I went to a restaurant for bulimics yesterday.
The place was heaving.
=====
Whats got 2 legs, bleeds and comfortably accommodates my penis?
Half a puppy.
=====
I walked up to a girl and asked "Do you know the difference between a cock and a chicken drumstick?"
"No." she replied.
"Do you want to go on a picnic?"
======
"Shotgun!" I called, smugly, as we walked towards the car.
"No, get in the back."
"But I called shotgun!" I protested.
"Sir, I've had a long day, just get in the back of the police car."
======
BBC News: "Amy Winehouse's blood toxicity report comes back clear"
So it's the same colour as vodka, Bacardi, and tequilla.
=====
Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest.
The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
"One of my choirboys is an epileptic."
=====
My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.
"What are you doing?" She asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" She asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for you mother coming home."
=====
Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.
=====
When life gives you lemons, make abstract lemon art.
Life won't expect that.
=====
Amy Winehouse family say that Winehouse was clean from drugs for 3 years.
If thats true then I didn't masturbate this morning.....or yesterday......or 5 times the day before that.
=====
My Chinese ex-girlfriend always took the piss out of my dream to be a Sinatra impersonator.
Well now I'm doing it... and getting paid.
So if you're reading this, fuck you, I did it Mei Wai.
=====
Jesus walked on water- Ice is 100 % water. I can walk on ice therefore I'm 100% Jesus.
=====
Life begins when you get one.
=====
BBC News - "New Smartphone to be powered by walking."
Damn! One letter away from being the best fucking phone in the world!
=====
BBC News: Gaddafi on the run with 20 billion dollars.
How big is his fucking suitcase?
=====
At 11:59pm Cinderella should have said to the prince "I bet you a million quid I can turn that carriage into a pumpkin."
=====
BBC News: Adele has been diagnosed with a deadly flesh-eating disease.
Doctors say she only has 68 years to live.
=====
My mother recently re-married and my step-dad said to me the other day, "I want you to treat me like I'm your real dad"
So I punched him and screamed "Where the fuck have you been for the last twenty years?"
=====
After 10 years of dating my gorlfriend, I found the clitoris.
Who'd have thought it would be on her sister?
=====
I just heard that scientists have discovered that ecstacy could cure cancer.
Well done science. Now just prove that cocaine cures a cold, alcohol improves driving ability and Rohypnol is a just a harmless natural aphrodisiac that helps women make great decisions.
That would be great and should get me out of prison.
=====
I came home from work to find my wife knelt on the bedroom floor, crying her eyes out.
"You bastard", she yelled, "Why did you marry me if what you're really into is African women? I've found hundreds of your DVD's".
I then saw she'd uncovered a big box of my porn.
"You silly sausage. I'm not into African women", I replied.
"Those are just 1 section of the "A's".
=====
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on Current Indian Test Cricketers.
The librarian says "Sorry they're all out at the moment."
=====
BBC News: "Amy Winehouse's blood toxicity report comes back clear"
I thought blood was meant to be red.
=====
Is it a coincidence that an anagram of "national rail timetables" is "all trains aim to be late in"?
=====
Large crystal ball for sale.
£40, but you will knock me down to £35.
=====
When it was hot last week I sunbathed naked in the garden, my female neighbour reported me and I got arrested for indecent exposure.
Today I spotted her sunbathing naked in her garden, so seeing a chance for revenge, I called the police.
Now I've been arrested for being a peeping tom.
=====
"Did you see that flash?" I asked my wife,
"No," she said, as I quickly opened the curtain.
"AAARH!" I yelled as I saw a face blankly staring back at me. I closed the curtain as fast as I could.
Another flash.
"Did you see that one?" I asked my wife urgently.
"Yes dear, I saw that one," she said.
I opened the curtain again. "AAARGH! The face again!" I yelled. "He looks angry now!"
"I'm not surprised," said my wife. "Will you just let the man have his passport photo taken."
=====
My wife phoned me from the retail park.
"I can't remember where I parked the car!" she said.
"Don't panic love, just look round for a small gathering of men slowly shaking their heads and tutting."
=====
I knocked on my next door neighbours door earlier and handed him a huge bag of dog shit from my garden.
I said, "There you go mate, that's £50 please."
"What's this?" He asked.
"Your missing cat."
=====
I think churches would be much nicer places to visit if they didn't always build them in graveyards.
=====
A girl in a club said to me, "Did you know that you can tell the colour of someone's pubes by the colour of their eyebrows?"
"I think I've heard that, yeah."
"And I've got no eyebrows, so what does that tell you?"
"Judging by the rest of your face, I guess it tells me you've been in a fire."
=====
What's the best thing about being Ginger?
You know you weren't adopted.
=====
I saw a chameleon today.
I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.
The place was heaving.
=====
Whats got 2 legs, bleeds and comfortably accommodates my penis?
Half a puppy.
=====
I walked up to a girl and asked "Do you know the difference between a cock and a chicken drumstick?"
"No." she replied.
"Do you want to go on a picnic?"
======
"Shotgun!" I called, smugly, as we walked towards the car.
"No, get in the back."
"But I called shotgun!" I protested.
"Sir, I've had a long day, just get in the back of the police car."
======
BBC News: "Amy Winehouse's blood toxicity report comes back clear"
So it's the same colour as vodka, Bacardi, and tequilla.
=====
Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest.
The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
"One of my choirboys is an epileptic."
=====
My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.
"What are you doing?" She asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" She asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for you mother coming home."
=====
Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.
=====
When life gives you lemons, make abstract lemon art.
Life won't expect that.
=====
Amy Winehouse family say that Winehouse was clean from drugs for 3 years.
If thats true then I didn't masturbate this morning.....or yesterday......or 5 times the day before that.
=====
My Chinese ex-girlfriend always took the piss out of my dream to be a Sinatra impersonator.
Well now I'm doing it... and getting paid.
So if you're reading this, fuck you, I did it Mei Wai.
=====
Jesus walked on water- Ice is 100 % water. I can walk on ice therefore I'm 100% Jesus.
=====
Life begins when you get one.
=====
BBC News - "New Smartphone to be powered by walking."
Damn! One letter away from being the best fucking phone in the world!
=====
BBC News: Gaddafi on the run with 20 billion dollars.
How big is his fucking suitcase?
=====
At 11:59pm Cinderella should have said to the prince "I bet you a million quid I can turn that carriage into a pumpkin."
=====
BBC News: Adele has been diagnosed with a deadly flesh-eating disease.
Doctors say she only has 68 years to live.
=====
My mother recently re-married and my step-dad said to me the other day, "I want you to treat me like I'm your real dad"
So I punched him and screamed "Where the fuck have you been for the last twenty years?"
=====
After 10 years of dating my gorlfriend, I found the clitoris.
Who'd have thought it would be on her sister?
=====
I just heard that scientists have discovered that ecstacy could cure cancer.
Well done science. Now just prove that cocaine cures a cold, alcohol improves driving ability and Rohypnol is a just a harmless natural aphrodisiac that helps women make great decisions.
That would be great and should get me out of prison.
=====
I came home from work to find my wife knelt on the bedroom floor, crying her eyes out.
"You bastard", she yelled, "Why did you marry me if what you're really into is African women? I've found hundreds of your DVD's".
I then saw she'd uncovered a big box of my porn.
"You silly sausage. I'm not into African women", I replied.
"Those are just 1 section of the "A's".
=====
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on Current Indian Test Cricketers.
The librarian says "Sorry they're all out at the moment."
=====
BBC News: "Amy Winehouse's blood toxicity report comes back clear"
I thought blood was meant to be red.
=====
Is it a coincidence that an anagram of "national rail timetables" is "all trains aim to be late in"?
=====
Large crystal ball for sale.
£40, but you will knock me down to £35.
=====
When it was hot last week I sunbathed naked in the garden, my female neighbour reported me and I got arrested for indecent exposure.
Today I spotted her sunbathing naked in her garden, so seeing a chance for revenge, I called the police.
Now I've been arrested for being a peeping tom.
=====
"Did you see that flash?" I asked my wife,
"No," she said, as I quickly opened the curtain.
"AAARH!" I yelled as I saw a face blankly staring back at me. I closed the curtain as fast as I could.
Another flash.
"Did you see that one?" I asked my wife urgently.
"Yes dear, I saw that one," she said.
I opened the curtain again. "AAARGH! The face again!" I yelled. "He looks angry now!"
"I'm not surprised," said my wife. "Will you just let the man have his passport photo taken."
=====
My wife phoned me from the retail park.
"I can't remember where I parked the car!" she said.
"Don't panic love, just look round for a small gathering of men slowly shaking their heads and tutting."
=====
I knocked on my next door neighbours door earlier and handed him a huge bag of dog shit from my garden.
I said, "There you go mate, that's £50 please."
"What's this?" He asked.
"Your missing cat."
=====
I think churches would be much nicer places to visit if they didn't always build them in graveyards.
=====
A girl in a club said to me, "Did you know that you can tell the colour of someone's pubes by the colour of their eyebrows?"
"I think I've heard that, yeah."
"And I've got no eyebrows, so what does that tell you?"
"Judging by the rest of your face, I guess it tells me you've been in a fire."
=====
What's the best thing about being Ginger?
You know you weren't adopted.
=====
I saw a chameleon today.
I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.
Is it still too soon for Specsavers to use 9/11 in an advert?
=====
What's black, lives in an igloo and is shit at football?
A Heskeymo.
=====
Gaddafi once had it all and slowly watched his empire crumble,the trusted flee to opposition and now defence has collapsed...now the world is laughing at you.
Sorry, did I say Gaddafi?
I meant Wenger.
=====
I wish women would make what they want clearer?
I was on the beach and this girl asked me to do her back.
Now I'm in police custody
=====
Monster Energy: delivers twice the buzz of a regular 250ml energy drink.
I'm no expert but that's probably because it's a 500ml energy drink.
=====
A peeping tom got arrested watching my wife undress through our bedroom window last night.
Apparently even the police heard him screaming.
=====
Movie: Mission Impossible 4
Description: Tom Cruise tries for 98 minutes to see what's on top of the fridge.
=====
I don't know what my wife is complaining about.
I did a shit today that was definitely bigger than my cock and it didn't hurt that much.
=====
A Man and his wife strolling in the zoo.
As they approach the primates the Gorilla sees the wife and starts to get a hard on.
The Husband says,"Lift your skirt & tease him."
The ape goes mental.
"Now get your tits out !"
The ape goes berserk!
The Husband opened the cage and pushed his wife in.
"Now tell HIM you've got a Fuckin' headache!"
=====
I've always seen the colour red as implying some kind of urgency.
However this theory doesn't seem to apply to the Royal Mail.
=====
I guess now we can all look forward to Call of Duty Libya.
=====
I just saw some Guy wearing a "I do my own stunts" t-shirt.
So I pushed him down some stairs.
=====
Just got back from the North Pole.
On closer inspection Mum's note says my train set is in the attic.
=====
Met my sexy new neighbour yesterday and she told me she worked in the adult film industry. So far I've borrowed 6 tea bags, 1 bag of sugar, 3 pints of milk, biscuits, and unblocked her toilet.
=====
Day 3 in the big brother house, and Pavol is on the roof robbing the lead.
=====
My girlfriend say's she doesn't like my gags
Tape it is then.
=====
Ironically, the further forward you move the car seat because you're short, the taller you have to be to reach the seatbelt.
=====
My aim in life is to grow a beard so long that I can tie it to my penis and masturbate by nodding.
=====
BBC News: "Girl killed in tonic water tidal wave."
She was schwepped away.
=====
I can play piano with my eye's closed.
It sounds fucking awful though.
=====
Prince Charles met residents of Tottenham who are on state handouts with no hope of ever getting a proper job.
At least they had something in common to talk about.
=====
Tom Cruise: Hey Katie, your pussy is like a public toilet cubicle.
Katie Holmes: oh very original Tom, uncomfortable, smells bad and you never know who's been there before you?
Tom Cruise: No, I only use it when I need to hide the fact I fuck men.
=====
I was having a furious wank over Tulisa from the X Factor.
Then Louis said 'That's disgusting, either tell us what you're going to sing or fuck off:'
=====
I was at the airport yesterday and was busting for a shit, so much so that the turtles head was popping out.
Consequently I was arrested for animal trafficking and banned from keeping animals for life.
=====
My wife has left me because 'apparently' I 'quote too much.'
=====
A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up. "It's a fucking what?"
=====
Police in the Seychelles have recovered the arm of shark attack victim Ian Redmond.
It was identified by a tattoo that said "Liverpool for the league 2011/12."
In a statement the police said not even a shark would swallow that.
=====
The Internet: It doesn't make you stupid, it just makes your stupidity more accessible to others.
=====
I have no time for impatient people.
=====
The wife read a leaflet this morning and said to me, Everyone's talking like teenagers today, this says 'looking for a job init'
"No, looking for a job in IT."
=====
When my pet cat was attacked by a dog I rushed her to the vet.
He said, "This looks like it will probably scar but we can give her some plastic surgery"
I said, "Excellent! Give her some massive tits. That'll cheer me right up".
=====
Celebrity Big Brother, another excuse forms Kerry Katona not to look after her children.
=====
Now I'm not saying I wank a lot.
But my socks are so crispy they're now shoes.
=====
BBC NEWS: HP to exit PC and tablet business.
Yeah, it's probably best they stick to making sauces.
=====
In French class today, the teacher asked, "What does 'a la' mean?"
"Everything," replied Ahmed.
=====
Filming of 'World War Z' in Glasgow city centre has hit a snag.
The zombies are having a hard time fending off the locals.
=====
My girlfriend rang me and said, "Are we going to get married?"
I said, "Of course we will babe"
She said, "Then why aren't you here at the fucking church?"
=====
My wife stood in front of me modelling the new underwear that she'd ordered.
"What do you think?" she asked proudly.
"It's different in the catalogue," I answered.
"How is it different?" she scowled.
"I don't have a hard-on."
=====
As a prison officer escorted Anders Behring Breivik to the courthouse, he thought long and hard about what he had done a few weeks previously. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Now ashamed and full of regret, he had lost all of his friends and society had turned its back on him. He would always be known as "that wanker". Finally, he made a promise to himself.
As soon as he had dropped Breivik off at court he was taking his iPad back to the shop.
=====
Oh shit big brother's back again.
Said Ryan Giggs as he climbed in the wardrobe.
=====
Kate McCann came into my book shop the other day. I said, "It's horrible the way people assume that you and Gerry killed Madeleine."
She said, "Tell me something I don't know."
So I handed her a book on parenting skills and said, "It's all in there, love."
=====
I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems.
The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Hello".
At 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
=====
What's black, lives in an igloo and is shit at football?
A Heskeymo.
=====
Gaddafi once had it all and slowly watched his empire crumble,the trusted flee to opposition and now defence has collapsed...now the world is laughing at you.
Sorry, did I say Gaddafi?
I meant Wenger.
=====
I wish women would make what they want clearer?
I was on the beach and this girl asked me to do her back.
Now I'm in police custody
=====
Monster Energy: delivers twice the buzz of a regular 250ml energy drink.
I'm no expert but that's probably because it's a 500ml energy drink.
=====
A peeping tom got arrested watching my wife undress through our bedroom window last night.
Apparently even the police heard him screaming.
=====
Movie: Mission Impossible 4
Description: Tom Cruise tries for 98 minutes to see what's on top of the fridge.
=====
I don't know what my wife is complaining about.
I did a shit today that was definitely bigger than my cock and it didn't hurt that much.
=====
A Man and his wife strolling in the zoo.
As they approach the primates the Gorilla sees the wife and starts to get a hard on.
The Husband says,"Lift your skirt & tease him."
The ape goes mental.
"Now get your tits out !"
The ape goes berserk!
The Husband opened the cage and pushed his wife in.
"Now tell HIM you've got a Fuckin' headache!"
=====
I've always seen the colour red as implying some kind of urgency.
However this theory doesn't seem to apply to the Royal Mail.
=====
I guess now we can all look forward to Call of Duty Libya.
=====
I just saw some Guy wearing a "I do my own stunts" t-shirt.
So I pushed him down some stairs.
=====
Just got back from the North Pole.
On closer inspection Mum's note says my train set is in the attic.
=====
Met my sexy new neighbour yesterday and she told me she worked in the adult film industry. So far I've borrowed 6 tea bags, 1 bag of sugar, 3 pints of milk, biscuits, and unblocked her toilet.
=====
Day 3 in the big brother house, and Pavol is on the roof robbing the lead.
=====
My girlfriend say's she doesn't like my gags
Tape it is then.
=====
Ironically, the further forward you move the car seat because you're short, the taller you have to be to reach the seatbelt.
=====
My aim in life is to grow a beard so long that I can tie it to my penis and masturbate by nodding.
=====
BBC News: "Girl killed in tonic water tidal wave."
She was schwepped away.
=====
I can play piano with my eye's closed.
It sounds fucking awful though.
=====
Prince Charles met residents of Tottenham who are on state handouts with no hope of ever getting a proper job.
At least they had something in common to talk about.
=====
Tom Cruise: Hey Katie, your pussy is like a public toilet cubicle.
Katie Holmes: oh very original Tom, uncomfortable, smells bad and you never know who's been there before you?
Tom Cruise: No, I only use it when I need to hide the fact I fuck men.
=====
I was having a furious wank over Tulisa from the X Factor.
Then Louis said 'That's disgusting, either tell us what you're going to sing or fuck off:'
=====
I was at the airport yesterday and was busting for a shit, so much so that the turtles head was popping out.
Consequently I was arrested for animal trafficking and banned from keeping animals for life.
=====
My wife has left me because 'apparently' I 'quote too much.'
=====
A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up. "It's a fucking what?"
=====
Police in the Seychelles have recovered the arm of shark attack victim Ian Redmond.
It was identified by a tattoo that said "Liverpool for the league 2011/12."
In a statement the police said not even a shark would swallow that.
=====
The Internet: It doesn't make you stupid, it just makes your stupidity more accessible to others.
=====
I have no time for impatient people.
=====
The wife read a leaflet this morning and said to me, Everyone's talking like teenagers today, this says 'looking for a job init'
"No, looking for a job in IT."
=====
When my pet cat was attacked by a dog I rushed her to the vet.
He said, "This looks like it will probably scar but we can give her some plastic surgery"
I said, "Excellent! Give her some massive tits. That'll cheer me right up".
=====
Celebrity Big Brother, another excuse forms Kerry Katona not to look after her children.
=====
Now I'm not saying I wank a lot.
But my socks are so crispy they're now shoes.
=====
BBC NEWS: HP to exit PC and tablet business.
Yeah, it's probably best they stick to making sauces.
=====
In French class today, the teacher asked, "What does 'a la' mean?"
"Everything," replied Ahmed.
=====
Filming of 'World War Z' in Glasgow city centre has hit a snag.
The zombies are having a hard time fending off the locals.
=====
My girlfriend rang me and said, "Are we going to get married?"
I said, "Of course we will babe"
She said, "Then why aren't you here at the fucking church?"
=====
My wife stood in front of me modelling the new underwear that she'd ordered.
"What do you think?" she asked proudly.
"It's different in the catalogue," I answered.
"How is it different?" she scowled.
"I don't have a hard-on."
=====
As a prison officer escorted Anders Behring Breivik to the courthouse, he thought long and hard about what he had done a few weeks previously. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Now ashamed and full of regret, he had lost all of his friends and society had turned its back on him. He would always be known as "that wanker". Finally, he made a promise to himself.
As soon as he had dropped Breivik off at court he was taking his iPad back to the shop.
=====
Oh shit big brother's back again.
Said Ryan Giggs as he climbed in the wardrobe.
=====
Kate McCann came into my book shop the other day. I said, "It's horrible the way people assume that you and Gerry killed Madeleine."
She said, "Tell me something I don't know."
So I handed her a book on parenting skills and said, "It's all in there, love."
=====
I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems.
The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Hello".
At 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.