Somewhere there is a parallel universe where Oscar Shootorius is in terrible trouble for pissing on his girlfriend.
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I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.
"Why do you want to do that?" I said.
"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity".
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Thanks to Diet Chef, I've lost a shitload of weight.
I went to their website and cooked the meals they advertised.
I a shit load of cash too.
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"My son died in the 'hood."
"Was it gang related?"
"Nah, suffocated when he put his anorak on the wrong way round."
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My wife found my stash of lesbian porn but that was cool because we are lesbians.
Gay marriage is going to screw up so many jokes
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BBC London News: "Man Critical After Street Attack"
I'm not surprised, I wouldn't be lavishing someone with praise if he beat me up.
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I recently ran into the bully from my schooldays.
I'd always said that if I ever saw him again I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire, but I take that back now.
It was tremendously satisfying.
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I tried to socialize with a group of dolphins,
but they were a bit clicky.
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"Baa Baa Black Sheep, have you any wool?"
Of course I have, I'm a fucking sheep.
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My long-haired collie ran up to me today and went, "Bark bark bark. Bark bark, bark, WOOF!"
"What's that girl. A forest fire?"
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What is black and loud?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
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People are saying that sperm has terrific anti-wrinkle properties.
But if that were true, then my bed would always look freshly ironed.
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This joke is that shit, Justin Bieber is starring in it.
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OUt with my mate and we at the pub, and we saw a gorgeous woman.
He sauntered over and slapped her on the arse.
"Sorry," she said, "I only go for guys who'll treat me like a princess."
So he stuck her in the back of his Mercedes and drove into a tunnel wall.
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Jürgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the Man Utd job, but said his brother Klippity might be interested.
A SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol......
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"What's the possibility of Oscar Pistorius being found innocent?"
"There's more chance of him getting athletes foot."
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The ice cream van that drives down my street always seems to be sold out.
Which is weird considering all the children in my area are missing.
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So it looks like David Moyes is going to be leaving Old Trafford with a £4,000,000 pay off.
And then there's the bonuses from Liverpool, Manchester City, Arsenal and Chelsea.
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BBC News: Scientists discover female insect that has a penis.
Bet they found it in Thailand.
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Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11
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"Where the fuck have you been all night?" I demanded to know, as the wife walked in this morning.
"Well me and a few girls from work went out for a couple of drinks when we finished. One drink led to another, then we went clubbing." She explained. "By the end of the night it was just me and Julie left. I was absolutely hammered and I crashed at hers."
"Oh, that's ok then. I said, relieved.
"Not really." She replied. "The car's fucked and I owe her a fence."
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I went to see my doctor this morning.
"Some bastard decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.
"So why are you telling me?" he asked.
"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"
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UKIP leader Nigel Farage has predicted "an earthquake" in politics if his party wins the European elections.
Which is odd, because I thought the official UKIP stance was that earthquakes are caused by gay marriage.
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I've renamed my penis "competition".
Now when I tell people I've just beaten off stiff competition they look impressed rather than ashamed
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Two Unicorns were on Noah's Ark when one said to the other, "Hi, I'm George."
"Pleased to meet you George, I'm Arthur."
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ATTENTION ALL MEN!
Do you want a partner who will:
1. ALWAYS be happy to see you.
2. Follow you around the house serving you when you want them to but stay in their place when your at the pub.
3. NOT spend all your money
4. Not moan if you bring others into the relationship.
5. Be easy to turn on... even with just one finger
6. Be replaceable when worn out and suck your cock on demand.
Then head over to Homebase - The big Henry sale starts today.
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I hate people who force their opinion down on others.
and so should you.
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Before finding music success in the charts, T'Pau appeared in numerous fight scenes in the 1960's TV series of Batman.
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Novak Djokovic has announced that his girlfriend is pregnant.
That'll explain the strained wrist injury then.