BBC News: Kate McCann has said she is finally able to forgive the person responsible for Maddie's disappearance.
Must be nice for her to be able to look in the mirror again and do her own makeup.
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Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day.
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So much for my plan to become Supreme Ruler of everything.
The universal remote I just got from Tesco's doesn't even work my telly, so no hope of it working on the cosmos.
Cheap piece of shit.
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F.A. HEARING:
Suarez: You are being unreasonable. I have a Uruguayan friend who bites me all time - its a sign of greeting and affection in our country.
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I don't know why people say wearing a pair of shades makes you look cool.
Now the lamps in my living room are bright as fuck and I'm sat here in the park looking a proper bellend.
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Luis Suarez hopes to play against Bayern Munich one day, because he'd like to try a shoulder of Lahm.
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I gave a bus seat to an old lady today.
She looked very confused, and I must admit, the prizes are getting stranger every week at the bingo hall.
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I found a mouse in my son's room, but I managed to stamp it to death.
I would've been quicker if there hadn't been a cage around it.
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I was at my father's bedside as he passed away, after years of suffering from hereditary alzheimers.
I'll never remember his last words to me.
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Apparently, people with lower IQ's have more friends.
So, next time you see someone on Facebook with 5000 friends, don't forget to ask them if they need watering.
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My toddler son gave me quite a nasty bite on the arm today, but do I get an apology on twitter?
Do I fuck.
Once again, it's one rule for overpaid premiership footballers and another for deadbeat dads.
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The recent arrest of Rolf Harris has came as a shock for many people in the UK.
I for one was particularly disgusted as I've been regularly eating at his KFC restaurants for years.
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"Are we going to have sex or what?"
"But we've literally just met." she replied.
I'm not very good at speed dating.
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In the three months since he turned 40, my mate's been living each day like it's his last.
That's why he's laying in bed stinking of piss and shit.
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Kate McCann did the London marathon in under 4 hours.
Great effort Kate, but you can't run away from yourself.
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"Are we there yet?"
"Are we there yet?"
"Are we there yet?"
"Are we there yet?"
"For fuck's sake! You really don't know where my clitoris is, do you?"
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It's great that the horse meat scandal is over, now we can all eat lasagne secure in the knowledge that the anus, lips and eyelids, we find in it, definitely came from a cow.
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If I'm looking at someone and they yawn, I yawn as well.
And accept that I'm terrible at sex.
When the USA said they invaded Iraq because Saddam had Weapons of Mass Destruction, I didn't realise they meant he had a pressure cooker.
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Last night I was in the dog house again.
Then the wife walked in on us and all hell broke loose.
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The Boston police have finally given the critically injured bomber his Miranda rights, although I think he'll have more on his mind than watching a blokeish British comedienne.
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JLS are splitting up!?
Good.
I always thought their sofas were shit.
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I love yoghurt.
It's everything my ex-girlfriend isn't.
Sweet, fat free, and all over my cock right now.
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I just 'fraped' my girlfriend's Facebook page.
She's Catholic, so she can't delete it.
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Just bought a pond full of carp from eBay for £100.
Turns out the seller was dyslexic.
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If Jack Reacher buys everyone a drink does that make it a Jack Reacher round?
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I keep reading how much money the country is wasting on failed deportation attempts for the radical Muslim cleric Abu Qatada.
Wouldn't it be more satisfying and cheaper just to kick him in the balls?
Several times.
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I've been listening to a Podcast for the last 45 minutes.
Some people say it's the communication of the future, but frankly I never want to hear another fucking whale in my life.
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"I feel like I'm always taking one step up and two steps backwards." said the tearful girl on the Samaritans phone line.
"Take a good look around you. You're probably on the wrong escalator."
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You can't blame Abu Qatada for not wanting to go back to Jordan.
She's a right old dog.
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If my life were an aircraft journey , they'd still be searching for the black box.
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I've done farts which lingered longer than JLS.
And they probably sounded a lot better too.
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Forty people have miraculously been found alive in the Dhaka clothing factory 24 hours after it collapsed.
Primark are to dock them a days pay.
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I've just met the Pet Shop Boys.
Nice blokes, but they haven't got a clue what dog is suitable for a little flat.
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I love the metric system.
It's the best by an absolute 1.6093km.
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Just been looking through the old CDs at the back of my cupboard.
At the bottom was one called "The Only Jazz Album You'll Ever Need".
They were fucking right.
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Conjunctivitis.com
Now there's a site for sore eyes.
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My room looks like a bomb has hit it.
There are dead bodies everywhere.