What do you call a suicidal Chinese man standing on a ledge?
Li Ping Nao.
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My roof is ill.
It has shingles.
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A lesbian has moved in right across the road from me and has taken to walking round nude with her curtains open. She is fucking horrible, massive gut and a wirewool minge.
Her mate turned up, who was worse and took her clothes off too.
Before you know it they were at it, sucking, licking, the lot.
I felt sick to my stomach.
Most disgusting wank I've ever had.
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You have to hand it to the first person who invented cheese.
If it wasn't for them I'd have no clue what my cock and feet smelt like.
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Imagine how rich you would be if you'd have invented hindsight.
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I went on Mastermind recently. As I took my seat in the famous black chair host John Humphrys asked, "Specialist subject?"
"Celebrity paedophiles from 1970's to Present day."
"What?"
"Sorry! I mean The BBC."
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ITV's "The Chase" - the only time ever that someone not holding cake gets successfully chased and caught by a fat person.
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BBC News: Prince Andrew the Duke of York to answer claims of sex orgy with nine teenage girls.
Next he'll be denying he had ten thousand men.
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The Sun lying about page 3 is nothing new.
"Zoe" from Kent has been 24 for the past 8 years.
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The economy must be picking up.
I've just popped into my local wine bar and its now a bank.
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Why does everyone say women are the fairer sex?
If that were the case, I would actually be able to win an argument.
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I love being in police line ups.
Whenever I have to step forward I sing 'flying without wings' and pretend I'm in a boy band.
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I just noticed Celebrity Big Brother is made by a company called Endemol.
I'd love to Endemol.
With a fucking shotgun.
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I tried snorting coke for the first time last night.
Never again.
Fucking bubbles gave me a migraine.
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So a campaign has been launched to get the findings of the Chilcot Inquiry into the Iraq war made public before the General Election.
I'll save you all the trouble. It was Tony Blair, in the House Of Commons, with the Bullshit.
I've dreamt of having a 12 inch cock ever since I was teenager.
And on cold mornings like this it shrinks so badly it could become a reality.
I fucking wish.
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God couldn't have had much of an imagination if all he could come up with was a plague of locusts.
Especially when some idiot from Hollywood thought up Sharknado.
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What has three legs and four arms?
My shit drawing of a snake when I was 5.
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My girlfriend and I were arguing last night.
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out that door!" I said, pointing.
"That's the closet."
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I took the Eminem CD I'd bought back to the shop, because there was nothing on it.
"Did you open it?" asked the assistant.
"Of course I did," I said.
"Well, there's your problem," he said. "You've removed the wrapper.
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So, Page three models are to no longer be shown in The Sun, as according to some, "Children can be influenced by photographs they see every day in a so-called 'family paper'."
Utter horseshit.
I was never adversely affected, and my mum's been buying The Sun since I was about tits years old.
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Katie Price's first task in Celebrity Big Brother is to not get pregnant or married in the next three weeks.
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My mum said, "You treat this place like a hotel!"
She'll regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.
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There has been panic at Channel 5 after 'The Sun' has abolished Page 3.
Where are they going to find 'celebrities' for next years 'Big Brother' now?
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My mate is so cross eyed that he shaves without a mirror.
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I can't believe Anne Kirkbride has died aged just 60.
I thought she was at least 80.
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They say that, throwing money at a problem has never solved the problem.
Unless the problem was not having enough money in the first place.
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I regard both of my children as absolute miracles.
The miracles being that women actually had sex with me on two separate occasions.
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I have a measured IQ of 140 which puts me in the very superior intelligence level.
And it only cost me £3.50 plus one standard rate text message to find out.
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Martin Luther King had a dream and he gets a national holiday in his memory.
I had a dream and all I get is some stained fucking bed sheets.
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William Roache wanted time off.
Arrested for rape a week later.
Anne Kirkbride was so exhausted she was looking to quit Coronation Street.
Dead a week later.
ITV don't fuck around.
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BBC News: 'Anti IS coalition meets in London'
Fucking hell, the grammar police are getting serious.
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The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the Pope."
St. Peter: Who? There's no such name in my book.
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me."
The Pope: "I'm the leader of the Catholic Church."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus."
(Yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud.
After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"