If this drought goes on any longer we're going to run out of umbrellas.
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Porn has ruined my life.
My boiler has gone and I'm scared to call the plumber.
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This random guy came up to me in the street and said, "Hey, brother from another mother!"
It was charming but, nevertheless, a cruel way to find out that I'm adopted.
=====
I arrived at my date's house and she came out with her arms folded.
"I'm not riding with you on that thing."
"Come on! Hop on we'll arrive at the pub in style!"
"You're crazy."
"It's a classic from the 1970s!"
"Fuck off, it's a Space Hopper."
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I've heard some woman collapsed and died trying to finish a marathon....
I'm guessing she must have had a peanut allergy.
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I may be a schizophrenic.
But at least I have each other.
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JK Rowling: "Hitler was the inspiration for Voldemort."
Lord Voldemort is described as being tall, dark and handsome when younger. He later turns into a hairless, skeletally thin monster with chalk-white skin and no nose, who is chasing after a boy.
That's not Hitler. That's Michael Jackson.
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Soooooo let me see if I got this right.
A 747 can carry a space shuttle on its roof, and yet they charge for overweight baggage?
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A woman goes to the doctors complaining about her partner.
"I just keep thinking he's only with me because I'm gullible and stupid" she sobbed "Could there be something mentally wrong with me?"
"I'm sorry Miss Jones" said the doctor, taking off his glasses.
"I'm going to have to take a look at your vagina."
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Couple in Nandos were having huge argument.
I wouldn't normally take sides but they were distracted and those piri chips looked tooo good!
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I swear, if my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.
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Mother: "I wish you'd stop throwing your socks onto the floor".
Son: "Why? What's the problem"?
"They keep breaking and the sharp edges cut my fingers"
=====
I got myself a nice pair of speakers today.
I love stealing from the debating society.
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My blonde wife came home this afternoon in floods of tears, saying that she'd failed her driving test again.
"But that's the fourth time now!" I said "It's getting ridiculous. Did you offer them a blowjob, like I said?"
"Yeah, I did," she said tearfully, "But she still wouldn't pass me."
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I hit a real screamer at the park yesterday.
It's her own fault though, I warned her to be quiet.
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The family of the runner who died in the London marathon have said, "She was an inspiration."
She's certainly inspired me.
Not to run a fucking marathon.
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Found my wifes secret sex toy under the bed today.
His name's Bob, and he's pleading for me to release him.
=====
I won a lifetime supply of free condoms from durex today.
1 box.
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The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round all day long.
A cheerful way of telling your passengers that the brakes aren't working.
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Courtney Love has recently accused Dave Grohl of trying to seduce her teenage daughter Frances Bean, stating she wants to shoot him dead as revenge.
Careful Courtney, anyone might think that you are capable of murder.
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Under a bridge, harassing goats.
That's how I troll.
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"Someone above is helping us to title" - Yaya Toure
Yeah, I think you'll find that's United, Yaya.
I had a trial for Man Utd but because of a red card in my first match they didn't sign me.
Fergie said I shouldn't have given it to Giggs.
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I've got 99 problems - And they're both that I over exaggerate.
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SKY News: Derek Acorah headbutted in the face.
Police are looking for a man of medium height
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I wonder if Culture Minister Jeremy Hunt's middle name is Zak.
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Adam and Eve didn't know how lucky they were not having to put up with ghosts.
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Has there been a film made that Sean Bean actually makes it to the end of?
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When it comes to women I have zero luck.
I only seem to meet thirsty women who want to go home for a coffee.
=====
My cock is so long that my girlfriend and I have a long distance relationship.
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I'm a schizophrenic with alhzeimer's and I keep hearing this voice on my head saying "Why don't you remember me?"
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I got talking to an old man the other day.
"I used to make a decent living from the mines" he said, "until that bitch came along and ruined everything."
"Who, Mrs Thatcher?"
"No, Princess Diana."
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Real Radio: Merseyside Police have said that locals are key to stopping gun crime.
Yes. If they just stop fucking shooting each other
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I'm so fed up with these emails: "Buy these pills for a 9" penis".
If I wanted a 9" cock I would go stand outside in the cold.
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100% of Welsh male virgins are allergic to wool.
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My dad always said he would see me alright if he ever won the lottery.
Well he won two million last week and kept true to his word.
He had laser eye surgery.
=====
All of my schizophrenic wife's personalities hate me.
Apart from Brian, but he's gay.
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The Wife kicked me out yesterday and I had nowhere to go. My mates said I should try Squatting.
Well, I've had three shits, but I'm still homeless.
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People say that marijuana is good for you because it's natural, but they don't realise that just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe.
Want to know what else is natural?
Bears.
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The wife said last night, "Can we do some role play?"
I said, "Yeah. What do you suggest?"
She said, "Fireman to the rescue."
I wish she'd hurry the fuck up, I've been stuck up this tree dressed as a cat for twelve hours now!
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A football lost by a Japanese teenager in last years tsunami has been found by walkers on a beach in Alaska,
The boy has now asked the same people to keep an eye out for his sister.
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My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
=====
If you see a cinema in Soho which claims to be showing Free Willy, don't go in.
It's not a cinema.
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If size didn't matter, it would be the baby carrots in my girlfriend's fridge that taste like pussy, not the cucumbers.
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Katie Price came into my talent agency this morning and said, "I'm fed up of always doing the same boring old stuff, I want something that will really stretch me."
"Have you tried a marrow?"
=====
So if there's a stairway to heaven who does god expect disabled people to get there?
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I got a text from my wife.
"I'm hot sexy & horny and waiting for you x"
I texted back "How the fuck did you get my wife's phone?"