_I've been listening to Bob Marley all day.
He told me not to take my Schizophrenia medication.
=====
What do we want?
Less choice!
When do we want it?
It's up to you!
=====
18.01.12 Internet world black out day.
19.01.12 the day no one hands in homework.
=====
After marvelling my wife's new breast's I asked, "Hey Doc, I have a question. How long after surgery would you say is safe
before I ejaculate all over them?"
"Certainly not straight away" He replied, "Put your penis away sir."
=====
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5 you bastard.
Sincerely,
The Unicorns.
=====
My uncle came round for a visit last night.
By my reckoning, that's 27 brothers my Mum's got.
=====
Me and my Wife have a superstition that when a family member dies we make love that night. Unfortunately that time has come again.
It's what she would have wanted.
=====
Under SOPA, you could get 5 years for uploading a Michael Jackson song.
One year more than the doctor who killed him.
=====
A women walks up to a man in a bar and says, "Do you mind me asking how tall you are?"
"I'm 6 foot 10 inches," he replies.
"Wow.. That's very tall. Now.. Tell me... Is everything in proportion?" she asks, with a wink.
"Unfortunately not," he says, shaking his head. "If everything was in proportion, I'd be 8 foot 9."
=====
Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair?
=====
If I had a pound for everytime I had sex, I'd be a millionaire.
If I lived in Zimbabwe.
=====
Mohammed Ali is 70 years old.
I remember when he used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now he just shakes like a shitting dog.
=====
Researchers have established that the oldest word is "vegetarian."
A legacy from caveman days, its original meaning was.
"Useless bastard who can't hunt for shit."
=====
For 40 days and 40 nights, my lips touched no food nor water. Then with sand in hand, I did beat upon my manhood and cry
"Rid me of my demons Lord", and my seed spilled, and I was sore ashamed.
It was at that point that I was thrown off the bus.
=====
Whats Gold and looks best on my ex?
Piss.
=====
To do list
1. Make a to-do list (check)
2. Check off the first thing on the list (check)
3. Realize you have already accomplished two things (check)
4. Reward yourself with a nap (in progress)
He told me not to take my Schizophrenia medication.
=====
What do we want?
Less choice!
When do we want it?
It's up to you!
=====
18.01.12 Internet world black out day.
19.01.12 the day no one hands in homework.
=====
After marvelling my wife's new breast's I asked, "Hey Doc, I have a question. How long after surgery would you say is safe
before I ejaculate all over them?"
"Certainly not straight away" He replied, "Put your penis away sir."
=====
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5 you bastard.
Sincerely,
The Unicorns.
=====
My uncle came round for a visit last night.
By my reckoning, that's 27 brothers my Mum's got.
=====
Me and my Wife have a superstition that when a family member dies we make love that night. Unfortunately that time has come again.
It's what she would have wanted.
=====
Under SOPA, you could get 5 years for uploading a Michael Jackson song.
One year more than the doctor who killed him.
=====
A women walks up to a man in a bar and says, "Do you mind me asking how tall you are?"
"I'm 6 foot 10 inches," he replies.
"Wow.. That's very tall. Now.. Tell me... Is everything in proportion?" she asks, with a wink.
"Unfortunately not," he says, shaking his head. "If everything was in proportion, I'd be 8 foot 9."
=====
Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair?
=====
If I had a pound for everytime I had sex, I'd be a millionaire.
If I lived in Zimbabwe.
=====
Mohammed Ali is 70 years old.
I remember when he used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now he just shakes like a shitting dog.
=====
Researchers have established that the oldest word is "vegetarian."
A legacy from caveman days, its original meaning was.
"Useless bastard who can't hunt for shit."
=====
For 40 days and 40 nights, my lips touched no food nor water. Then with sand in hand, I did beat upon my manhood and cry
"Rid me of my demons Lord", and my seed spilled, and I was sore ashamed.
It was at that point that I was thrown off the bus.
=====
Whats Gold and looks best on my ex?
Piss.
=====
To do list
1. Make a to-do list (check)
2. Check off the first thing on the list (check)
3. Realize you have already accomplished two things (check)
4. Reward yourself with a nap (in progress)
_
Found my wifes vibrator the other day.
Now I'm not saying it was big but I'm seriously thinking about entering it in Robot Wars.
=====
"Dad..."
"What?"
"How do you know when you've met the right woman?"
"Ooooh, they fucking tell you, son."
=====
I tried to log in on my iPad.
Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad.
Also, I'm out of vodka.
=====
Beyonce said that she delivered her baby naturally,
Which for her meant no wind machine or backup dancers.
=====
Daddy! There's a monster under my bed!"
"That's silly there's no such thing as mo... OH GOD IT'S TEARING MY ARM!
Kidding. He only eats kids. goodnight."
=====
My brother Dave has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my brother Dave has got it as well.
=====
My mate completed a magazine quiz entitled "How straight or gay are you?"
He carefully considered each answer and then turned to the back to check his score.
"Straight guys don't do magazine quizzes."
=====
Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship the Sky presenter said, " She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court "
I just happened to glance at the wife on the sofa and now its all kicked off here.
=====
Bob is sitting on a train staring dreamily at the the guy across from him.
"Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?"
"Whether you believe it or not," says Bob, "you are the spiitting image of my wife. Except for the beard."
"I don't have a beard," says the guy.
"No, but the wife does."
=====
My young daughter came home earlier, proudly showing off her finger painting:
"What do you think daddy?" she said.
"It's shit" I replied, "It looks nothing like a finger."
=====
I dropped off last night and then farted myself awake.
My Wife wasn't best pleased.
Don't think we'll be going to the theatre again for a while.
=====
My girlfriend read her horoscope today.
Taurus: 'You will meet an old aquaintance. Through no evidence at all, you will also believe every word of this, as you're a feeble minded woman without the tenacity to realise that I'm a fat homosexual making easy money out of gullible morons.'
Ooh! I wonder who the old aquaintance will be!
=====
"Whatever you do, don't lose your cool. I lost my cool once, and it killed my career."
- LL J
=====
I went to a toy shop yesterday and asked "Do you have any airfix models of Italian cruise liners?"
"Yes we do." Said the bloke behind the counter.
"Can you put it to one side for me?"
=====
Did you know that if you mix Coke Zero, Diet Pepsi, hazelnut coffee, and ketchup together, you get yelled at by the Manager at Tesco.
=====
My missus dressed up as a Police Woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged for being good in bed."
She's dropped the charge this morning due to lack of evidence.
=====
Asexual Reproduction can go fuck itself.
=====
I saw a grave stone earlier.
It was in the middle of a load of happy stones.
=====
The captain of the Costa Concordia has been summoned by Eurozone leaders to explain how best to cope with a sinking ship.
=====
My girlfriend told me to get the toys out during sex last night.
So I fisted her with my Hulk hands.
=====
If you ever join a religion, go for the Hokey Cokeyists.
They know what it's all about.
=====
What's red and white and gets fucked by swans?
Arsenal.
=====
Today I watched the film Limitless. Which stars Bradley Cooper as Eddie Morra. Morra the main protagonist takes a pill,
a pill which quadruples his IQ, allows him to learn several languages and acquire an immensely greater comprehension of the
world in which he lives.
Basically, some American fucker takes a pill, then he evolves into a European.
Found my wifes vibrator the other day.
Now I'm not saying it was big but I'm seriously thinking about entering it in Robot Wars.
=====
"Dad..."
"What?"
"How do you know when you've met the right woman?"
"Ooooh, they fucking tell you, son."
=====
I tried to log in on my iPad.
Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad.
Also, I'm out of vodka.
=====
Beyonce said that she delivered her baby naturally,
Which for her meant no wind machine or backup dancers.
=====
Daddy! There's a monster under my bed!"
"That's silly there's no such thing as mo... OH GOD IT'S TEARING MY ARM!
Kidding. He only eats kids. goodnight."
=====
My brother Dave has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my brother Dave has got it as well.
=====
My mate completed a magazine quiz entitled "How straight or gay are you?"
He carefully considered each answer and then turned to the back to check his score.
"Straight guys don't do magazine quizzes."
=====
Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship the Sky presenter said, " She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court "
I just happened to glance at the wife on the sofa and now its all kicked off here.
=====
Bob is sitting on a train staring dreamily at the the guy across from him.
"Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?"
"Whether you believe it or not," says Bob, "you are the spiitting image of my wife. Except for the beard."
"I don't have a beard," says the guy.
"No, but the wife does."
=====
My young daughter came home earlier, proudly showing off her finger painting:
"What do you think daddy?" she said.
"It's shit" I replied, "It looks nothing like a finger."
=====
I dropped off last night and then farted myself awake.
My Wife wasn't best pleased.
Don't think we'll be going to the theatre again for a while.
=====
My girlfriend read her horoscope today.
Taurus: 'You will meet an old aquaintance. Through no evidence at all, you will also believe every word of this, as you're a feeble minded woman without the tenacity to realise that I'm a fat homosexual making easy money out of gullible morons.'
Ooh! I wonder who the old aquaintance will be!
=====
"Whatever you do, don't lose your cool. I lost my cool once, and it killed my career."
- LL J
=====
I went to a toy shop yesterday and asked "Do you have any airfix models of Italian cruise liners?"
"Yes we do." Said the bloke behind the counter.
"Can you put it to one side for me?"
=====
Did you know that if you mix Coke Zero, Diet Pepsi, hazelnut coffee, and ketchup together, you get yelled at by the Manager at Tesco.
=====
My missus dressed up as a Police Woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged for being good in bed."
She's dropped the charge this morning due to lack of evidence.
=====
Asexual Reproduction can go fuck itself.
=====
I saw a grave stone earlier.
It was in the middle of a load of happy stones.
=====
The captain of the Costa Concordia has been summoned by Eurozone leaders to explain how best to cope with a sinking ship.
=====
My girlfriend told me to get the toys out during sex last night.
So I fisted her with my Hulk hands.
=====
If you ever join a religion, go for the Hokey Cokeyists.
They know what it's all about.
=====
What's red and white and gets fucked by swans?
Arsenal.
=====
Today I watched the film Limitless. Which stars Bradley Cooper as Eddie Morra. Morra the main protagonist takes a pill,
a pill which quadruples his IQ, allows him to learn several languages and acquire an immensely greater comprehension of the
world in which he lives.
Basically, some American fucker takes a pill, then he evolves into a European.