Why did Kate, Will and George cross the road?
Fuck knows, but the Daily Mail have dedicated their first 30 pages to it.
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The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Give a British politician a fish and he will hire a fishing boat and crew plus a lobster chef and order a bottle of Veuve Clicquot La Grande Dame with the intention of claiming it on his expenses.
Wankers.
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BBC News: Detroit is bankrupt and the unpaid police officers are considering going on strike.
In other news OCP have built a robot police officer.
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I pushed a cracker through the bars of the cage and said, "Who's a pretty boy?"
"I want my mummy", he sobbed.
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A wise man once said,"Have some frankincense Jesus."
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At the touch of her lips it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly at it. Finally, with one last stroke, it was done.
Best balloon giraffe, ever.
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My car broke down outside a massage parlour on Monday.
And again tomorrow.
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BBC News: The Church of England is going to take on Wonga.
The pay day loan versus the prey day loan.
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All this rioting over a flag is ridiculous. I think they should make a flag that is fair for all sides, one side green for the Catholics and one side orange for the protestants/unionists and a white stripe of white in the center to symbolize the peace between the sides.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
But teach a man to fish, and he will bore you to fucking death with fishing stories.
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The estimated cost of raising the impending Royal baby up to the age of 18 will cost the taxpayer around 3.6 million pounds.
Making the birth pay per view would have easily covered that.
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Give a Vegan a fish.
And laugh at him.
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Of course pop up banners, we would love to click on you for a chance to win a free iPod.
As much as we like wondering if our parents ever did anal.
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A feminist recently told me that men only use women for sex.
Not if she's rich.
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Heard my old neighbour moaning and groaning for
hours last night thought the old bird had been and pulled.
Turns out she had fallen down stairs and broke her hip.
Feel a bit guilty about the wank now.
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All this talk about the royal baby is bringing back some bad memories for me.
Last time I was third in line for the throne I shat myself in Pizza Hut.
So Kate and William are a normal couple then eh?
Should be fun watching her breastfeed and stuff herself with a McDonald's while fighting to keep the pram under control at the same time.
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I used to run a brothel that specialised in exotic animals.
Then the bottom fell out of the meerkat.
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I ordered a leather sofa off the Ikea website last week.
They sent me a dead cow, some wood, nails, a knife and some instructions on how to skin it.
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I went on a blind date last night.
"What qualities do you like in a bloke then?" I asked.
"I like men who are honest." she replied, "What about you?"
"I like women who can give good blow jobs."
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My wife is going away for a weekend's session with her gorgeous personal trainer.
I find this very worrying.
Why do I refer to him as gorgeous?
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Prince George is the newest addition to the royal family.
The baby is described as having his mother's eyes and the rest of the family's reliance on handouts.
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I started my new job as a Boom operator on a porn movie set today.
Initially I thought it would be fun, but trying to hold the pole with one hand is a lot more difficult than you imagine.
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Because is a word to the why's.
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A new restaurant has opened in town, it serves Chinese-German fusion.
The food tastes great, but an hour later you're hungry for power.
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Having consulted the Equal Opportunities Employment Act, I am starting a new job today , selling sea-shells on the seashore.
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My wife says I'm a pathological liar
Which is ridiculous because I don't have a wife.
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So, David Moyes has asked Wayne Rooney to hand in a written transfer request.
Thats the end of that then.
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Hugh Jackman said in an interview that he sometimes wears his Wolverine costume in the bedroom.
I tried that one time and slashed my foreskin to shreds.
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What do you call an Arsenal player holding a trophy?
Female.
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I've written twelve books on superstitions.
With the same pen.
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Maybe the Government would be better to introduce an 'opt-in' system for those weirdos who want to use the Internet to access non-pornographic material.
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So, "Big Brother" is now in it's 13th season.
It seems like just yesterday I didn't watch the first 12 seasons.
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My dad always told me that if I ever masturbated I would go blind.
So I used to do it every day, hoping I would get a dog that I always wanted.
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I remember the last thing my father said to me.
"See you later".
About twenty minutes ago.
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I bought a book on addictions yesterday.
I've read it fifteen times already.
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When priests ask themselves, "what would Jesus do?"
The answer is never, "the one that's over eighteen."
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BBC News: "Spain crash driver faces probe"
Poor guy, he's just been in a massive train wreck and now they want to stick things up his arse.
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It's great to see the Royal Baby has finally been named.
Buying his clothes from Asda will save so much time putting name labels on all his school clothing.
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Make sure you pay your church loan back on time.
They will crucify you with interest if you don't.
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After making love my girlfriend I rolled over, threw the condom over my shoulder and cuddled up beside her.
She said, "Shut the window, the rain is getting on me"
I said, "It's not raining"
She said, "Well what is it then?"
I said, "The condom's stuck to the ceiling fan"
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I always have bad luck with women because I tend to put them on a pedestal.
Mainly so I can look up their skirts.
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Newly born Prince George is third in line for the throne.
To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line."
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My girlfriend thinks I've got a serious wanking problem.
And I think she should get back to pedalling the tandem.