Never throw a ball of wool at two people fencing.
Unless you want to end up with a lovely knitted cardigan.
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How stupid do I feel?
I've just found out that a crèche isn't a motor accident involving posh people.
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Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.
When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.
"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."
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So, Alex Ferguson said in his autobiography that David Beckham had to leave old Trafford because Beckham thought he was bigger than
the club.
Give it a couple of years under Moyes and the tea lady will be bigger than the club.
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I have a fit every time I see a Scotch Bonnet.
I think I'm pepperleptic.
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As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.
"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.
"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."
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What if Google was deleted one day and we couldn't Google 'What happened to Google?'
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Blonde1- hey can I have some of your shampoo?
Blonde2- yeah, why not use yours?
Blonde1- mine is for dry hair and I got it wet already.
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'Horny girls in your area want to have sex with you now'
Of course they do, I live in Essex.
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BBC News: A blonde child was reunited with her gypsy parents after a DNA test confirmed that she actually was a theirs.
When she stole the DNA testing kit.
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"I'm going to fuck you over!' means two completely different things, depending on whether you're talking face to face...or on a
walkie-talkie.
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I bought Alex Ferguson's autobiography the other day.
When I thought I'd got to the end, six more pages appeared.
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Just found out that 'Aaarrrrggghhh' is not a real word.
I can't even tell you how angry I am!
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"How big would you say your penis was when you were 12?"
"Eight inches."
"You had an eight inch penis when you were 12?"
"No, that's how big I would say it was."
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'Single mums in your area are desperate to meet you now'.
Fucking too right they are, I'm a benefits advisor.
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My wife recently told me whenever we have sex she closes her eyes and pretends I'm Johnny Depp.
So this morning I fingered her with a pair of scissors.
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I went to a group therapy session today.
The woman who was running the group said,
"On the count of three, everyone share a secret about themselves."
"One...."
"I can't count," I shouted.
People say that the only man made structure that can be seen while orbiting the earth is The Great Wall Of China.
And, ideally, some sort of spacecraft.
Around you.
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The website 'Love Food Hate Waste' advises that limp biscuits can be revived by putting them in the oven on a low heat for a few
minutes.
Given the price of gas nowadays, it'd be cheaper to just buy another packet of biscuits.
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I stole my nan's wedding ring today and took it to the local pawn brokers only to be told that it wasn't real.
How much of a twat is my grandad?
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There could be literally a thousand chameleons in your house right now and you wouldn't even know it.
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Thought of the day: There could be thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you wouldn't even know it.
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Just to spite British Gas, if I die of hypothermia this winter I've arranged to be buried rather than cremated.
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I've been playing 'spin the bottle' with my friends.
The armchair now has to show the television its bum.
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BBC News - Nick Grimshaw loses 1 millions listeners in a year,
Radio 1 controller Ben Cooper says its down to the older listeners turning over.
No Ben its because he's a rancid unfunny dick.
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I went to a singles club last night.
It was shit, I was the only one there.
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For Halloween I'm dressing up as an economy shopping rap artist.
Lidl Wayne.
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Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes,
head, shoulders, knees and eyelids, knees and eyelids,
Head and shoulders and eyes and ears and lips and nose,
head, shoulders, knees and anus,knees and anus,
Just another day making pork pies for Tesco's.
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England's Chief medical officer Dame Sally Davies has announced free vitamins for all low income families.
Details of where the underprivileged children can pick up the vitamins are now available online and on the new iPhone 5S App
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A policeman stopped me as I walked out of Curry's today.
He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?"
I said, "No mate, just Sony and Panasonic."
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Whoever it was that said you can tell a lot about a women by looking at the contents of her handbag, was absolutely right.
I've just checked my Scouse girlfriend's and most of it belongs to me.
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A Freudian slip is when you say something by mistake that gives away what you were really wanking about. I mean, thinking about.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day .
Teach him how to fish and he will eat for the rest of his life .
Give him fishnet stockings and a plane ticket to San Fransisco and he'll get free dinner for the rest of his life .
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The missus thinks I'm too spontaneous.
How the fuck would she know? I've only met her a few hours ago.
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I saw this fella and said "Wow, I love your Pirate costume are you going to a Halloween party?"..
He said "No, this is Slough, we all dress like this and carry swords, oh and give me your fucking wallet".
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BBC Question Time
For me, it's an hour each week of watching television questioning how the fuck these people ever got elected in the first place.
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I was quite surprised when I found out there was a Primark in Wolverhampton.
The council must be serious about bringing in more upmarket shops.