I didn't know Tulisa's last name was 'Contostavlos'.
I always thought it was 'from N-dubz'.
You live and learn.
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Twenty two identical sealed boxes and only one question.
What happened to the coach driver?
Too soon?
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My wife said that, for my birthday, I could reenact ANY film sex scene of my choosing.
I thanked her profusely and then politely informed her that my mate Ted and I would be going camping this weekend.
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I've put my wife on a weight loss programme as all she does all day is sit and watch TV.
I've sellotaped the remote control to the cat's back and bought a dog.
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"TEST YOUR INTELLIGENCE!"
Not hard.
Click on that advert and you're a fucking idiot.
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Tulisa has flat out denied that the sex tape going around is of her, but instead says that it is a fake.
I'm not suprised, I wouldn't want to take credit for such a shit blowjob either.
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A lot of people have said they feel sorry for Tulisa and what's happened to her.
I don't, I got 12 viruses trying to find the video and then when I thought I'd finally found it, I got fucking Rick Rolled.
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Just found out my wife has a heart murmer.
Fucking typical, even her organs won't shut up.
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My Xbox 360, the only thing in the house that doesn't play with itself.
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Last year, I turned 35..............Women into lesbians.
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This free version contains Ads.'
Ad: 'Buy the Ad free version.'
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Tulisa? Sex tape?
I thought that was her X-Factor audition.
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I can ejaculate sun cream.
But I don't like to rub it in.
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PornHub advertisement: SICK OF WANKING?
Evidently fucking not.
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My daughter's school teacher rang me today.
"Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today?" he said.
"I know, her mother died yesterday," I replied. "So she won't be back for a while."
"Sorry to hear that," he sighed. "How's she getting on?"
"Very well," I replied. "She's on her third lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner."
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A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."
The golfer glances at his golf bag.
"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.
"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance.
Only three of them have swimming pools."
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Apparently Fabrice Muamba thought he'd been in a 10 year coma when he woke up and heard that Torres has scored.
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"Must you really lick the knife?"
"Sorry, force of habit," I said, "Loads of people do it though, don't they?"
"Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor."
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If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I'd take the whole thing to court.
I mean, how hard can it be to overturn the testimony of four kids who talk to a dog?
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First Katie Price then Paris Hilton and now Tulisa.
When will these girls ever learn..........How to give a decent fucking blow job.
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"Daddy where do women keep their willies?"
"In the bedside cabinet son, in the bedside cabinet"
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A little bit of Monica in my life, a little bit of Erica by my side,
a little bit of Rita is all I need, a little bit of Tina is what I see
a little bit of Sandra in the sun, a little bit of Mary all night long.
Fuck me! I've just found John Terry's diary.
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I don't know what was more painful to watch.
The doctors removing my penis from the zip.
Or the mortified looks on the faces of George and Bungle.
"PUMP UP THE BASS!"
"PUMP IT UP!"
"YEAH, PUMP IT!"
I shouted as my kids were blowing up the inflatable fish.
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My mate just told me the whole NASA moon landing in 1969 was made in a Hollywood studio.
I actually believed him untill he then said the same thing about Star Wars.
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I've just finished watching the Tulisa sex tape and I for one don't know what all the fuss is about.
She's been starring in video's with two cocks for her whole career.
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Chuck Norris doesnt call the wrong number.
You answer the wrong phone.
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I saw this really cool caterpillar earlier so I decided to take it home.
My wife wasn't too happy about having a 45 ton digger on the drive though.
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Well, it's about fucking time someone from N-Dubs did something that doesn't just appeal to twelve year olds.
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I stayed at a really fancy five star hotel once.
The towels were so thick I could hardly shut my suitcase.
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The creator of Red Bull died earlier this week.
Coroners are still unable to close his eyes.
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I can't wait to see Titanic finally released in 3D, I think it'll really bring the story of the ill-fated liner to life.
Well that, and Kate Winslet's tits will be right in my face.
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When I'm bored, I like to send an unsigned postcard from Portugal to Kate and Gerry.
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Anagram of Tulisa Contostavlo.
So a vocalist. No slut.
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I walked up to a woman in a club the other night and decided to test my charm.
'Are you a thief?' I asked.
She smirked and said, 'Because I stole your heart?'
'No, my wallet is missing and you have shifty eyes.
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After reading the obituaries in the newspaper, I've come to the conclusion of how I can live forever.
Don't have a lovely smile, don't be bubbly, don't be positive, don't be everybody's friend.
They seem to be the ones that go first.
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I always give money to charity, it just makes me feel good.
Especially when she's rubbing her tits in my face.
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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, "What's going on?"
"You tell me?" replied my wife.
I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."
"A stranger, hey?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"
I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
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I just had a job interview where I made it clear that I would happily work for a fraction of the wage demanded by the other candidates.
I think that puts me in pole position.
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Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
Proof that sorry isn't the hardest word to say.
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Ladies, if you love a man, set him free.
If he comes back he will be yours forever.
If he doesn't the new chick probably does anal.
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I've just seen the Tulisa video and I don't know what everyone is complaining about.
I found the bit when she breaks down over her Mum's bi-polar disease extremely arousing.
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At first I didn't believe the doctor when he told me I had OCD.
So I asked him to repeat it...........Twenty seven times.
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Irony.
Tulisa taking out a gagging order over a video of her giving a blow job.
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I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking.
Fucking disgusting behaviour, nearly put me off my sandwich.
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It would be the best joke ever if The Hunger Games movie was about 4 Hippos eating white marbles.
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What is four inches long and only goes in one direction?
Simon Cowell's cock.
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The wife went to the doctor's and complained she had an arse like a horse. The doctor took his prescription pad and started writing.
"A prescription, Doctor?"
"No, it's a permit allowing you to crap in the street."
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Now I'm not saying I have a big dick, but when you cut it in half you can tell how old I am.
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An English, Irish and Scottish man were arguing on the hospital ward who was the most careless.
The English guy said, "I'm the most careless, this morning I ramped a pavement and went head on into a wall, totally writing my car off, and now I have to wear this neck brace."
"Wow that is careless." Said the Scottish man, "Not as careless as me though. This morning I drove straight through a red light and into the side of a van. My car is a write off and I've fractured my shoulder."
"That is careless." Said the Irish man, "Not as careless as me though. This morning I took a corner too fast, spiraled out of control, went straight into a lamppost and broke both of my legs."
"That is careless." Said the English man, "But what happened to your car?"
"Car? I was walking."