What do you call a Welshman that spreads diseases?
A boyo-hazard.
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I couldn't even get a date off a calendar.
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Anyone else think it's odd that we cut down trees, make paper from them, and then print on the paper, "Save the trees"?
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Apparently, Muslim suicide bombers are handing back their explosive vests and saying, "Fuck that", after seeing Madonna sing 'Like a Virgin'.
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When I was changing my son's nappy, he squirted a jet right into my face.
It nearly blinded me, but thank goodness I'd taken out PPI insurance.
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I would love to give Rachel Riley a cream 3.14159265359
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Has their face fallen on one side?
Is their speech slurred?
Act fast, get your autograph book. You've bumped into Sylvester Stallone!
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I wish that Russell Brand would keep his nose out of politics and get back to doing horoscopes.
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Have you heard that Errol Brown left the band Hot Chocolate because of a massive hump on his back?
Really?
Yeah. It started with a cyst.
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I find the surveys shown on cosmetic adverts are utterly pointless due to the small number of people questioned.
83% of 6 surveyed agree with me.
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I woke up in the hospital this morning after taking a severe beating by my dominatrix last night.
Choosing "mower" as my safe word was a fucking bad choice.
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I was thrilled when a beautiful woman came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised I work at a dried fruit stand.
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BBC News: Some scientists have warned that, once computers become intelligent, they will surpass mankind and render us obsolete, in a Terminator-type situation.
I reckon that, thanks to the internet, once computers become as intelligent as us they'll just spend all day watching cat videos on YouTube.
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"Mum, I've got a terrible sore throat, "
"You're very lucky, I remember having a terrible sore throat 20 years ago, "
"Why? Did they not have any decent antibiotics then? "
"Oh yes, it's just that you should have been a blow job. "
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"Son, you'll be a bachelor boy, and that's the way you will stay,
Because marrying ten-year-old boys is against the law in this country, you sick pervert.
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I saw a bunch of Ukranians gathered outside the Russian Embassy today.
They were yelling, "Putin, withdraw! Putin, withdraw!"
I'm not sure if it was a protest or some kind of sex education seminar.
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I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realise I'm not even an actor.
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Liverpool is a tough city.
When my wife was out shopping she had her bag stolen.
I'm still trying to understand why someone would steal a colostomy bag.
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Have you heard that Errol Brown left the band Hot Chocolate to pursue his passion of cookery?
Really?
Yeah. It started with a quiche.
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This morning I went to a meeting for my Premature Ejaculation support group.
Turns out that it's tomorrow.
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If Jesus suffered for our sins so we didn't have to, then why is there Syphillis?
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I had a big row with my Irish mate over the correct pronunciation of Irish names. I walked away in the end.
I didn't want to make a Sean.
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What's six-inches long with no hair on it and buried in a garden in Yorkshire?
Jimmy Savile's hard-drive.
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How does Stephen Hawking have anal sex?
Enter. Backspace. Enter. Backspace. Enter. Backspace.
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I had my lifeguard job interview and I was asked what my strengths were.
So I took a deep breath.
Held it for ten minutes, and they hired me.
I've just detected some bad vibes coming from the airing cupboard
I think I've got irritable towel syndrome.
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The first rule of UKIP club is that it's probably best not to actually talk about anything.
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You can say what you like about Harold Shipman, but he never lost a patient to Hypothermia.
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The plural of Star Trek fans is Virgins.
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BBC News: A woman was arrested after being caught masturbating during a screening of 50 Shades of Grey at a cinema in Mexico.
Somehow I don't think being manhandled and handcuffed by men in uniform was a suitable punishment in this case.
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I want to move to smithereens.
Everyone keeps getting blown there.
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Have you heard that Errol Brown left the band Hot Chocolate to become a ski instructor?
Really?
Yeah. It started with the Swiss.
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I remember how controversial The Young Ones was on the BBC.
Which is ironic, since most of the young ones at the BBC were being forced to suck presenters' cocks and nobody batted a fucking eyelid for decades.
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What's huge, with four-wheel drive and no child seats?
Every car in the "Parent & Child" spaces at Tesco.
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"We can't afford a private number plate."
"No but we can afford the deed poll." replied KF56 AWP
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A Englishman, a Welshman and an American are climbing a mountain and are arguing about who loves their country the most.
The Welshman insists that he is the most patriotic and so he yells, "This is for Wales!" and jumps off the mountain.
Not to be out done, the Englishman professes his love for his country. He yells "This is for England!" and pushed the American off the mountain.
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My Internet Provider doesn't allow me to download songs for free so I rang them to complain.
Problem so I recorded the 16 songs they played while I was on hold.
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Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.
That's how I remember my mates from Journalism School.
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Normal porn dvd;
Plumber walks in, goes over to a woman in lingerie, has sex with her for an hour.
American porn;
Plumber walks in, buffed up, flexes muscles, has sex for 5 mins, with fake penis,
British porn dvd;
Woman waits for plumber...
...still waiting an hour later.
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A man was sent to prison, and was greeted by his new cell mate.
"Hello, little bitch, you're mine now. I hope you like the taste of cock."
"I love it, I'm doing life for cannibalism."
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BBC News: Two more Russian bombers were spotted off the coast of Cornwall last week and are said to be testing UK reaction times.
"I don't think we need to dignify it with a response." said David Cameron
In Barbados.
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I don't think I'm cut out to be a Social Worker.
Yesterday I visited an unmarried mother with a drug and alcohol problem and all I could think was, Jesus, someone must have been pissed to shag you.
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I'm pretty sure the biggest lie told on the internet is LOL.
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I don't see what all the fuss is about people wanting to join ISIS.
Personally I think they're a good way of saving money for the future.
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I see that software legend Photoshop turned 25 this week.
Actually, it's turning 38.
It just looks 25.
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They say one is the loneliest number, they're wrong.
My phone number is the loneliest number.
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I'm not saying my ex is ugly but she went for falconry lessons once and the guy made her wear a hood.
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Bassetts has rejected my suggestion for a lower calorie sweet range.
So, sadly, you won't be seeing Premature Jelly Babies on your shelves any time soon.
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This is a prosthetic joke.
Looks realistic doesn't it?
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The first rule of deaf club is:
Nyou nu not nalk amout nef glub !
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I've never done well with the ladies.
I once met a woman who was a nymphomaniac and bi-sexual.
Apparently, I wasn't her type.