Paddy Power: This weekends odds on a Brit to finish on the podium at the Monaco Grand Prix :
Paul Di Resta 50-1
Jenson Button 10-1
Lewis Hamilton 6-1
John Terry 2-1
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Is David Cameron ever going to let that policeman in?
He's been at his door for days.
=====
I see Mark Zuckerberg has got married to Priscilla Chan.
It's nice to know that despite having billions in the bank, he still shops online.
=====
I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening.
It's called bitches & hoes.
=====
I've decided to take the John Terry approach to dinner tonight.
I'm going to put on my chef hat to serve up the Sunday roast after my Mum spent all day cooking it.
=====
I realised the psychic was full of shit the moment she accepted my check.
=====
I was talking to a guy in the pub last night.
"I'm dating a girl called Lucy Smith" he said.
"Long blonde hair, fantastic tits and a stunning body which you could fuck all night?" I asked.
"Yeah, that's the one. Do you know her?"
"She's my daughter."
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Geoff Shreeves: Frank Lampard, a very well done on winning the Champions League. Do you miss your mum?
=====
Why do I get drunk so much?
Because I love it when the whole world revolves around me.
=====
I don't trust the police.
They put two on the front door of No.10, and that twat of a Prime Minister still gets out every day.
=====
The original Windows Explorer was just a telescope.
=====
I told my friend I was suffering with paranoia.
He said "Don't be silly, it's all in your head."
Now I'm even more paranoid.
=====
I often look forward to Saturday nights in with just me and The Voice.
Of course by "The Voice" I mean my alternative personality that tells me to fuck my neighbour's cat then burn down the house.
=====
"Geoff Shreeves here with Britain's got talent winners Ashleigh Butler and her dog Pudsey, congratulations on your win, although what are you gonna do Ashleigh in 3-4 years when Pudsey passes away?"
=====
Walkers are now doing an "Extra Fill" bag which means you get 30% extra crisps.
If you're not very good with numbers that means you get an extra 3 crisps.
=====
The Olympic torch relay has given inspiration and hope to the people of Exeter.
That fire can be controlled.
=====
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
=====
A British aquarium claims to have the world's first vegetarian shark.
Either that or they're playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.
=====
You have to give John Terry credit..
It saves time because he's gonna take it anyway.
=====
I met a girl in the pub. We chatted and got drunk and I ended up at hers.
"Listen" I said, "I'm not very experienced and when I'm with a girl for the first time I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation."
"Well we can take it slow, babe," she winked. "How premature?"
"Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?"
"Yeah?"
"Then."
=====
Robin Gibb has provided proof that a healthy vegetarian diet coupled with alcohol abstention prolongs your life.
He has managed to eke out 62.5 years - six months longer than Jocky Wilson.
=====
Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?
=====
Red bull gives you wings.
So does inbreeding.
=====
Did you hear that Mr Potato Head was sick?
Apparently he has a brain tuber.
=====
The quality at Cadbury has really dropped since the takeover by Kraft.
Only this morning, outside our office, I noticed a tin of Roses filled with sand and cigarette butts.
=====
What's all the fuss about prisoners having the vote?
It's just one bunch of criminals electing another.
=====
I just got one of those electronic cigarettes.
It's exactly like smoking a real cigarette, only shit.
Paul Di Resta 50-1
Jenson Button 10-1
Lewis Hamilton 6-1
John Terry 2-1
=====
Is David Cameron ever going to let that policeman in?
He's been at his door for days.
=====
I see Mark Zuckerberg has got married to Priscilla Chan.
It's nice to know that despite having billions in the bank, he still shops online.
=====
I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening.
It's called bitches & hoes.
=====
I've decided to take the John Terry approach to dinner tonight.
I'm going to put on my chef hat to serve up the Sunday roast after my Mum spent all day cooking it.
=====
I realised the psychic was full of shit the moment she accepted my check.
=====
I was talking to a guy in the pub last night.
"I'm dating a girl called Lucy Smith" he said.
"Long blonde hair, fantastic tits and a stunning body which you could fuck all night?" I asked.
"Yeah, that's the one. Do you know her?"
"She's my daughter."
=====
Geoff Shreeves: Frank Lampard, a very well done on winning the Champions League. Do you miss your mum?
=====
Why do I get drunk so much?
Because I love it when the whole world revolves around me.
=====
I don't trust the police.
They put two on the front door of No.10, and that twat of a Prime Minister still gets out every day.
=====
The original Windows Explorer was just a telescope.
=====
I told my friend I was suffering with paranoia.
He said "Don't be silly, it's all in your head."
Now I'm even more paranoid.
=====
I often look forward to Saturday nights in with just me and The Voice.
Of course by "The Voice" I mean my alternative personality that tells me to fuck my neighbour's cat then burn down the house.
=====
"Geoff Shreeves here with Britain's got talent winners Ashleigh Butler and her dog Pudsey, congratulations on your win, although what are you gonna do Ashleigh in 3-4 years when Pudsey passes away?"
=====
Walkers are now doing an "Extra Fill" bag which means you get 30% extra crisps.
If you're not very good with numbers that means you get an extra 3 crisps.
=====
The Olympic torch relay has given inspiration and hope to the people of Exeter.
That fire can be controlled.
=====
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
=====
A British aquarium claims to have the world's first vegetarian shark.
Either that or they're playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.
=====
You have to give John Terry credit..
It saves time because he's gonna take it anyway.
=====
I met a girl in the pub. We chatted and got drunk and I ended up at hers.
"Listen" I said, "I'm not very experienced and when I'm with a girl for the first time I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation."
"Well we can take it slow, babe," she winked. "How premature?"
"Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?"
"Yeah?"
"Then."
=====
Robin Gibb has provided proof that a healthy vegetarian diet coupled with alcohol abstention prolongs your life.
He has managed to eke out 62.5 years - six months longer than Jocky Wilson.
=====
Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?
=====
Red bull gives you wings.
So does inbreeding.
=====
Did you hear that Mr Potato Head was sick?
Apparently he has a brain tuber.
=====
The quality at Cadbury has really dropped since the takeover by Kraft.
Only this morning, outside our office, I noticed a tin of Roses filled with sand and cigarette butts.
=====
What's all the fuss about prisoners having the vote?
It's just one bunch of criminals electing another.
=====
I just got one of those electronic cigarettes.
It's exactly like smoking a real cigarette, only shit.
I heard Joey Barton has been Banned For 12 Matches..
Or in Kieron Dyer terms..5 seasons.
=====
Based on current evidence, I remain cautiously optimistic that I am immortal.
=====
I dont know what animal the Sham is.
But its poo has done wonders for my hair.
=====
My cat died today in a microwave-related incident.
He ate my popcorn.
=====
Whenever I hear about a whale washing up on a beach, I always wonder how big the rubber gloves must have been.
=====
Aston Villa have decided to retire Row Z at Villa Park in honour of Emile Heskey.
=====
As an unemployed person I am sick of listening to employed people make the same shite joke of how their taxes pay my jobseeker pay.
Have they not seen the tax's on beer and cigarettes? I pay just as much tax as them...the inconsiderate wanker's.
=====
What happens when you throw a yellow rock into a purple stream?
It makes a splash.
=====
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To start a fight!!
No one calls Marty McFly chicken!!
=====
For his birthday present, my mate's wife paid to have a star named after him.
Leonardo DiCaprio is now known as Colin Braithwaite.
=====
Hobbling out of Pizza Hut, I realised that the 11" Italian for £5 was NOT as expected.
=====
I was driving to work this morning when I saw a sign saying 'Low Trees'.
So I stopped, got out and gave one a cuddle.
=====
My cat's been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
The mad hairy bastard's got 45 lives now.
=====
I was chilling out in the pool area wearing just my Speedos, when the manager came over and said, "You can't come in here dressed like that. Please put the cue down on the table and leave the pub."
=====
My girlfriend put one of my t-shirts on when she woke up this morning.
I followed her downstairs ten minutes later and she called me a sick pervert because I had her bra and knickers on.
=====
I just finished having sex with this nurse I have been seeing for a while and I looked at her and asked ''Look in your profession you see a lot of cock, do you think mine is big?''
She said ''It really doesn't matter you know.''
''Just tell me'' I said '' I just want to know what you think.''
So she looked under the cover and said ''In my experience you have a larger one.''
With a smile on my face I asked her ''So........what kind of nurse are you again?''
She replied ''I'm a midwife.''
=====
"Here lad, sniff them fingers!"
"Get lucky did ya?" he winked before inhaling deeply.
"Nah mate, just wormed the dog."
=====
'Joey Barton banned for 12 matches'
Fuck! Just imagine if they caught him with a cigarette lighter.
=====
Facebook is now worth $100 billion.
Today it was friended by Greece.
=====
I was sunbathing naked in my garden yesterday, when my wife came home and said, "Put some bloody clothes on."
"Why?" I said, "You've seen it all before."
"What about everybody else who can see you?" she continued.
"Fuck them" I replied, "If they don't like looking at a fine figure of a man then that's their problem."
"Can you at least sunbathe in the back garden?"
=====
I said to my mate, "My cousin's been arrested for trying to ask a policeman for directions to Fukushima."
"Wasting police time, right?"
"Nah, he has a stutter."
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Using athletes to advertise for Subway is like having nuns advertising condoms.