Let's get it out of the way then........
"Pass the Dutchy on the left hand side".
Said one MH17 air accident investigator to another.
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Oh, and........
Well, I suppose now we're all relying on Derren Brown..to pull back a curtain large enough to hide three planes.
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"Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?"
"To Dave's fancy dress party, I'm a tortoise."
"His party is not until tomorrow night!"
"I know, but I'm a tortoise."
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If your anxious and you know it..
Clasp your hands.
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You're about as much use as Anne Frank's drum kit.
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Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that, on the grounds that the trophy was in Brazil, and Argentina is therefore closer to it than Germany, then it should rightfully be theirs.
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BBC Sports NewsNews: Queen's racehorse tests positive for morphine.
Camilla's a junkie?
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They should send Rolf Harris to a young offender's institution. He still serves time in jail and the little shits who stole my car will have to endure his first hand rendition of "Tie me kangaroo down sport."
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The Russians have hired Arsene Wenger as their spokesman.
Apparently, he hasn't seen any planes being shot out of the sky.
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I've just seen George Bush's art gallery and, to be honest, I think his portrait of Tony Blair is pretty good.
The lies follow you around the room.
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My Mum asked me recently to do something to commemorate her pet dog who got run over and killed last month.
So I took a shit on the carpet.
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If you're devious and you know it hatch your plans.
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BBC News: 'Car goes over cliff with five inside''
Enid Blyton's childrens book titles have become rather sensationalist of late.
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Fuck off Marvel.
Judge Judy's the only woman who's allowed a hammer.
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"What's that pile of clothes doing on the kitchen floor?"
"It's a dead Jedi."
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BBC News: David Cameron has declared "The weight of evidence about the crash of MH17 is pointing in one direction".
I never did trust that Harry Styles
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Best of luck to Steven Gerrard, who's retired from not winning the World Cup to concentrate on not winning the Premier League.
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BBC News: David Cameron has expressed his anger over President Putin taking 3 days to accept his phone call. Therefore, has decided to invoke further and even stricter sanctions.
By blocking him on Facebook.
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"Does my bum look big in this dress?"
"No, but the dress does look quite small on your arse."
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Daily Mail:'Britain faces crisis!'
what!? We're running out of faces!?
If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
Smallpox.
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I really struggled to upload 'Holiday Photos 2' to Facebook.
They do say the second album's the hardest.
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Just a thought.
If the aliens in the film Signs are allergic to water, why didn't they invade Africa?
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I was with a mate at the top of the Empire State building when he saw a very attactive woman
He leaned in towards her and whispered, "Baby I wanna make all your fantasies come true."
She turned to him and whispered back, "Awww that's so sweet. Try not to land on my car...."
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Sky Sports News: Commonwealth shooting champion Nur Ayuni Farhana Abdul Halim from Malaysia, will be unable to compete in Glasgow after her competition jacket which was in her luggage failed to show up.
But Vladimir Kozlov from Ukraine has offered to take her place as he has a lovely new shooting jacket and 38 passports.
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I once worked with a guy that had really bad spots all over his face.
We nicknamed him E9.
It's the London postcode for 'ackney
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What's the difference between ass to mouth and mouth to mouth?
Seriously. Anyone know?
I'm not allowed near the CPR dummies again, till I find out.
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!! LIVERPOOL FANS - WARNING !!
If you leave a child in your car during this hot weather please ensure a window is open.
So they can at least have a fag.
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I've got 99 problems.
Fucking Flake just fell out again.
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"We move on. This club is bigger than Suarez"
Said the manager of that club Luis Suarez used to play for.
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I wouldn't say my ex was a skank but her Rampant Rabbit vibrator died of Myxamatosis.
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Anyone else think that it's ironic that the only thing the Commonwealth doesn't have in common is, well... wealth.
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I was in a club in Yorkshire recently, and there were loads of men dancing in front of other men in a sexually provocative manner with these thrusting hip movements to Miley Cirus.
I turned to the barman and asked, "Is this a gay bar?
"No! He shouted over the music. "Twerking mens club."
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If you weren't sure before about whether we should leave the EU, be sure now.
Tony Blair wants us to stay in, so it's time to go.
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Mocker, rhyming slang for mocking bird, turd. A piece of shit.
Vauxhall Mokka. Same thing really.
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You would think with all these old DJs being hauled in by the yewtree investigation that the finger would be pointing at a certain David 'Kid' Jenson by now, eh?
The clues in the name.
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Surfing, a sport that looks fun.
But my mate reckons that it's a lot like his sex life.
She lays down, he struggles to get on top, he struggles to stay up, he's a long way from where she wants to be and after a 100 strokes he's still no closer, he gets a brief ride, ends up wet and salty, then spends the next 24 hours picking crabs out of his pubes.
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I got 5 minutes into one of Jamie's 30 Minute Meals then realised, I'd forgotten to grow a herb garden in my kitchen.