I always get interrupted whenever I'm playing the Air Harp in public by people asking why I've summoned them over.
=====
You wouldn't steal a car.
You wouldn't steal a film.
So why download a movie?
Um, because I don't like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn?
=====
As I was jogging through the park earlier I couldn't help but stare at these massive tits bouncing up and down.
After staring at them unblinkingly for several minutes I realised I had a problem.
I'm a big fat fuck.
=====
Why did Stewart Downing cross he road?
He didn't, he couldn't even cross that.
=====
Toilet Duck.
Because nobody wants to be hit by a toilet.
=====
McDonalds Korea are introducing the Yappy Meal.
=====
I saw a woman at the park today, wearing a really short skirt.
She said "If you're going to wear skirts, make them longer, i can actually see your bollocks."
=====
"I guess I'm going to have to get my hands dirty." I chuckled.
Anyway, that was my last day as a Gynecologist.
=====
All a woman wants is a strong but sensitive, confident but not arrogant, trustworthy man.
Who does whatever the fuck she tells him to.
=====
Geek joke
How many SEO experts does it take to change a light bulb lightbulbs LED bulbs garden lighting neon lights cheap lightbulbs free hardcore porn facial.
=====
I was telling this guy, how Bradley Wiggins' winning the Tour de France has revolutionised my business.
"Do you sell bikes then?" he asked.
"No, joke sideburns."
=====
My ex once said to me, "You treat the dog with more respect than you treat me!"
I replied, "Well, what do you expect?
When was the last time you fetched me my slippers? Or licked my balls while I'm wanking?"
=====
I don't sing in the shower because I find it too difficult.
Usually because I'm already crying and wanking.
=====
'A rolling stone gathers no moss'.
Which explains why it is they're the only band Kate hasn't fucked.
=====
As I sat down in front of the PC and had a wank.
He calmly added an indecency charge.
=====
I just bought the 'NOW 82' album.
It's shit, no 'Madness' or 'Adam & The Ants'.
=====
I realised we were poor when my mother said, "Don't go spilling anything on the tablecloth, your father hasn't read it yet."
=====
Companies like McDonald's and Coca Cola are sponsoring the London Olympics for around £30million each.
The British taxpayer is contributing £11billion.
I say we should get together and demand that spectators can only eat cheese sandwiches and drink milk.
=====
I realise that, after Pixie Lott's explicit sex tape was released online.
People probably are on Google now and won't read this line anyway.
=====
You wouldn't steal a car.
You wouldn't steal a film.
So why download a movie?
Um, because I don't like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn?
=====
As I was jogging through the park earlier I couldn't help but stare at these massive tits bouncing up and down.
After staring at them unblinkingly for several minutes I realised I had a problem.
I'm a big fat fuck.
=====
Why did Stewart Downing cross he road?
He didn't, he couldn't even cross that.
=====
Toilet Duck.
Because nobody wants to be hit by a toilet.
=====
McDonalds Korea are introducing the Yappy Meal.
=====
I saw a woman at the park today, wearing a really short skirt.
She said "If you're going to wear skirts, make them longer, i can actually see your bollocks."
=====
"I guess I'm going to have to get my hands dirty." I chuckled.
Anyway, that was my last day as a Gynecologist.
=====
All a woman wants is a strong but sensitive, confident but not arrogant, trustworthy man.
Who does whatever the fuck she tells him to.
=====
Geek joke
How many SEO experts does it take to change a light bulb lightbulbs LED bulbs garden lighting neon lights cheap lightbulbs free hardcore porn facial.
=====
I was telling this guy, how Bradley Wiggins' winning the Tour de France has revolutionised my business.
"Do you sell bikes then?" he asked.
"No, joke sideburns."
=====
My ex once said to me, "You treat the dog with more respect than you treat me!"
I replied, "Well, what do you expect?
When was the last time you fetched me my slippers? Or licked my balls while I'm wanking?"
=====
I don't sing in the shower because I find it too difficult.
Usually because I'm already crying and wanking.
=====
'A rolling stone gathers no moss'.
Which explains why it is they're the only band Kate hasn't fucked.
=====
As I sat down in front of the PC and had a wank.
He calmly added an indecency charge.
=====
I just bought the 'NOW 82' album.
It's shit, no 'Madness' or 'Adam & The Ants'.
=====
I realised we were poor when my mother said, "Don't go spilling anything on the tablecloth, your father hasn't read it yet."
=====
Companies like McDonald's and Coca Cola are sponsoring the London Olympics for around £30million each.
The British taxpayer is contributing £11billion.
I say we should get together and demand that spectators can only eat cheese sandwiches and drink milk.
=====
I realise that, after Pixie Lott's explicit sex tape was released online.
People probably are on Google now and won't read this line anyway.
They say dogs take on the personality of their owners which is bullshit because all my dog does is lay around all day and lick himself.
=====
These awful batman massacre jokes are bang out of order.....bang, bang, bang out of order.
=====
We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble set.
o I sold it on Ebay as a Welsh edition.
=====
I'd love to buy out an entire concert and when the artist comes on stage dramatically, it will just be me sitting there .
=====
On Tuesday, Google said it's Amelia Earhart's 115th birthday.
You'd think the world's most used search engine would know she likely died in a plane crash when she was 40.
=====
The Dark Knight Rises
Batmans struggle with viagra addiction.
=====
. . . / - - -
I regret writing that.
Remorse Code
=====
As me and the ex headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.
She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."
So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.
=====
I've just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
=====
"I'm sorry I'm home late mum," says Alan, "I got detention for not paying attention in class."
"Oh Alan," she replies, "how many times do I have to tell you this? I'm not your mum, and you live next door."
=====
I film, star, and direct one man porn productions or as the wife calls it wanking on webcam.
=====
Sky News: American gun lobby proposes sweeping ban on cinemas.
=====
This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.
I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.
I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.
Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.
It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.
Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.
You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?
In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.
Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.
We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.
Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.
The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.