When a girl says: 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'.
What she really means is: 'I'm a fucking psycho'.
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You'd think that being a successful businessman my life would be great, but it's far from it. I can't find love anywhere. I've tried for years to settle down, but women just seem to be after my money mostly.
I can't carry on having my wallet stripped and my heart broken, so I'm going to go over the cliffs at Beachy Head in the car, I'm that fucking unhappy.
Mind you, I'm not as unhappy as my chauffeur.
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Spotify is linked with Facebook so your friends can see what you are listening to.
God help me the day Facebook connects with Google!
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News: Man who lost memory uses Facebook pictures to piece his life back together.
Or as I usually call that, "Sunday morning."
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An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
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I think my Nan's been cheating on my Grandad with an undertaker.
I could swear her clothes were on when she died.
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My Dad is addicted to playing golf.
This year, he's hit more balls than Katie Price's chin.
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I was hanging out in the pub today.
The barmaid told me to put my penis away and leave.
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As a party trick, I like to tell everybody I can lay an egg.
Then I pull down my trousers and shit out an egg I put in there earlier.
People usually throw up.
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I was admitted to a Scottish hospital last night and when on the ward the nurse gave me some pills...
Not my favourite lager but it helped with the pain.
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Does the "little Mermaid" wear an algebra?
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I got arrested for forcing Emo kids to eat Happy Meals.
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I don't see why everyone's going crazy for Mo Farah's mobot pose.
All he's done is ripped off a quarter of the YMCA.
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I'm quite surprised at the short amount of time, "Oh, you're so funny! I just love a man with a great sense of humour!"
changes to:
"What the fuck is wrong with you?! Is everything a fucking joke to you?!" in my relationships.
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My wife woke me up this morning and said, "Your alarm is going off."
"Fuck it," I mumbled, "I'll get up in 10 minutes."
"That's not a very good idea, is it?" she said, "Your alarm is set for a reason."
"Okay," I shouted, "I'm getting up now!"
"Too late," she replied, looking out of the window, "Your car has just been stolen."
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Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours.
Now I've calmed down, kidnap may have been excessive.
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Moors murderer Ian Brady said he wanted to send flowers to Keith Bennett's mother's funeral, but authorities have refused to inform him where she was being buried.
"See how he fucking likes it," said a spokesman.
Overly happy people really annoy me.
I'm moving back to Cloud Eight.
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My premature ejaculation problem is so bad even the Mayans saw me coming.
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Although my father and I worked together inventing the first rear view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.
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"I think you'd better take a seat"
"I'm fine thanks" I replied.
"No" he said, "you need to take a seat right now"
"I said I'm fine for god sake"
Anyway, that was the last time my mates took me with them to raid a furniture shop.
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A beautiful woman walked up to me in the bar and handed me a napkin.
"Call any time." she smiled.
I felt smug until I opened the napkin to find her plastic surgeon's business card.
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You know when you're getting old when you walk past a nightclub and you don't get offered a flyer.
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I watch a lot of Desperate houswives.
One of the perks of being a window cleaner.
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Someone should open a bar called "The Gym."
Then, I could be one of those annoying people on facebook that brags about going there everyday.
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"FREEZE, MOTHERFUCKER!" - An impatient ice cream maker.
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I'm never going to the gym hungover again.
I don't know what was worse, throwing up on the treadmill or jumping over it every 3 seconds for 20 minutes.
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I'm not quite sure why people keep summoning Batman with a spotlight still.
I mean it's 2012.
Just fucking text him.
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My next door neighbour is so ugly, I broke into her house to close the curtains.
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My Mum said if I worked hard and got a degree I wouldn't get a job in Mcdonalds.
She was right: I'm on the fucking dole.
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My dog keeps bringing watersports DVD's into the house.
He's a Golden Retriever.
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My girlfriend was worried after being late on her period, so she asked me to go to the supermarket and buy a pregnancy test.
When I got back, she took it into the bathroom and shut the door.
30 seconds later she emerged and said, "I can't do it."
"Don't be silly," I replied, rubbing her shoulder, "Of course you can."
"I can't," she said, handing it back to me, "This is toothpaste."
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I didn't have to wait long for the RAC man to turn up.
"Thanks for getting here so quickly," I said, "You're going to have to tow me home."
"What's the problem?" he asked.
"I've had about eight pints and I can't afford a taxi."
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I bet the hardest thing about being a gangsta rapper is never being able to really enjoy a curly wurly in public.
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I was with a mate in the pub when this girl came in.
"I wouldn't mind slipping her a couple of inches," I said.
He looked round at her, "Really? Why?"
"Because that's about all I've got if you must know."
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Sky News: Cher Lloyd hit with bottles of piss on stage.
Fucking hell, the X Factor judges have got much harsher since I last watched it.
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I always make watching paint dry more interesting by painting a huge pair of tits on the wall.
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I forgot to throw away the spoiled milk the other day.
Now it won't stop yelling at me until I buy it a pony.
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I've developed a device which encourages drivers to adhere to speed limits, brake smoothly and go round corners slower.
It's an over filled carrier bag of fast food which sits on the passenger seat.
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I'm never going to Scotland again.
I was beaten up for calling a deaf rugby team a bunch of queer twats.
I was only shooing away the fucking midges.