If Amanda Holden gets one more facelift, she's going to have to start brushing her teeth with Vagasil.
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Why doesn't Viagra work on chavs?
Because they only get hard when they've got ten mates behind them.
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It's now been 5 1/2 days since Arsenal last won a trophy.
WENGER OUT!
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Sky Sports News: Mohamed Al Fayed has blamed Fulham's relegation this season on them removing the statue of Michael Jackson that he'd put up.
Well at least he didn't blame it on the sunshine.
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I deserve a MUCH greater sense of entitlement than the one I actually have.
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I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy"
I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself.
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2 Girls,1 cup.
Taking recycling one step too far.
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Old McDonald had a farm. EU, EU,.....Oh.
Old McDonald no longer has a farm.
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I was out with my new girlfriend when a mouse jumped out of nowhere, to impress her I jumped to her defence and hit it with a brick.
I'm now single.
And banned from Disneyland.
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My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once.
But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.
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Mum: "This place looks like a bomb site!"
Son: "I did say moving to Beirut was a bad idea."
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My mate's just told me that his wife has filed for divorce after he murmured the name of her twin during sex.
Brian.
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I was rather shocked when I woke up with a cock in my mouth this morning.
It's not as bad as it sounds though, it was mine.
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A carrier is someone who doesn't show symptoms of an illness but can pass it to people they come into contact with.
For example, David Cameron is a carrier for Tourettes.
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Some bully said to me "I'm gonna rearrange your spine"
"Brilliant!" I shouted. "Another penis!"
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For just once - JUST ONCE - I'd like to sit through an ad break without hearing Nicole Scherzinger fake an orgasm.
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BBC News: E-cigarettes can help you give up smoking.
I now buy my cigarettes online.
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Sky Sports News: Manchester United have quietly cancelled Marouane Fellaini's birthday celebrations and crossed their fingers.
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I tried making a documentary about the emo cult but had to abandon it.
Every time I shouted cut, it descended into chaos.
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There was an amazing hologram of Michael Jackson at the Billboard Music awards.
He performed a new song called "Slave to the Rhythm."
It was so realistic, Tito actually asked it for money.
BBC News: David Moyes is being investigated over an allegation he assaulted a man in a wine bar.
And people think he's not ready for the celtic job.
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I've just stuck a tenner on Prince Charles dying of radiation poisoning within the next month.
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Anyine else wonder if Piers Morgan thinks everybody who meets him has tourettes?
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The Daily Mail: Terrorist preacher Abu Hamza is expected to spend the rest of his life in an American Supermax prison.
Very violent places, those.
I hope he's got a good right hook on him.
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Ironically,the bloke who installed my new kitchen worktop got arrested for counterfeiting.
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What's fat and not fat?
Schrodinger's wife.
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Dear Middle Finger,
Thanks for sticking up for me so often.
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If I was a tramp I would still make sure I had a wallet or a coin purse.
I couldn't be arsed to carry a guitar case around with me everyday.
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BBC News: Alitalia, the national airline of Italy, is going to be bought out by British energy firm Powergen.
Does that mean they'll be rebranded as Genitalia?
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I see British scientists have invented a process that turns light into matter, although the results aren't visible to the human eye.
In that case, I invented it too.
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Jack & Jill went up the hill to vote in the election
Jack fell down & broke his crown
And died as there was no NHS
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This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube.
If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.
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You know, if you watch Godzilla backwards its about a benevolent lizard that rebuilds a city and moonwalks into the sea, like a big reptilian Michael Jackson.
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BBC Sports News: David Moyes questioned over an assault.
Clearly it's not about his pathetic title assault.
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I was at a family party last night and somebody suggested we play charades.
I must say though, watching my mum ,nan and grandad mime The human centipede was quite disturbing
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US Customs: "Hello sir, do you have anything in your luggage which may be used as a weapon?"
MacGyver: "Fuck"
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Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door
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People say I'm stingy.
Five pence says I'm not.