If Stephen Hawking talks into a fan does his voice sound normal?
=====
A blind man takes his blow-up doll to a crowded beach.
The lifeguard sees him and comes over, "You can't come here with a blow-up doll!"
"Shit," says the blind guy. "That means I've been fucking my rubber dinghy all winter."
=====
You know you watch too much tv when you turn up to a party an hour after everyone else because it says "+1" on the invite.
=====
Kolo Toure "Drugs ban made me stronger"
No Kolo, I think you'll find that was the drugs.
=====
I was in Tesco earlier and the cashier said she felt like a zombie.
Better safe than sorry I thought, so I shot her in the head.
=====
Guess who I bumped into at specsavers today?
Everyone.
=====
Talk about double standards.
When the cat brings dead birds home, my Mum puts it outside in the garden.
But when I do it she phones the police.
=====
The Sun: Man gets life for murdering fiancee.
Surely that should read "Gets life back"
=====
To save millions of tax payers money at Dale Farm, I reckon they should send in Anders Breivik.
=====
My mates dog has been trained to sniff drugs.
It's hilarious, he can even roll up his own £20 note.
=====
I met a girl on a dating website and we went out on our first date to the seaside, she was horrified when I whipped my dick out on the shore and started pleasuring myself.
Apparently she thought "long wanks on the beach" was a typo.
=====
I was going to open a Twitter account called "shitmywifesays"
But then I realised I would have to start paying attention when she talks.
=====
I stopped at the motorway services on my way home from work last night and got myself the £5 meal deal.
It was a twix.
=====
A chav came up to me in the street earlier.
"Got a spare fag I can rob off you mate?" He asked.
"I'm afraid I haven't," I replied.
"Ok," he frowned. "What about a phone, or a wallet?"
=====
BBC news: Solution to evicting Gypsies from Dale farm could cost government £12 million.
It better be a fucking good flame thrower for £12m.
=====
I was clearing out my late German Grandfather's closet and decided to give all his old clothes to the local charity shop.
I handed over the bag of clothes to the shop assistant who was rummaging through it when a horrified expression formed on her face.
"How dare you bring this uniform in to my shop" she exclaimed angrily. "This is a symbol of pain, shame and humiliation."
Hugely embarrassed at this turn of events, I quickly took back the bag.
"I'm truly sorry" I said. "I had no idea he was an Arsenal fan."
=====
After the explosion I realised my Afghanistan neighbour's warning wasn't just a poorly spelled. message.
Yesterday I laughed at the text he sent me.........."Mined your step."
=====
I went up to a girl in a club and said, "They call my dick Nova"
She said, "Ooooo,as in Casanova?"
I said, "No, Vauxhall Nova, it's small and unreliable"
=====
FIFA = Football Isn't For Arsenal.
=====
"I was aiming to give your mother a facial." - Emile Heskey explaining to his children how they were conceived.
=====
Dear, I don't think you should be watching Spongebob...
Why, Mom?
Well, he is super absorbent and lives in bikini bottom...
And?
Dear, Spongebob is a tampon.
=====
If Dettol only kills 99.9% of bacteria, surely you just use it twice.
=====
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
''Where's my tractor?''
=====
A blind man takes his blow-up doll to a crowded beach.
The lifeguard sees him and comes over, "You can't come here with a blow-up doll!"
"Shit," says the blind guy. "That means I've been fucking my rubber dinghy all winter."
=====
You know you watch too much tv when you turn up to a party an hour after everyone else because it says "+1" on the invite.
=====
Kolo Toure "Drugs ban made me stronger"
No Kolo, I think you'll find that was the drugs.
=====
I was in Tesco earlier and the cashier said she felt like a zombie.
Better safe than sorry I thought, so I shot her in the head.
=====
Guess who I bumped into at specsavers today?
Everyone.
=====
Talk about double standards.
When the cat brings dead birds home, my Mum puts it outside in the garden.
But when I do it she phones the police.
=====
The Sun: Man gets life for murdering fiancee.
Surely that should read "Gets life back"
=====
To save millions of tax payers money at Dale Farm, I reckon they should send in Anders Breivik.
=====
My mates dog has been trained to sniff drugs.
It's hilarious, he can even roll up his own £20 note.
=====
I met a girl on a dating website and we went out on our first date to the seaside, she was horrified when I whipped my dick out on the shore and started pleasuring myself.
Apparently she thought "long wanks on the beach" was a typo.
=====
I was going to open a Twitter account called "shitmywifesays"
But then I realised I would have to start paying attention when she talks.
=====
I stopped at the motorway services on my way home from work last night and got myself the £5 meal deal.
It was a twix.
=====
A chav came up to me in the street earlier.
"Got a spare fag I can rob off you mate?" He asked.
"I'm afraid I haven't," I replied.
"Ok," he frowned. "What about a phone, or a wallet?"
=====
BBC news: Solution to evicting Gypsies from Dale farm could cost government £12 million.
It better be a fucking good flame thrower for £12m.
=====
I was clearing out my late German Grandfather's closet and decided to give all his old clothes to the local charity shop.
I handed over the bag of clothes to the shop assistant who was rummaging through it when a horrified expression formed on her face.
"How dare you bring this uniform in to my shop" she exclaimed angrily. "This is a symbol of pain, shame and humiliation."
Hugely embarrassed at this turn of events, I quickly took back the bag.
"I'm truly sorry" I said. "I had no idea he was an Arsenal fan."
=====
After the explosion I realised my Afghanistan neighbour's warning wasn't just a poorly spelled. message.
Yesterday I laughed at the text he sent me.........."Mined your step."
=====
I went up to a girl in a club and said, "They call my dick Nova"
She said, "Ooooo,as in Casanova?"
I said, "No, Vauxhall Nova, it's small and unreliable"
=====
FIFA = Football Isn't For Arsenal.
=====
"I was aiming to give your mother a facial." - Emile Heskey explaining to his children how they were conceived.
=====
Dear, I don't think you should be watching Spongebob...
Why, Mom?
Well, he is super absorbent and lives in bikini bottom...
And?
Dear, Spongebob is a tampon.
=====
If Dettol only kills 99.9% of bacteria, surely you just use it twice.
=====
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
''Where's my tractor?''
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?"
Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "You could have at leasr ironed it first."
=====
A man goes into church, and sits in the confessional. He says to the priest "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. Whilst I was on holiday, I cheated on my wife with two 21 year old Russian girls."
The priest replies "Take a whole lemon, cut it in half, and squeeze the juice into a glass. Then drink the glass."
"Will that purge me of my sins?" said the man.
"No" said the priest "But it will wipe the fucking smile off your face."
=====
Last night I broke into the depot and cut all their brake cables to teach those sick perverts a lesson.
I'm not standing for some fucking paedophile bus company regarding my daughter as an adult the minute she becomes 14.
=====
Sky News:'Welsh rugby team wear black armbands as mark of respect for drowned miners'.
I think it's slightly too late for armbands.
=====
At its current rate of evolution, the 2013 X-Factor will be a karaoke contest in a terminal illness ward.
=====
A message of hope to all Arsenal fans;
Every single year a team makes a 2nd half of the season surge towards the top 4.
With any luck, you might be able to play against them before they get good.
=====
I walked into a shop that had a sex machine.
So I tried it and it was amazing.
I went in again the next day and used the machine again, but this time my penis was bitten off.
I said to the owner of the shop, ''Oi mate! Your machine just bit my knob off!''
He said, ''Oops, I must have put the dog in the wrong way round this morning.''
=====
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
"Party woo."
"Party woo who."
"That's the spirit."
=====
Arsenal's new sponsor is Thomas Cook... because their season ends in October too.
=====
Are the "voices" that deaf schizophrenics hear in sign language?
=====
BBC News: Woman called man 65,000 times.
And I thought my nickname was shit.
=====
I dropped a bar of soap this morning, so I bent down to pick it up while wiggling my bare arse at the bloke next to me.
I'm now banned from Boots.
=====
Primark's New Slogan:
Clothes make the man. (Children make the clothes.)
=====
BBC News: The Queen receives two human turds through the post a year.
Who's sending the other one?
=====
My 7 year old asked me to make it a bit more exciting when i picked him up from school. Apparently screaming "GET IN THE FUCKING VAN!!" while wearing a balaclava wasn't what he had in mind.
=====
My virgin mate just pulled a girl while we were on holiday in Thailand.
He said, "We're off back to the hotel room, if you know what I mean, any advice?"
I said, "Yeah, make sure she wears a condom."
=====
If only Imogen Thomas had been around last week.
She knows how to drain a Welsh shaft.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?"
Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "You could have at leasr ironed it first."
=====
A man goes into church, and sits in the confessional. He says to the priest "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. Whilst I was on holiday, I cheated on my wife with two 21 year old Russian girls."
The priest replies "Take a whole lemon, cut it in half, and squeeze the juice into a glass. Then drink the glass."
"Will that purge me of my sins?" said the man.
"No" said the priest "But it will wipe the fucking smile off your face."
=====
Last night I broke into the depot and cut all their brake cables to teach those sick perverts a lesson.
I'm not standing for some fucking paedophile bus company regarding my daughter as an adult the minute she becomes 14.
=====
Sky News:'Welsh rugby team wear black armbands as mark of respect for drowned miners'.
I think it's slightly too late for armbands.
=====
At its current rate of evolution, the 2013 X-Factor will be a karaoke contest in a terminal illness ward.
=====
A message of hope to all Arsenal fans;
Every single year a team makes a 2nd half of the season surge towards the top 4.
With any luck, you might be able to play against them before they get good.
=====
I walked into a shop that had a sex machine.
So I tried it and it was amazing.
I went in again the next day and used the machine again, but this time my penis was bitten off.
I said to the owner of the shop, ''Oi mate! Your machine just bit my knob off!''
He said, ''Oops, I must have put the dog in the wrong way round this morning.''
=====
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
"Party woo."
"Party woo who."
"That's the spirit."
=====
Arsenal's new sponsor is Thomas Cook... because their season ends in October too.
=====
Are the "voices" that deaf schizophrenics hear in sign language?
=====
BBC News: Woman called man 65,000 times.
And I thought my nickname was shit.
=====
I dropped a bar of soap this morning, so I bent down to pick it up while wiggling my bare arse at the bloke next to me.
I'm now banned from Boots.
=====
Primark's New Slogan:
Clothes make the man. (Children make the clothes.)
=====
BBC News: The Queen receives two human turds through the post a year.
Who's sending the other one?
=====
My 7 year old asked me to make it a bit more exciting when i picked him up from school. Apparently screaming "GET IN THE FUCKING VAN!!" while wearing a balaclava wasn't what he had in mind.
=====
My virgin mate just pulled a girl while we were on holiday in Thailand.
He said, "We're off back to the hotel room, if you know what I mean, any advice?"
I said, "Yeah, make sure she wears a condom."
=====
If only Imogen Thomas had been around last week.
She knows how to drain a Welsh shaft.