It's taken me 25 years to finally come out of the closet.
I'm not gay, I just like masturbating in confined spaces.
=====
SKY News: Auckland researchers have been awarded almost $800,000 to study pornography. "
Bollocks! I can't believe that I've been doing that shit for free since I was 12.
=====
My dyslexic friend reckons he's heading for great things.
He's on the road to Sussex.
=====
I shot my first turkey today.
Scared the shit out of everyone in Tesco though.
======
Being unattractive is just playing the dating game on hard mode.
=====
Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is an idiot.
Every time you sharpen it, it changes to "Cool to Do Drugs", then "Do Drugs" and eventually "Drugs".
=====
I'm really good in bed.
I stay on my side and rarely steal all the covers.
=====
I sat opposite her on the tube. She was unbelievably beautiful and we kept eye contact throughout the whole journey. My stop was approaching and
my heart was racing.
I stood up, took a deep breath and said "You are absolutely fucking stunning!"
She said nothing, her face was a picture.
I leaned forward and kissed her lips.
My girlfriend said, "You're pissed. Stop kissing posters."
=====
I was directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene. Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing theatre needs, others
that I ruined the nativity.
=====
Lollipop ladies make me cross.
=====
Doctor: We've take the x-ray, and you're going to need to stop masturbating.
Patient: Why?
Doctor: It's very distracting.
=====
Two chavettes are doing a crossword.
"Female sexual organ"
"Down or across?"
"Across."
"Must be mouth then."
=====
Whoever came up with the phrase, "Better out than in" obviously never suffered with piles.
=====
Where does Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil come from ?
Really ugly ginger olives.
=====
I got a text from my girlfriend saying, 'I want your cock so fucking bad'
I was livid!
It was my Dad's mobile.
=====
I saw some twins today while I was in town.
One had a shirt that said 'Copy' the other's said 'Paste'.
=====
A zombie apocalypse.
Every person's hell.
Well, everyone except the necrophiliacs.
=====
I've just heard the news that two British children have been found dead inside Turkey.
I for one think Heston Blumenthal has crossed the line with his lastest Christmas dinner idea.
=====
Women, eh? Give them an inch and they fake a smile.
=====
The "Occupy Paris" protest is at a stalemate on the first day as both the Police and Protestors have surrendered.
=====
I saw Katie Price in a nightclub and couldn't resist going up to her.
"I've got something white that would look great on your face" I said with a wink,
"Oh really?" she giggled "You naughy boy, what could that be?"
"My Ford Focus."
Fucking talentless hack.
=====
I distorted a Tortoise earlier.
Now it's just an oise.
=====
Twilight might be the best book-to-movie adaptation ever.
Nothing was lost in the translation, because bullshit remains bullshit.
=====
Roses are Green
Violets are Green
Chelsea are playing in Green
My TV's Fucked.
=====
My wife sucks the life out of me.
Never spunk, always life.
=====
Good news for narcoleptics..
Only 827 sleeps until Christmas.
=====
Justin Bieber has finally took the paternity test!
Like that was ever needed.
Just by looking at him you can tell the only time Justin Bieber will ever produce sperm is when he throws up.
=====
What's dementia?
I'm not gay, I just like masturbating in confined spaces.
=====
SKY News: Auckland researchers have been awarded almost $800,000 to study pornography. "
Bollocks! I can't believe that I've been doing that shit for free since I was 12.
=====
My dyslexic friend reckons he's heading for great things.
He's on the road to Sussex.
=====
I shot my first turkey today.
Scared the shit out of everyone in Tesco though.
======
Being unattractive is just playing the dating game on hard mode.
=====
Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is an idiot.
Every time you sharpen it, it changes to "Cool to Do Drugs", then "Do Drugs" and eventually "Drugs".
=====
I'm really good in bed.
I stay on my side and rarely steal all the covers.
=====
I sat opposite her on the tube. She was unbelievably beautiful and we kept eye contact throughout the whole journey. My stop was approaching and
my heart was racing.
I stood up, took a deep breath and said "You are absolutely fucking stunning!"
She said nothing, her face was a picture.
I leaned forward and kissed her lips.
My girlfriend said, "You're pissed. Stop kissing posters."
=====
I was directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene. Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing theatre needs, others
that I ruined the nativity.
=====
Lollipop ladies make me cross.
=====
Doctor: We've take the x-ray, and you're going to need to stop masturbating.
Patient: Why?
Doctor: It's very distracting.
=====
Two chavettes are doing a crossword.
"Female sexual organ"
"Down or across?"
"Across."
"Must be mouth then."
=====
Whoever came up with the phrase, "Better out than in" obviously never suffered with piles.
=====
Where does Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil come from ?
Really ugly ginger olives.
=====
I got a text from my girlfriend saying, 'I want your cock so fucking bad'
I was livid!
It was my Dad's mobile.
=====
I saw some twins today while I was in town.
One had a shirt that said 'Copy' the other's said 'Paste'.
=====
A zombie apocalypse.
Every person's hell.
Well, everyone except the necrophiliacs.
=====
I've just heard the news that two British children have been found dead inside Turkey.
I for one think Heston Blumenthal has crossed the line with his lastest Christmas dinner idea.
=====
Women, eh? Give them an inch and they fake a smile.
=====
The "Occupy Paris" protest is at a stalemate on the first day as both the Police and Protestors have surrendered.
=====
I saw Katie Price in a nightclub and couldn't resist going up to her.
"I've got something white that would look great on your face" I said with a wink,
"Oh really?" she giggled "You naughy boy, what could that be?"
"My Ford Focus."
Fucking talentless hack.
=====
I distorted a Tortoise earlier.
Now it's just an oise.
=====
Twilight might be the best book-to-movie adaptation ever.
Nothing was lost in the translation, because bullshit remains bullshit.
=====
Roses are Green
Violets are Green
Chelsea are playing in Green
My TV's Fucked.
=====
My wife sucks the life out of me.
Never spunk, always life.
=====
Good news for narcoleptics..
Only 827 sleeps until Christmas.
=====
Justin Bieber has finally took the paternity test!
Like that was ever needed.
Just by looking at him you can tell the only time Justin Bieber will ever produce sperm is when he throws up.
=====
What's dementia?
My wife walked into the bedroom to find me dressed in a Gladiator outfit.
"You fucking idiot!" She sighed, "I said I wanted more ROMANCE in our relationship."
=====
My mother-in-law died of natural causes.
I locked her outside and she froze to death.
=====
I recently found out that when using the urinal 33% of men hold their cock with their left hand and 67% use their right.
89% wanted to know why I was watching them piss.
=====
Why doesn't the Pope want to be cremated?
He's not dead yet.
=====
I got arrested for making a lot of counterfeit money in the 70's and 80's.
In hindsight I should probably have stuck to existing denominations.
=====
How do you get rid of a boomerang?
Let a ginger throw it.
=====
I just looked up myself on the Internet.
Now my webcam smells of poo.
=====
Just before leaving to meet my first girlfriend my dad pulled me into his bedroom, opened his bedside drawer and handed me a condom. With a wink he said, 'Take care, son, I'm proud of you.'
I'm not sure what was worse: my dad's knowledge of what I was about to do or using a condom that was intended for my mother.
=====
NEW SIMPLIFIED INCOME TAX:
1. How much money did you make this year?
2. Send it to us.
=====
Have you heard about the newest fashion trend?
Men wearing Ugg boots.
Apparently they're called Muggs.
=====
When a woman says "What?" it doesn't mean that she didnt hear you.
It means that she's giving you a chance to correct yourself.
=====
Sepp Blatter's comments on racism were ridiculous.
Players across England suffer discrimination everyday, usually from FIFA for being English.
=====
I was in the bar with my mate when I told him, "My girlfriend bet me a tenner that I wouldn't be home before 10pm tonight."
He replied, "Well you've got 5 minutes to get home then."
"Or, I've got 3 hours to borrow a tenner."
=====
I'm not a lesbian , but I do like to eat the same food as them.
=====
As my wife was looking at my phone, she said, "Why have you only got 10 numbers on here?"
"Because it goes from 0-9, like all phones."
=====
If I've got 3 apples and you've got 2 apples and the farmer has 1 shotgun.
Was it really worth robbing the orchard?
=====
That's the last time I go shopping with my gay mate Darran.
He was looking at a tight pink t-shirt.
"Why don't you try it on ?" I suggested.
So he winked, licked his lips suggestively and started rubbing my cock.
=====
Life is like a penis, women make it hard.
=====
Just been done for the murder of my wife and 27 of our closest friends.
Turns out that a 'house warming' does not involve fire.
=====
Slowly but surely Petr Cech is saving up for his super hero gimp outfit.
=====
I was in a club with my mate at the weekend and asked him, "What do you think my chances are with that stunning brunette over there?"
"It'll go one of two ways mate."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Either she'll laugh and turn you down or she'll keep a straight face and turn you down."
=====
I took a woman back to mine and we had a little fumble.
As I went down on her I said, "You'll have to bare with me, I've always struggled finding the clit...... Ahh here we go"
"That's my big toe."
=====
My wife burst into the room and said, "You'll never guess who I saw in Tesco today!"
"Fair enough, I'll carry on watching the telly then."
=====
My wife suggested that we do something Christmassy last weekend and get into the festive spirit.
So I got drunk and started an argument.
=====
Unbelievable! Just checked the roster and I've gotta work every fucking weekend this year and Christmas Eve from midnight.
If it wasn't for all the free wine and altar boys I'd seriously jack in this 'priest' malarkey.
=====
My neighbour threw me out of his fancy dress party for coming in a bunny outfit..........which his wife was wearing at the time.
=====
I was on a plane to Switzerland with my wife.
Halfway through the flight, a man jumped up out of his seat and pulled out a gun.
"This is a hijack!" he screamed. "If anyone makes a move, I'll kill 'em!"
My wife held my hand for comfort. I looked into her eyes, smiled, and then pushed her into the aisle.
The hijacker shot her in the head, before being wrestled to the ground by a couple of passengers.
Everyone on the plane looked at me in disbelief at what I had just done.
I said, "Before you ask, we were on our way to the Dignitas clinic for an assisted suicide, so I did us all a favour."
After a few moments silence, an air hostess said, "Well... I suppose her suffering is over now. Was she in a lot of pain?"
"No, she was fine," I replied. "I'm the one who's dying. I just wanted one last laugh before I go."
"You fucking idiot!" She sighed, "I said I wanted more ROMANCE in our relationship."
=====
My mother-in-law died of natural causes.
I locked her outside and she froze to death.
=====
I recently found out that when using the urinal 33% of men hold their cock with their left hand and 67% use their right.
89% wanted to know why I was watching them piss.
=====
Why doesn't the Pope want to be cremated?
He's not dead yet.
=====
I got arrested for making a lot of counterfeit money in the 70's and 80's.
In hindsight I should probably have stuck to existing denominations.
=====
How do you get rid of a boomerang?
Let a ginger throw it.
=====
I just looked up myself on the Internet.
Now my webcam smells of poo.
=====
Just before leaving to meet my first girlfriend my dad pulled me into his bedroom, opened his bedside drawer and handed me a condom. With a wink he said, 'Take care, son, I'm proud of you.'
I'm not sure what was worse: my dad's knowledge of what I was about to do or using a condom that was intended for my mother.
=====
NEW SIMPLIFIED INCOME TAX:
1. How much money did you make this year?
2. Send it to us.
=====
Have you heard about the newest fashion trend?
Men wearing Ugg boots.
Apparently they're called Muggs.
=====
When a woman says "What?" it doesn't mean that she didnt hear you.
It means that she's giving you a chance to correct yourself.
=====
Sepp Blatter's comments on racism were ridiculous.
Players across England suffer discrimination everyday, usually from FIFA for being English.
=====
I was in the bar with my mate when I told him, "My girlfriend bet me a tenner that I wouldn't be home before 10pm tonight."
He replied, "Well you've got 5 minutes to get home then."
"Or, I've got 3 hours to borrow a tenner."
=====
I'm not a lesbian , but I do like to eat the same food as them.
=====
As my wife was looking at my phone, she said, "Why have you only got 10 numbers on here?"
"Because it goes from 0-9, like all phones."
=====
If I've got 3 apples and you've got 2 apples and the farmer has 1 shotgun.
Was it really worth robbing the orchard?
=====
That's the last time I go shopping with my gay mate Darran.
He was looking at a tight pink t-shirt.
"Why don't you try it on ?" I suggested.
So he winked, licked his lips suggestively and started rubbing my cock.
=====
Life is like a penis, women make it hard.
=====
Just been done for the murder of my wife and 27 of our closest friends.
Turns out that a 'house warming' does not involve fire.
=====
Slowly but surely Petr Cech is saving up for his super hero gimp outfit.
=====
I was in a club with my mate at the weekend and asked him, "What do you think my chances are with that stunning brunette over there?"
"It'll go one of two ways mate."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Either she'll laugh and turn you down or she'll keep a straight face and turn you down."
=====
I took a woman back to mine and we had a little fumble.
As I went down on her I said, "You'll have to bare with me, I've always struggled finding the clit...... Ahh here we go"
"That's my big toe."
=====
My wife burst into the room and said, "You'll never guess who I saw in Tesco today!"
"Fair enough, I'll carry on watching the telly then."
=====
My wife suggested that we do something Christmassy last weekend and get into the festive spirit.
So I got drunk and started an argument.
=====
Unbelievable! Just checked the roster and I've gotta work every fucking weekend this year and Christmas Eve from midnight.
If it wasn't for all the free wine and altar boys I'd seriously jack in this 'priest' malarkey.
=====
My neighbour threw me out of his fancy dress party for coming in a bunny outfit..........which his wife was wearing at the time.
=====
I was on a plane to Switzerland with my wife.
Halfway through the flight, a man jumped up out of his seat and pulled out a gun.
"This is a hijack!" he screamed. "If anyone makes a move, I'll kill 'em!"
My wife held my hand for comfort. I looked into her eyes, smiled, and then pushed her into the aisle.
The hijacker shot her in the head, before being wrestled to the ground by a couple of passengers.
Everyone on the plane looked at me in disbelief at what I had just done.
I said, "Before you ask, we were on our way to the Dignitas clinic for an assisted suicide, so I did us all a favour."
After a few moments silence, an air hostess said, "Well... I suppose her suffering is over now. Was she in a lot of pain?"
"No, she was fine," I replied. "I'm the one who's dying. I just wanted one last laugh before I go."