I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland.
Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.
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After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that getting a blowjob would be least I could expect.
Apparently not..........and the checkout girl even called the manager.
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The upside to being an ugly bastard is that I never get involved with shallow women.
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I watched 'Call The Midwife' for the first time tonight.
It's just like 'Heartbeat', only set in a vagina.
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UKIP talk shit.,
Surely if gay people were in charge of the weather it would be raining men.
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I smoke for religious reasons
Each cigarette brings me five minutes closer to Jesus.
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I am beginning to think my mum knew that I masturbated excessively.
She started rolling my socks individually.
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Sky News: 50% of Britains population, will be obese by 2050 according to health officials.
BBC News: The Met office has also released figures that show the main cause of the floods.
It's not the rain, it's just that Britain is so fat, we're sinking.
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I've been arrested for smothering an old lady.
In maple syrup and licking it off.
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We had a Round Robin at the football club this weekend.
Batman was quite pissed off and told him to lose weight or he's on his own.
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The met office has issued further flood warnings for the south east today after a lingering look between two gay men at a gym in London.
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David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year.
Even if he has to write the song himself.
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I always put sun cream on for protection, it doesn't work that well though.
I've got nine kids.
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"Son, if you piss really hard into the bowl, it makes your willy sound bigger."
"That's great dad, but you've ruined my cornflakes."
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I wish for just two things.
1) For people to quit stereotyping us beauty pageant contestants as predictable.
2) ..and for world peace.
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For sale: 1 Remington beard trimmer. £20. No longer needed.
For more info, please contact:
R. Cropper
15 Coronation St
Weatherfield
Lancashire.
No timewasters please
I'm gonna hang a Batman costume in my wardrobe.
Just to screw with myself when the Alzheimers kicks in.
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Hollywood..........Where dreams come true.
Unless you dare to dream something bold and original.
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Moyes- "Will you sell us Juan Mata?"
Mourinho- "We wont sell him to a title rival!"
Moyes- "So that's a yes then."
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What's the difference between red and green?
Fuck all apparently if you're a cyclist.
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Job interviewer: "What are your strengths?"
"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."
"Can you give me an example?"
"Yes, when do I start?"
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The average man can fill a 500ml bottle with his sperm in 2 weeks.
I had a very lonely Christmas.
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I've just invented a new word: "Plagiarism"
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Apparently Piers Morgan has been on his high horse on twitter snitching about death threats.
Yes Piers, Didn't you once hack a dead girl's phone?
Twat
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What's the worst thing to take to a gun fight?
Skittles.
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They say "If you asked a hundred women to sleep with you, at least one would say yes."
It also gets you thrown out of speed dating.
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I forgot to leave a light on at my house when I went out drinking last night.
When I got back this morning, I was shocked at what I saw.
Dead sailors and wreckage everywhere.
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Fart in your cupped hand.
Now smell it.
Congratulations, you have just driven passed Junction 5 on the M4 by Slough.
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You pretty much know there is no hope for humanity,
When you realise there is a supply and demand for people bleaching other people's arseholes.
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A unicorn, a flying pig and a talking dog walk into a bar.
The Barman says "Yep, those mushrooms were a bad idea"
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BBC News: Justin Bieber has been arrested for drag racing.
I know it's dangerous, but surely there's no law against running in high heels.
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How the fuck am I supposed to adopt healthy eating habits when the fucking salad falls out of my Big Macs?
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Every time I play snooker I get a 147.
That's the bus that stops outside the club.
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What's the difference between Paul Walker and Justin Bieber ?
The stupid fucking Miami Police.
(I'm starting to think Justin Bieber may actually want to go to prison,
Can't think why though.)
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Scottish people aren't stingy.
They're just saving up for a sunny day.
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Read a sign earlier on my way home that said 'Road works ahead'
Fucking Liars, I've never seen such a broken road.