Oscar Pistorious will finish his sentence before you finish this one.
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My ex once told me that if I got her a diamond ring, then she'd let me have anal sex.
Imagine my disappointment when she walked in with Paul, her hairdresser.
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Bono has finally explained why he always wears sunglasses.
Because he's a dick.
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A mate of mine called me posh.
I didn't say a word and tapped him on the kneecap with my croquet mallet.
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I've decided to call my penis Oscar Pistorius.
It only goes inside for a disappointingly short period of time too.
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I like to sneak up behind horses.
It's how I get my kicks.
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Oscar Pistorius gets half the normal sentence.
So, South African law determines sentences based on the length of your legs?
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I've just joined an Internet forum about bridges.
It's full of trolls.
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BBC News: A crippled man, who was paralysed, can walk again after cells were transplanted from his nose to his spinal column.
Anyone else think that, if they had waited till he had a cold, they could have had him running.
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The worst part of not having a home is the obligation to try all the stunts performed by experts.
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I'm the sort of guy that lights up a room.
What can I say, I'm an arsonist.
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How many accident-prone people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seriously. How many?
I'm on the sixth.
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People keep asking me why I'm working for Dr Frankenstein.
I'm only trying to make a living.
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Since my girlfriend's nail bar business expanded, she's working a ton of overtime.
Her own fault really, opening a branch in Norfolk.
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Did I tell you about the time I was turned into stone?
Well first, I was afraid.
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So, Bono has finally explained why he always wears sunglasses.
He suffers from glaucoma.
At least now we know why he still hasn't found what he's looking for.
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The World Health Organization declares Nigeria officially free of Ebola - hailing it a "spectacular success story" and if you Email your bank details now, you can be a part of this success story...
What's the difference between Oscar Pistorius and George Michael?
Oscar Pistorius has only been arrested once for firing off a few rounds in a toilet.
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When a leper messages you LMFAO there's a good chance they might be telling the truth.
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Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
"Dejav."
"Dejav who?"
Knock knock.
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I saw two policeman chasing some bloke yesterday, so as he went past me I stuck my leg out.
Big mistake.
The car broke my tibia in four places.
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How do you distract a load of dumb monkeys from what's going on?
Make them judges on the X Factor, evidently.
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I had a disappointed look on my face, as I walked out of the shop yesterday with 4 Tesco carrier bags on each arm.
Perhaps I should've put more thought into these tattoos.
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It seems that every single video shared on Facebook is the greatest ever, funniest ever, best ever etc etc.
Until a video exists of Chuck Norris round-housing Justin Bieber in the face, then I respectfully disagree.
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Apparently sex seriously improves your memory.
I read that in a book.. Wait, it was a magazine.. Actually I think it was the internet.
Maybe.
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BBC News: The Ebola crisis is finally coming to an end.
Barry Scott has just landed in Liberia.
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How many scousers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but never forget the ninety six who could have changed it.
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Now that Disney has the rights to the 'Star Wars' franchise, you might see Luke Skywalker when you visit Disney World.
Or Lando.
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My vacuum cleaner packed up so I wrapped it up in a Sunderland scarf.
Now it sucks again.
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"If you're Happy and you know it, clap your hands..."
Sang Snow White, showing blatant favouritism.
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I self-diagnosed myself as having illusions of grandeur.
I booked myself in to see some leading Harley Street doctors.
I might have a press conference afterwards.
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Banned airline items still include forks.
Which is fair enough.
Anyone excited enough about airline food to bring their own fork is fucking suspicious in my book.
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"Your skin looks so youthful, what's your secret?"
"It's not mine."
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I hadn't realised just how unkempt my pubic hair had become until I went for a pee.
I undid my flies, and had the image of giving birth to Jeremy Clarkson flash through my mind
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BBC News: Boko Haram might release schoolgirls
Is it a single or an album?
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I remember as a kid, my father loved cowboys.
We always had shit cars, shit house repairs and our new drives only lasted a fortnight.
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Anyone else hoping that Pistorious gets the top bunk?
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I've had a big number 45 tattooed on my right shoulder.
It's my guardian angle.
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"You've got your father's nose."
"I don't really, it's just my thumb between my fingers."