What goes 2 4 6 8 10 12... 48 50 52 54...
The postman's new route in Oklahoma City.
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My wife thinks our son is gay.
I'll let him finish crying about the Eurovision result and then I'll ask him.
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The Rolling Stones made me fail my chemistry exam.
Jumpin' Jack Flash is not a gas.
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I was saddened to hear that the Nigerian military has killed several members of Boko Haram.
I really liked A Whiter Shade of Pale.
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'Jesus, Mary and Joseph', said God in The Bible.
Who researchers now believe to be Irish.
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Steve Marriott, Ronnie Lane, Kenney Jones, and Jimmy Winston walk into a pub, and the barman says, "Why? The small faces."
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After coming home from the pub drunk I looked at my girlfriend suggestively and said, "Sex?"
"Don't even think about it." she replied.
That's going to make my back up wank quite challenging.
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I tested a childproof lighter today.
It didn't work at all, her hair went up like dry straw.
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Rod Stewart is at Number 1 in the charts.
Because old people don't know what 'torrenting' is.
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I fucking hate predictive text.
My mate is now telling everyone that I slept with an Emo, when in actual fact it was an Emu.
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Contrary to popular belief, the world is not full of arseholes.
But, they are strategically placed so that you'll come across one every day.
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"Don't wanna be your adjustable spanner."
The Foo Fighters would be shit if they were British.
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My friend recently told me "You do know alcohol is only a temporary solution to your problem yeah??"
"Its only temporary if you stop drinking" I said
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I made a voodoo doll of my ex-girlfriend and fed it cake.
And my god I think it's worked.
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I met a bloke from Oklahoma this morning.
In my garden.
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Americans are calling the tornado that killed over 90 people in Oklahoma an act of God.
I call choosing to live in a place nicknamed "Tornado Alley," an act of stupidity.
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Audley Harrison has announced he's to come out of retirement after managing to knock out a wank.
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"I'd be really disappointed if my jokes ever made it to number 1."
Said Jedward's dad.
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The Genie said to me, "I will grant you a single wish."
"I'll have a bottle of alcohol that can never be empty." I told him.
Bastard gave me Advocaat.
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So is Oklahoma just "Lahoma" now?
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All the best glassware comes from the West Indies.
Pyrex of the Caribbean.
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I bumped into Sarah Jessica Parker while on a shopping trip in New York.
She was weighed down with bags from Macy's, Bloomingdales and Tiffany's.
"Excuse me," I said. "You've dropped something."
But as I loaded her up with a miner's lantern, a frying pan and a shovel, she suddenly went 'buckaroo'.
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1990- My maths teacher: "You wont be carrying a calculator around with you everywhere you go when your older, you need to learn to do your sums without it"
2013- Every mobile phone in the world: 'Menu-apps-calculator'
Me 1 - teacher 0
If Klay Rooney is a true Scouser, his middle names should be Ming, Benny and Fitz.
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I haven't had a girlfriend for that long, all the porn I save on my laptop is in a folder called porn.
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My wife thinks she failed her driving test after not stopping for the zebra crossing.
Actually I think the instructor failed her as soon as she drove into the zoo.
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"Okay class, today we are going to play a game. When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a colour, you run to the left side of the court. Got it?"
"Got it."
"Okay... Ready, set... ORANGE!"
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Visitors to Notre-Dame cathedral have been horrified by the sight of a man shooting himself.
As opposed to all the statues and pictures of a man nailed to a cross.
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Australians don't have sex.
Australians mate, mate.
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My great great gran was told she's too old to get a facelift.
You should've seen the look on her neck.
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I think the only reason that Piers Morgan is pro gun control is because so many people want to kill him.
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Xbox
Xbox 360
Xbox 1
Bill Gates might be the richest man in the world but I'd be a bit more impressed if he'd learn to fucking count.
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Wayne Rooney has named his son Klay Anthony Rooney.
Wayne said his initials spell out where he was conceived.
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"Even though I've finished masturbating now, let's watch the rest of this porno"
Said no man ever....
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The wife wanted me to lick her tight little asshole last night.
Unfortunately, it was as baggy as fuck.
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I was in the pub tonight and I said to my friend, "Don't call me paranoid, but my ears are burning. I think people are talking about me."
He replied, "No you're not paranoid. People are talking about you, but that's because your ears are on fire."
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I entered my first demolition derby at the weekend.
I think I killed about six horses.
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Cameron: We won't give in to terror.
But we will keep on giving the terrorists accommodation and benefits.
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The first rule of deaf club is.
You cannot sign about deaf club.
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As I laid back, I lifted one leg in the air and let out the most satisfying eight second fart I've ever done.
It was so impressive.
The doctor doing my prostate examination didn't think so though.
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I shot and killed a Buddhist a year ago.
This morning, a duck waddled over and kicked me.
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What kind of idiot filled this piñata with honey and bees?
Also, they put very little effort into making it look nice.
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"It's true, men can't multitask." laughed my wife with her mother.
"Really?!" I said. "And just whose finger was fucking your arsehole while your pussy was getting eaten out last night?"
That shut them both up.
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I got 99 problems.
I can only find 2 of my dalmatians.
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In which country do sheep fall from the sky?
Bahrain.
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I was at the swimming baths yesterday and had a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard blew his whistle so loud, I nearly fell in.
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After Wednesday's outrage, I decided to do something about it.
I've joined EDF.
Fuck you, Scottish Power and your big bills.
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Yuri Geller claims he can read people's minds.
It's not that impressive when everyone thinks you're a cunt.
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I always have an uncontrollable urge to punch my daughter in the face, so I thought maybe therapy could help.
She's tried it though, and she's still just as fucking irritating.