If a man is willing to shave his legs and chest.
He might as well shave his vagina too.
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Every girl uses Y.O.L.O. until you mention anal.
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Why is it okay to kill a cow but the second you have sex with it, it is animal cruelty?
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"You know that letter I wrote to The Times?" I asked my wife.
"Yeah, the one about Traffic Wardens." she said.
"They've written to say it was unfit for publication."
"Did they say why?" she asked."No, but you know what The Times is like, I probably spelt 'cunts' wrong."
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Russian Roulette - you win some, you lose one.
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My misses loves movember.
People think she is doing it for charity.
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"I'll waken you in the morning with a blowjob, then while you have a shower I'll make you a big fried breakfast and in the afternoon, you can go to the pub to watch the football with your mates."
"What a brilliant life," I thought as I closed my book,said goodnight to the bitch I married and started to cry myself to sleep."
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Buddhist football chant, "You're going home in a cosmic ambience!"
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The Mayan calendar predicts after a 5125 year cycle dating back to 3114BC the world is going to end...
The Ancient prophecy is the set to happen on 21st December 2012...
The events have sparked fear into many peoples lives as to whether or not this is true...
But my main concern is. Will advent calendars be cheaper this year?
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"I'm really sorry to bring you the sad news but your wife got hit by a bus" said the cop at my front door.
"But I don't have a wife" I said.
Turns out that not only did I have a wife, I've also got alzheimers.
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I was admitted to the hospital yesterday, with multiple head wounds.
That'll be the last time I let a girl with braces give me a blow job.
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I got a knock on my door today.
The man said, "I'm really sorry but I think I've ran over your dog, I didn't even see it coming."
I looked out and saw my dog laying motionless on the road.
"For fuck's sake," I said, "I don't even know how he got out."
"What do you want me to do?"
I replied, "Just put him back in the bin, mate."
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I'm moving house, so I'm collecting loads of cardboard boxes.
The sooner I move the better, police are beginning to ask questions about all the dead homeless people.
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Jimmy Savile is now posthumously being sued by Apple too.
Apparently they have the patent on touching.
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BBC News: A petition for Scotland to be granted independence has attracted 1 million signatures.
And that's just from England.
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I made a joke about the Gaza strip earlier, but it Israeli inappropriate.
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I used to smoke behind the bike shed at my old school.
Fuck knows why. It's a 10 mile walk from my office.
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I've just bought a new car in sperm-white.
Now I can touch up smaller scratches by myself.
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There has been a surge in the number of people jogging in Liverpool since a local health campaign claimed you would receive loads of new benefits if you started keeping fit.
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You know you take masturbating seriously when your wank socks have names.
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I'm known as quite the rebel.
Last week I had Aunt Bessie's mid-week roasties on a Sunday.
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My wife didn't find it funny when I got really drunk and puked on her mother.
She just burst in to tears and ran out of the graveyard.
I should have called my son Scotland.
He bleats on about wanting independence, even though I know he'll be asking me for a handout when he fucks things up on his own.
Plus he's shit at football.
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I've just received a phone call from British Gas, he said "how would you like to save hundreds of pounds a year on your bills?"
I said "yeah great"
So he sold me a fleece.
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As a stunning blonde slowly washed her mouth out with my cum, I smiled to myself and thought, "I'm the most perverted dentist ever."
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An egg timer is an incredibly useful device to have.
For example it allows me to accurately predict the amount of time I can afford to have my fucking central heating on each day.
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Apparently Lady Gaga's developed a nut allergy.
Guess that explains the recent rash on her inner thighs.
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So Whitney Houston has released a 'Best of' album.
Not as if she is going to get any better is it?
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According to fellow band members, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler handles a pen very femininely.
Rumour has it he doodles like a lady.
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Every night my Grandad looks at his watch, then looks at my Nan and says, "You're late!"
He reckons that joke is the only reason he kept her ashes.
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On-line information search "google it"
On-line pornography search "go ogle it"
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Sky Sports News: Experts have worked out that by 2015 you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.
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Time is the greatest healer.
Unless you were molested by Jimmy Savile 40 years ago, then the solution appears to be money
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I went to the job centre to see about some work over the Christmas period and got offered the Chelsea job.
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If a man is willing to shave his legs and chest...
He might as well shave his vagina too.
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I've just realised that "strap on" backwards is "no parts".
How's that for a coincidental irony.
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BBC News: Nasa's Mars Curiosity rover team has reportedly made a 'startling' discovery on the Red Planet, which is not being revealed at the moment.
A tenner says it's a plumber from Poland.
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What does Roberto Di Matteo and a Ladyboy have in common?
Two cups and the sack.
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This Twilight movie was the aboslute best out of all of them!
It's the last fucking one.
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EXHAUSTIPATED - Noun, for when one is too tired to give a shit.
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How many Liverpool fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just sit around reminiscing about the last one.
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"How much is this painting?" I asked in the art gallery.
"It's marked up at £50,000." he told me.
"Can I make you a serious offer?"
"I'm listening." he said.
"£10 and this place won't go up in flames tonight."
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It's my girlfriend's birthday next week so I asked her what she wanted.
"Something I can drive would be nice." she smiled.
Golf ball it is then.
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I've got a cock like a Shire Horse.
It's even got hooves.
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I'm fed up with all the crap that's on the telly nowadays.
I'm going to do some spring cleaning, and reassess my toilet habits.
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I was out clothes shopping when I tried to squeeze into a sexy jumper.
But after a four storey fall from the car park, there was no chance.
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How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?
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If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.
If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.
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I'm off to Susan Boyle's album launch after being invited online.
I can't fucking wait!
Susanalbumparty.com
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I took to animal cruelty like a duck to lighter fluid.
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Sky Sports News: David Beckham has no plans to play football in Australia.
He said after watching The Sound of Music, he doesn't fancy the place.
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I caught my neighbour's dog having a shit in my garden this morning so I posted it through his letterbox.
Well, not all of it. Just the legs and tail.