know.
It's by standing next to Keith Richards all the time.
=====
For those remaining Americans that still don't grip the mechanics of sarcasm:
Your wars are always justified and the safety of your schools is second to none, oh and thanks for AIDS
=====
Messi's carrying Argentina,
Neymar's carrying Brazil,
Chiellini's carrying rabies.
=====
A lot of people were surprised to see the gangster on trial for beating me up, appear in the dock wearing stockings, suspenders and garish make up.
Maybe he won't start on me again now he realises I'm a courtroom artist for the local paper.
=====
........WANTED............
..............DEAD OR ALIVE..............
- Jimmy Savile's lonely hearts advert.
=====
I was in London today and jumped into a black cab.
I said, "Waterloo, mate."
"The station?"
"Well, I'm a bit late for the battle."
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep, In-laws."
=====
Remember the story about Jesus' miracle of multiplication?
In which he had a handful of bread and fish and made thousands of copies of them and then distributed for free to thousands of people?
Replace "bread and fish" with "games/music/movies" and there you go.
Piracy.
Jesus was killing the bread and fish industry.
=====
In Amsterdam passengers on a Virgin Atlantic flight had a nightmare situation, where they were kept on a boiling hot plane, without food, water, or access to the toilets, for more than four hours.
So, what Ryanair would call 'a flight'.
=====
I once had a near death experience.
I was walking along the edge of a cliff, when it gave way under my feet, and I fell 150 feet.
Luckily I had my headphones in so, the wire stuck to absolutely everything on the way down and I landed with a mild bump.
=====
I told you Abu Qatada and Rebekah Brooks were innocent.
Now can somebody PLEASE let me out of here.
Yours,
Stuart Hall
HMP Wormwood Scrubs
=====
Parachute for sale.
Never opened.
Used once.
Large stain.
Offers.
=====
Judaism, Christianity and Islam are all equally valid, but one thing breaks the tie in favour of Christianity:
Grilled cheese with bacon.
=====
What's the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team?
The guy would survive the first round.
=====
I can't stand obnoxious commuters who think that it's acceptable to wear backpacks on packed commuter Tube lines.
The other day one of them turned round suddenly and barged right into my double bass.
=====
A ginger walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
"Single?" Asks the barman.
"Ha ha,very funny." Says the ginger.
=====
Men!
There's only one shopping day left before Christmas.
Which is 24th December.
=====
I saw some Muslims burning the England flag outside of an army recruitment centre.
God, they take the World Cup way too serious.
=====
I've always wondered if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried and he just wanted to get to the party.
=====
England only got 1 point at the World Cup?
Are you sure we're not watching Eurovision?
=====
Wouldn't it be ironic if Andy Coulson was hacked to death in prison.
=====
Rebekah Brooks is innocent in the phone hacking and generally being a complete turd scandal.
In other news, Satan has been working at a soup kitchen and Robert Mugabe is teaching orphans to read.
=====
If you're a Liverpool Fan you are currently doing one of these three things:
1) Defending Gerrard
2) Defending Suarez
3) Kissing your sister
=====
"Would you like to hear today's special?" Asked the waiter.
"Yes please," I smiled.
"Today is special," he replied, then walked off.
=====
I just saw a pensioner do a tribute to the England team.
She got off the bus looking a bit confused, then got back on and went home.
=====
Pope Francis announced he's going to visit Poland sometime next year.
He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Polish people.
Then he'll come to Slough and give the same message to even more Polish people.
=====
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
While working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep, In-laws."
=====
Remember the story about Jesus' miracle of multiplication?
In which he had a handful of bread and fish and made thousands of copies of them and then distributed for free to thousands of people?
Replace "bread and fish" with "games/music/movies" and there you go.
Piracy.
Jesus was killing the bread and fish industry.
=====
In Amsterdam passengers on a Virgin Atlantic flight had a nightmare situation, where they were kept on a boiling hot plane, without food, water, or access to the toilets, for more than four hours.
So, what Ryanair would call 'a flight'.
=====
I once had a near death experience.
I was walking along the edge of a cliff, when it gave way under my feet, and I fell 150 feet.
Luckily I had my headphones in so, the wire stuck to absolutely everything on the way down and I landed with a mild bump.
=====
I told you Abu Qatada and Rebekah Brooks were innocent.
Now can somebody PLEASE let me out of here.
Yours,
Stuart Hall
HMP Wormwood Scrubs
=====
Parachute for sale.
Never opened.
Used once.
Large stain.
Offers.
=====
Judaism, Christianity and Islam are all equally valid, but one thing breaks the tie in favour of Christianity:
Grilled cheese with bacon.
=====
What's the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team?
The guy would survive the first round.
=====
I can't stand obnoxious commuters who think that it's acceptable to wear backpacks on packed commuter Tube lines.
The other day one of them turned round suddenly and barged right into my double bass.
=====
A ginger walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
"Single?" Asks the barman.
"Ha ha,very funny." Says the ginger.
=====
Men!
There's only one shopping day left before Christmas.
Which is 24th December.
=====
I saw some Muslims burning the England flag outside of an army recruitment centre.
God, they take the World Cup way too serious.
=====
I've always wondered if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried and he just wanted to get to the party.
=====
England only got 1 point at the World Cup?
Are you sure we're not watching Eurovision?
=====
Wouldn't it be ironic if Andy Coulson was hacked to death in prison.
=====
Rebekah Brooks is innocent in the phone hacking and generally being a complete turd scandal.
In other news, Satan has been working at a soup kitchen and Robert Mugabe is teaching orphans to read.
=====
If you're a Liverpool Fan you are currently doing one of these three things:
1) Defending Gerrard
2) Defending Suarez
3) Kissing your sister
=====
"Would you like to hear today's special?" Asked the waiter.
"Yes please," I smiled.
"Today is special," he replied, then walked off.
=====
I just saw a pensioner do a tribute to the England team.
She got off the bus looking a bit confused, then got back on and went home.
=====
Pope Francis announced he's going to visit Poland sometime next year.
He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Polish people.
Then he'll come to Slough and give the same message to even more Polish people.
=====
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
While working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."