I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.
Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.
He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."
"No problem." I smiled.
He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."
"I know, it's a chimney."
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I said to my wife, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son."
She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural."
"Fucking natural! She was feeding him Quavers!"
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My mum sat me down and said, "Son, I have something pretty important to tell you, you know your biology teacher..."
I interrupted, "Yeah, you're fucking him."
She asked, "How did you know?"
"Because the sex education tape he uses was filmed in our living room."
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'Washing machines live longer with Calgon'
Next doors annoying bastard dog didn't though.
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What's got 4 fingers and drives my ex to orgasm?
A kit kat.
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I was standing at the edge of the dance floor in a nightclub last night.
Next thing this really hot chick starts gyrating in front of me so I thought I'll chat this up "Hi! You are so sexy, I've never been so upfront before but I'd love you to come back to mine for sex"
She replied "I like your style, if you can promise me 12 inches it's a deal"
"Can you take it in 4 equal instalments?"
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You Tolkein to me?! - Hobbit de Niro
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How do you survive an Irish vampire?
Repel him with Gaelic.
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My neighbour knocked on my door today and said, "I've just come back from holiday and everything in my bedside drawer has disappeared. There's no sign of a break in and you're the only person with a spare key."
"So you automatically think it was me?" I asked.
"Yes." she replied, "I know it was you."
"And what makes you so sure?"
"You're holding my fucking dildo!"
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The police have been talking to the Sun, who will print the truth about why Chris Kirkland deserved what he got at Hillsborough.
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Has anyone questioned Rolf Harris about those two little boys yet?
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So Europe won The Nobel Peace Prize.
Fuck knows why.
When I hear The Final Countdown, it makes me want to kill somebody.
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I'm not saying my ex is ugly, but I used to always sit on my hand first before fingering her.
Just so it feels like someone else was doing it.
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"Fancy a shag?"
Is not the best way to welcome customers to Carpetright.
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Apparently Jimmy Savile once applied for the England job in the 90's, but was turned down for wanting to put Seamen in the under 16's.
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Nine out of ten voices in my head say I'm not crazy.
The other one is humming the Tetris theme.
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Do people who call radio stations to request a song know about the internet?
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BBC News: Jordan 'uncovers al-Qaeda plot'
Wonder who she had to shag to gain that information.
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Violence is never the answer.
Unless the bastard fucking cabinet door won't stay closed.
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When my wife was pregnant she was worried I was too childish to be a dad.
I think I've proved her wrong with my cot made from Lego.
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I was telling my mate how I had a date with an epileptic girl last night.
"Fit?" he asked.
"Yeah, twice".
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I dont think i will sponsor a paedophile this year.
Or buy a tv licence as some people call it.
I was chatting up this really fit blonde at the pub when she coughed and said her throat was sore. So I asked her, "That sounds terrible, Is it hard for you to swallow?"
"Not really." she replied, "Especially if I really like the guy."
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BBC News: The BBC have announced that they will no longer be making Bob The Builder.
A spokeman said that they can no longer trust any children's TV star who claims to be able to fix it.
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People who say ketamine should never be used as a recreational drug need to get the fuck off their high horse.
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To all of the women that claim men lack imagination and creativity.
You've obviously never seen a man when he loses his bottle opener.
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Did you know that if you say 'bloody mary' three times in the mirror at midnight, your mum will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.
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The 14th rule, section j, subsection 8.2 paragraph 4, of the golf club is:
Make the rules really difficult to find.
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I heard on the radio that porn can have a negative affect on sex in relationships.
Too fucking true, my girlfriend watched some last night, and now she knows she can also have it up her vagina.
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What the fuck's this?" I asked when I opened my birthday present.
"It's an electric toothbrush," she replied, "That is what you were trying to tell me you wanted, isn't it?"
"Well.... Sort of," I said, "Thanks love."
Clearly my blowjob mime needs working on.
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The train journey through China was long and boring, so me and my mates started playing 'I Spy'.
On a related note, Chinese prisons are horrific.
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Now I'm not saying I'm poor, but yesterday I bit the chocolate outer part off a Crunchie and sent the rest to Cash4Gold.
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I can't believe the fuss people are making about me having sex with a 5 year old.
In her years, she's 35.
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I was thrown out of my local swimming pool for pissing in it.
"How did you know I was pissing?" I asked the lifeguard.
"The shallow end only goes up to your knees."
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The doctor put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night!
Doesn't matter what position we are in, nothing wakes her.
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Skyfall comes out at cinemas today, and it's tipped to be the most realistic Bond film yet.
I can't wait to see the scene where he's found inside a holdall in his bathroom.
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Some of the stories emerging about sex offenders at the BBC in the wake of the Jimmy Savile scandal are unbelievable.
Apparently neither of the Chuckle Brothers is a paedophile!
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There's a lot of people in my local KFC with the name badge 'Trainee.'
I'm guessing its a popular name in Poland then.
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My ex-wife, who lives alone, phoned me in the early hours of the morning a couple of weeks ago.
"Joe, it's me! A bloke is smashing my back door in!"
"You fucking hussy, you'd never even give me a blow job!" I screamed, slamming the phone down.
I think she got the message, i've heard nothing from her since.
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Apperantly the iphone 5 has a new safety device.
If you ask it a question in a scouse accent, it automatically activates the gps and phones the police.
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I for one am fully behind a campaign to teach kids about porn because sex education is outdated.
Purely because I'd love to hear a teacher say " don't pull out mid blowjob and slap it against her cheek numerous times, no one really does this and its not actually enjoyable for either party"
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BBC News: Police have tasered a man driving a tank into the science museum in London.
The man, a Mr S. Hawkins, is said to be in a stable condition but is, as yet, unable to walk or talk properly.
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My dog's got no nose.
Or a tail, or an ear.
I can't be trusted with animals.
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A man phoned his mate and asked him if he could stay at his for a while.
"What did you do this time?"
"Shagged the wife's best friend."
"No way," he laughed, "you'll be back in a week, I'd say."
"Not this time, she fucking loves that dog."
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I was taking a piss in the bush last night when I thought, "My wife's really let herself go".
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It's been seven hours and fifteen days since my wife left me due to my Sinaed O'Conner obsession.