The Big Bang.
In the beginning there was nothing.
Which exploded.
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The Sun on Sunday - A bumper issue of made-up bollox.
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I said to my girlfriend, "I'm sorry for treating you really badly recently. How can I make it up to you?"
"Well you can take me to the cinema tonight."
"Done. I'll even pick you up afterwards."
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I'm not a sore loser, I just prefer to play Snap with someone with a stutter.
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Just heard the journalist that was killed in Homs could have survived.
Apparently she saw the piece of shrapnel coming and could have ducked.
Unfortunately her timing was off due to a lack of depth perception.
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We tried to perform a 'Knock knock' joke, but you weren't in.
Please collect the punchline from our depot between 9.58am & 10.03am.
Monday or Thursday.
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"Young man, I hope you know that I expect you to be back with my daughter before eight."
"Thats okay, sir. I'll be done with her by seven, I cant speak for my friend Russell though..."
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My new mate just explained cell division to me.
Apparently the bottom bunk is mine, and if I touch his, he'll beat the shit out of me.
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If Europe uses Euros, shouldn't Africa use Afros?
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Andrex extra soft toilet roll. Because sperm deserve to die comfortably.
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When my wife dies I'll be laughing all the way to the bank,
and to work, the pub, the shops..........
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Sky News : Marie Colvin - who has been killed in Syria - simply wanted to make the world a better place.
What dressed as a pirate?.
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Simon says jump!
Very good!
But Simon didn't say land so you're all out.
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I had an interview for a job in a restaurant.
The manager asked, "So, what would you bring to the table?"
"Whatever they ordered."
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Whilst I was repairing the tiles on the roof of my house, a scruffy looking girl knocked on the door.
"What do you want?" I shouted down.
"Could you come down mate?" replied the girl, "so I can tell you."
I unwilling and slowly climbed down the ladder.
"Well?" I replied, "what was the all important thing?"
"Could you give me a fiver so I can get some ciggies?" she begged.
I took a deep breath, thought about it for a moment, then climbed back up the ladder and told her to follow me up to the rooftop.
When we were both on the roof, I said,
"No"
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Sometimes I like to fill my bath with Skittles and pretend I'm Godzilla in a ball pit.
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A young boy starts a conversation with a priest.
He says, "God made the first man and woman, right?"
"Indeed." replies the priest.
"And....they were naked in the garden, right?"
"Well, yes." replies the priest, now eager to get away.
"And...God watched them, right?"
"Naturally." replies the priest, with a shocked expression.
"So God invented porn, right?!"
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This political correctness has gone mad.
I can't even refer to my child as "my disabled son" anymore.
Apparently these days the correct term is "daughter".
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I just saw the CocoPops advert.
I didn't know the factory was at the Eden Project.
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People say that your car is less likely to get broken into if you have rosary beads visible in your car.
Personally, I find that keeping an empty gun holster on the passenger seat works better.
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So Gary Barlow is to be the father of child number four.
Not the most creative name in the world, but the Beckhams are relieved to know that, at least, someone thinks 'Harper 7' was a good idea.
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SKY News: The Sunday Sun will begin to publish this weekend as a replacement for the scandal hit shit rag news of the world.
In other news, Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe will be released after he changed his name to 'Mr Fluffy, The Weekend Ripper'.
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My mate suffers with impotence & bulimia.
Poor fucker tried some Viagra last night and couldn't keep it down.
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I've got tickets for Arsenal's end of season party.
On Sunday.
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I just Googled "what do women REALLY want?"
My computer crashed.
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Just got fired from my first day at the hairdressers...
Apparently the lady wanted her hair permed.
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My mother used to smack me everytime I wet myself as a toddler.
She said it will help me control my bladder.
But when the reverse happens today I get restrained by the care home workers.
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Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy, men have to deal with women.
It's all about balance.
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This stupid diet that I'm on is awful!
I had diarrhoea on the way to work this morning.
I'd have preferred a Tracker.
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My 10-year old daughter drops a bomb at Sunday dinner:
"I'm not a virgin any more ..."
I turn to the wife: "That's your fault, you slut! Always flirting with other men, commenting on all the well-built men on telly, swearing like a trooper!"
I turn to my 17-year-old daughter: "And you, you're to blame as well! You shag any bloke with a dick, right in front of your little sister. Don't think I don't know about all the sex toys in the drawer of your bedside table!"
The wife turns to me: "Shut the fuck up! You spend half your wages on whores, groping them just before you come in the front door even if our wee daughter is watching. Since we got a DVD player, all you watch is porn! Even when our daughter's in the room! And I won't even mention the fucking PC and internet. Then there's your secretary who calls up and speaks to our daughter right after sucking your dick in the office ..."
The wife turns to our 10-year-old: "How could that happen, darling? Did someone seduce you, some boy at school?"
"No, Mum, I'm not a virgin any more, just someone who cries near Jesus on the cross."
Theres plenty of fish in the sea.
But I cant catch any.
I'm stuck here holding my rod.
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?".
The horse does not respond because it is a horse.
It can neither speak nor understand English.
It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.
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I always knew in the back of my mind that I'd get caught. But somehow, despite knowing how immoral it was, I just couldn't help myself. I rushed out, red-faced and panting, only to see my wife waiting at the door.
"You fucking disgust me!!" she screamed. "All we've been though, all these years; and you risk losing it all for some cheap meat?!!" she spat.
"I'm sorry!" I pleaded. "It won't happen again, I promise."
And with that, I walked out of LIDL, and we went to Tesco instead.
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My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes on Tuesday.
She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
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My mate applied for the England manager's job.
He knows he won't get it, but it keeps the dole people off his back for another couple of weeks.
Another mate that was a brilliant idea and applyed for the Wolves job.
He's got to go for an interview on Monday.
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"This is my step dad"
"It's nice son, but why on earth did you build one?"
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I noticed a group of people gathering in a circle on the street today.
Upon going over to investigate I saw a woman in labour laying on the pavement.
"Everybody, get out of the way!" I shouted.
"Are you a doctor?" asked an elderly lady, stepping to the side.
I said, "No, I just want to see her fanny."
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A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
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You know how boring it gets when an artist dies and they keep playing the same crappy songs over and over again?
Well, I still can't help wanting it to be Bieber next.
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Brit awards insiders revealed Adel had a massive shit in the toilets just before going on stage.
Who would have thought her and James Corden would get on so well?
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After a train crash in london, Police interview the train driver.
He said it was a chav's fault.
"What do you think he was doing on the track?"
"No, he was in the field but I got the bastard."
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Just got fired from my job as a Dentist.
Apparently removing teeth to make blowjobs better isn't cosmetic surgery.............or a necessary procedure.
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Uruguay has decided to get with the times so it's going to change it's captial city from Montevideo to Montebluray.
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The wife told me I should think about giving up alcohol for lent.
'If I have to give up alcohol, it means you will have to give up sex.'
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My wife walked up to me as I was stroking my balls.
"What are you doing?"
"I just read in a magazine that you should check for lumps daily"
"Do you need to have your pants all the way down?" she said,
"Of course" I said,
"In Sainsburys?"
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I heard on the radio this morning to expect long delays on the M25 because of Elaine Closure.
Fucking women drivers.
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Let's be honest, Volleyball is just a more intense version of don't let the balloon hit the floor.
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I can't seem to find the word Chameleon in the dictionary.
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Just walked in on my illiterate brother sobbing about how difficult his English exam is going to be. I gave him a big hug and said, "There, their they're."
He'll never noticed the difference.
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The builder who's meant to be doing my extension has done fuck all in 4 months.
It turns out, when he promised he'd be as busy as a beaver, he meant Susan Boyle's.
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A Christian asked me what it's like to be an Athiest.
I asked him if he beileved in Islam.
"No"
"It's like that."
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Just to create some irony.
I'm giving up christianity for lent.
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My seven year old son came down the stairs wearing a rucksack this morning.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Running away."
"Running away, hey?" I laughed, "And where are you running to?"
"Errrrrrr.....Spain."
"Very nice" I said, "It's lovely there. Where in Spain are you going?"
"I don't know, Mummy didn't say."
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My mum just said that Bruno Mars is a modern day Cliff Richard.
I'd have to agree, they're both wankers.
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Got this text from a mate:
After careful consideration I've decided i'm giving up using autocorrect on my iPhone for Kent.
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I've never subscribed to the notion that your elders automatically deserve respect.
Utter twats get old too.
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The Wife rang me the other day.
"Its Ash Wednesday, do you want Fish Fingers later?"
"No" I replied "Can you have a shower first"
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My boss reckons I'm a shit driver just because of one small incident when I went up a curb.
I've only been working for Virgin Rail for three weeks.
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I love risky games.
I play the Wii without the safety wrist band.
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I woke up on the hospital bed face down.
I looked at the doctor and said, "Whatever you are doing down there feels very uncomfortable."
He said, "I'm nearly finished, there's a camera up your bum."
"Why?" I asked.
"I've got no idea, but I've nearly got it out."
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"It's a boy!"
I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.
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Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
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During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level,
and so I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank
eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and
down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out
of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four
"leaks" behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an
outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."
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I came home early and found a naked man in my house. The bloke looked uncomfortable, but my wife told the most extraordinary story. She told me that the man was 'seeing' Tracey from upstairs and as her husband arrived early, in a panic he hid his clothes and sneaked downstairs and made a dart for our door. I sympathised with the bloke since I realised how awkward the situation must be, and to be fair, good on him. I gave him some of my clothes and enough money for a taxi. We also had a quiet laugh at Tracy's husband's expense on the way out.
The next day I was telling this quite extraordinary incident to mates down at the pub, when the cunts all burst out laughing. I knew what they were trying to make out, but after a bit I'd got a bit fed up with all the banter.
My oldest friend decided to pull me to one side and said,
"Mate, you've been taken for a ride there, stop showing yourself up."
I replied, "I know what you're trying to get at, it's not funny. It's just one of those scenarios... "
He interrupted my sentence with a big sigh, gazed at his pint for a few seconds then slowly looked back at me.
"Mate", he said, whilst pausing for a few more uncomfortable moments, "You live in a bungalow."