Our neighbour's dog shit in our garden so my mum told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.
I don't see how that solved anything.
Now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our fucking shovel.
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I got sacked tonight for refusing to serve some girl who'd clearly had far too many already.
She complained to my McManager.
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Sky News: A photo posted on Twitter of Justin Bieber's bare arse was exposed as a fake.
After somebody noticed that there wasn't a cock in it.
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I'm not saying my wife's driving is bad...
But to cash in on it, I've opened up a florist.
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Sky Sports News: DNA test results have shown that Beth Tweddle is 29% horse.
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My hobby recreating aerial dogfights is really expensive.
You're looking at between 80-90 helium filled balloons just to lift a pitbull.
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You put your left leg in, your left leg out, in out, in out you shake it all about.
Not a good idea having the Hokey Cokey as my morning alarm, it takes me half hour to get out of bed.
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I only found out how much my father despised me when he died and left all his money to the local cats home.
He fucking hated cats.
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Just got done watching the Dirty Dozen.
Worst porno..........EVER.
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Newcastle have signed French defender Yanga-Mbiwa.
Ironically, that's Geordie for "Did you spill my pint?"
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What's long, flat, and creased?
An irony board.
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"Coca-Cola to tackle obesity"
Whats next, Banks leading courses on ethical leadership?
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My friend just got sacked from his teaching job because he was having sex with a student.
He didn't think it was that big a deal, but the bosses at Guide Dogs for the Blind were fucking livid.
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I got talking to a girl in the pub last night and, after a while, she giggled and said 'I like playing with toys at night, if you know what I mean'.
I smiled, nodded and said 'We can go back to my place, I might have the sort of toys you'd enjoy'.
Long story short, she thinks Scaletrix is shit.
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BBC News: The US had decided to stop the use of the "naked scanner" in airports, due to its many privacy violations.
Looks like it's back to the old standby of groping and cavity searches.
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I'm always really surprised at the short amount of time, "Oh, my boyfriend is different.''
changes to:
''All men are the same.''
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I remember my son's birth.
My wife was screaming in pain.
I asked would it be ok to hold her hand, and the midwife said yes.
What a hassle that was. I was almost elbow deep before I found my his fingers.
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Burberry Baby Clothes..
Because it's never too early to make your child look like a cunt.
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Just a thought.
He might not have needed the drugs if his name was Lance Legstrong.
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BBC News: Prince Harry has admitted to having killed a few men,
That's one up on his grandmother she's only managed his mum.
Why did the man with the big cock cross the road?
If you must know I nipped out to get a paper.
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If you think Tesco's horse burgers are bad you should try their quarter panda.
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The AA warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a Blanket/Sleeping bag, extra clothing (including Hat, Scarf and Gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-Icer, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first aid kit and some jumps leads.
I looked a right twat on the bus.
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New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 world cup.
He has bought himself a new TV.
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I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.
Fucking quack.
I've been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.
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Whenever my wife says, "We need to talk"
I never seem to get ma worfd in edgeways.
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My neighbour just knocked on my door and said, "I have watched you urinate in my garden every night this week."
"Why would you watch me doing that? Are you gay?"
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Nice haircut. We get it, you're a proud lesbian.
One question, if you hate men, why to you spend all your efforts trying to look like one?
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I got pulled over by the police this morning.
The cop walked up to my window and asked, "Did you steal all those traffic cones," while pointing at the back seat of my car.
"No, after driving for 20 miles without seeing anybody, I figured they were abandoned."
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I asked my wife earlier "What does my cum face look like?"
She replied "I don't know I'm always crying with my eyes closed"
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We were that poor when I was a child, that my bath toys used to be a couple of dirty dishes and some cutlery.
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Anyone else think that Barry Gibb is being a bit smug by re-releasing 'Staying Alive'?
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My girlfriend always laughs at my poor sense of direction.
Until we're having sex.
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God promised man he could find beautiful women who were good honest wives in all corners of the world.
Then he made the world round and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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There's that many houses boarded up in Liverpool, that the window cleaners go round with a sander.
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After deciding to drive home following a night in the pub yesterday, I crashed after I swerved the car trying to avoid a tree.
Turns out it was my air-freshener.
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I can't wait to miss the next season of X Factor.
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On April 24 2012 John Terry was sent off at the Nou Camp.
Nine months later, Shakira's son is born.
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BBC NEws: William and Kate are thinking of naming their baby Diana if it's a girl to honour his mother.
Prince Phillip wants them to call it Mercedes or Paris, so it knows not to piss him off.
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You have to be optimistic about having a receding hairline.
I tell people that I'm not going bald, I'm getting more head.
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My mum always says 'respect your elders'.
Fucking weirdo, they're only trees.
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"I think it's about time we had a 'birds and the bees' talk son," said Justin Bieber's dad.
"Gee pa, there's no need, I have sex all the time now!" he bragged.
"Well I hope it's safe sex, with a condom?"
"Oh course pop, I can't risk my vocal chords with cum in my mouth."
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AN APOLOGY FROM TESCO.
We want to apologise for the recent discovery of horse and pig DNA in burgers for sale at our stores. Please rest assured we are investigating the root of the problem and will fully disclose our findings.
In the meantime we have re-sourced our burgers and re-stocked our shelves; please be assured that all our burgers now contain the traditional ingredients you know and love: eyeballs, arseholes, bollocks and brains.
Bon apetite.
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I found an ex on Facebook who looks like she hit the wall.
Then the wall fell on her.
And then she ate it.
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I notice a lot of the horse racing has been cancelled lately.
Weather related or Tesco restocking?