Threw away my new iPhone6 today.
Fucking thing came back.
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What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
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When I was growing up, selfies were accidental Polaroids of our thumbs.
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Just logged onto my Tesco online bank account.
I'm the richest man in the world!
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My mate announced he's getting married.
So naturally I asked him what he wanted as a celebration present and he said 'any Apple product would be great.'
2 tins of cider it is!
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It's our 'health a safety officers' night out tonight.
We're going to paint the town in a hypoallergenic red paint, but only to a height of 2 metres, therefore eliminating the need for anyone to climb unsafely or overstretch themselves.
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Everybody wants everything for free in life.
An ancient and wise philosophy.
At least until U2 came and ruined it.
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What do you call a very annoying salesman?
Nothing, he'll call you.
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Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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God.
The only person with a lower book turnover rate than George R. R. Martin
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My friend says I read too much into things.
I think he's planning to kill me.
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My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents.
So I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture, on the way to yours."
"Oh dear," she sighed. "That is a shame, I thought you had a real one this time."
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Just finished painting my bedroom in under ten minutes using vinyl.
Surely that's some kind of record.
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What costs brass and sounds like trumpet?
Strumpet.
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I've been trying to convince Tesco that I've got £250 million on my clubcard, but they're not having it.
Typical!
One rule for them, one rule for the rest of us.
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Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked, it'd get mugged
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BBC News: Alton Towers have started giving blind visitors a hand-held device that describes the attractions they are 'seeing'.
It's an iPod that keeps repeating, "You're in a queue of 400 people."
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It's getting closer to Christmas shopping time so I've started my plan to end having to put up with fucking Christmas songs playing in every shop. With Cliff Richard songs already out of the way, shopping will be almost a pleasure this year.
So, I went down to the police station and told them Roy Wood & Noddy Holder gang banged me in the 1970's.
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Tesco.
First they used horses' arse in the burgers, now they've made a dogs arse of their accounts.
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Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Neither, it's my new iPhone.
I've just been playing Minecraft - The Margaret Thatcher Edition.
It's shit.
All the mines have been closed down.
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Anyone else find it ironic that The Carphone Warehouse sells you a phone you can't legally use in your car?
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"I had to pay my neighbour a thousand pounds to keep quiet."
"Wow, what did they find out?"
"Nothing, they're just really annoying."
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What Manchester United need is OJ Simpsons defence team.
That's not a clever play on the word defence, I genuinely think they must be better footballers.
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Following the leaking of nude photo's of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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I've got 99 problems.
The ice cream van is out of flakes and raspberry sauce.
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So Tesco have reported that their revenue is £250 million down on expectations.
Easter eggs at Christmas.
Halloween gear at Easter.
Fireworks in June.
Christmas decorations at Halloween.
Yeah, no idea what the problem is.
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Bruce Springsteen turned 65 years old this week.
Now when he's dancing in the dark, it's because of cataracts.
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"My wife was killed by a spider last year."
"Bloody hell. What kind? Tarantula or Black Widow?"
"Alfa Romeo."
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BBC News: Four men in Balaclavas have been filmed running up one of Glasgow's busiest streets with rucksacks and axes after raiding one of the City's upmarket shops.
Staff in Poundland are said to be shaken badly by the incident.
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My first day as an origami teacher was almost a disaster since I forgot to bring my craft papers.
Luckily I had my new iPhone 6 Plus on me.
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Life is about changing perspectives and priorities:
I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don't care if they both are.
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It's certainly been a bad week for fruit.
Blackberry's handset sales are down even further, Jason Orange leaves Take That, Apple's latest iPhone update goes pear shaped,
and a giant plum forgets part of his speech at the Labour Party Conference.
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I like making cashiers think I'm rich by saying "keep the change".
Then I walk out arrogantly with my chewing gum.
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I love eating Wotsits crisps,
but I hate having hands like I've wanked off a tramp.
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My 17 year old son has passed his driving test recently and informed me that he thought I should buy him a brand new BMW convertible just so he 'can be noticed around the neighbourhood'.
We reached a compromise and he's driving around in a 10 year old Fiat Punto, dressed as a gorilla.
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A few nights after my mate had forked out a bundle on the best prostitute in town, I asked him "Was it worth it?"
"Phwoar - worth every penny mate. Before I'd even made a request she'd dropped her pants and we had anal sex, no questions asked.
After a good fifteen minutes she turned around and gave me the best blow job of my life.
Afterwards I was so grateful, I sucked her off and all."
"What? She wasn't one of those he-shes, was she?"
"Nah, nothing sick like that. She'd prolapsed."