_I've bought a Pete Doherty Christmas tree.
It keeps dropping needles and I won't be surprised if it's dead by Boxing Day.
=====
Apparently a "healthy sex life" doesn't involve a lot of vegetables.
=====
I scooped a big pile of dog's shit up and walked in to the police station with it and dropped it on the counter.
The officer said, "What the hell are you doing?"
"That was left outside, I just brought it here in case somebody lost it."
"Well it's certainly not ours."
"It is in 3 days if nobody claims it."
=====
John Terry's mates are very nervous looking at Suarez's ban.
Just imagine Terry sat around for 2 months with nothing to do.
=====
At University, they used to call me "the janitor".....because I was the janitor.
=====
A women that isn't comfortable watching you masturbate shouldn't have sat next
to you on the bus in the first place.
=====
New statistics out show that 50% of workers would have sex with a co-worker at a Christmas party.
The other 50% were women
=====
I've hjust played Cluedo, the Lesbian Edition
Miss Scarlett did it with Nurse White in the swimming pool with the candlestick
=====
I was feeling really festive watching the fire place channel on my flat screen tv.
Until I got confused and tried to throw another log in.
=====
I've just made some serious money.
I took a fiver and drew a furrowed brow on the Queen.
=====
What a girl wants: A loving boyfriend who is funny, caring, good-looking, who cares for others and puts his girlfriend first.
What a boy wants: A vagina with a pint in it.
=====
Kim Jong Il died leaving North Korea to his son.
That's like your dad giving you a car, after he's crashed it into a tree, with a dead woman in the back seat and a bag of coke in the glove compartment.
=====
At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
=====
A Jewish girl flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.
=====
A lot of people I know have set their facebook relationship status to 'Married to Jesus' and posted 'HE IS THE ONLY MAN I WILL EVER LOVE!!!!!!' etc and get lots of likes saying 'You go girl' and 'I agree 100%'. I thought I would do the same on my profile.
I can't for the life of me understand why putting my status as 'In a civil partnership with Allah' has got me hate mail.
====
The Sun : 'Broody Mum Treats Toy Doll Like a Real Baby.'
I guess it's snappier than my version. 'Woman Has Mental Problems.'
=====
Just bought Cluedo: Swingers Edition
Turns out they all did it, in every room.
=====
I can't put into words how much I love my wife.
I'm illiterate.
=====
Following their failure to lift the FIFA Club World Cup, Qatari club Al Saad have sacked their referee and fined Sepp Blatter two weeks' wages.
=====
I can't believe nobody even congratulated me on the hat trick I scored today.
Although I guess it would have been a bit more impressive if we hadn't lost 2-1.
=====
My wife said to me earlier, "Right, I've made up my mind about breast reduction surgery."
"OK," I replied, with some trepidation.
"Yes," she said, "I definitely want you to have it done."
=====
I said to my wife; "You're like an animal in bed."
"Why?" She replied with a wink, "Is it because I'm fast and aggressive?"
"No" I said, "those stretch marks make you look like a fucking Zebra."
=====
You know you're fat when you drop something and think to yourself "Do I really need it?"
=====
They nicknamed me 'Obama' at the supermarket where I work on tills.
People expect change, but I just can't give it to them.
=====
I just played Cluedo, the Bandwagon Edition
Everyone did it, with copy and paste ,on the internet
=====
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because he doesn't have a girlfriend
=====
Is it wrong to see three people in wheelchairs line up and automatically think..........drag race! ! ! !
=====
My company's Christmas party had an Army theme.
I went Commando.
=====
SKY News: David Beckham likely to join Paris Saint Germain.
Victoria can't wait as she's desperate to not try French food.
=====
I killed, cooked and ate my mother in law yesterday. Just one of the many advantages of being married to a chicken.
=====
I was arrested after I was caught shagging a sheep in a farmers field last night.
The policeman who interviewed me this morning said, "What you did was completely unacceptable."
I said, "I know, but in my defence it was very dark and I was drunk, I had no idea that it was a sheep."
"What the hell did you think it was?" he shouted.
"A goat."
=====
What's the difference between Katie Price and a watch?
A watch fits tightly around a man's wrist.
=====
I just played, Cluedo: The McCann's Edition.
Apparently it's not the parents, in the cafe with witnesses
=====
It wasn't until the flames engulfed his body that pinnochio realised wooden puppets shouldn't masturbate.
=====
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Thrush.
It keeps dropping needles and I won't be surprised if it's dead by Boxing Day.
=====
Apparently a "healthy sex life" doesn't involve a lot of vegetables.
=====
I scooped a big pile of dog's shit up and walked in to the police station with it and dropped it on the counter.
The officer said, "What the hell are you doing?"
"That was left outside, I just brought it here in case somebody lost it."
"Well it's certainly not ours."
"It is in 3 days if nobody claims it."
=====
John Terry's mates are very nervous looking at Suarez's ban.
Just imagine Terry sat around for 2 months with nothing to do.
=====
At University, they used to call me "the janitor".....because I was the janitor.
=====
A women that isn't comfortable watching you masturbate shouldn't have sat next
to you on the bus in the first place.
=====
New statistics out show that 50% of workers would have sex with a co-worker at a Christmas party.
The other 50% were women
=====
I've hjust played Cluedo, the Lesbian Edition
Miss Scarlett did it with Nurse White in the swimming pool with the candlestick
=====
I was feeling really festive watching the fire place channel on my flat screen tv.
Until I got confused and tried to throw another log in.
=====
I've just made some serious money.
I took a fiver and drew a furrowed brow on the Queen.
=====
What a girl wants: A loving boyfriend who is funny, caring, good-looking, who cares for others and puts his girlfriend first.
What a boy wants: A vagina with a pint in it.
=====
Kim Jong Il died leaving North Korea to his son.
That's like your dad giving you a car, after he's crashed it into a tree, with a dead woman in the back seat and a bag of coke in the glove compartment.
=====
At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
=====
A Jewish girl flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.
=====
A lot of people I know have set their facebook relationship status to 'Married to Jesus' and posted 'HE IS THE ONLY MAN I WILL EVER LOVE!!!!!!' etc and get lots of likes saying 'You go girl' and 'I agree 100%'. I thought I would do the same on my profile.
I can't for the life of me understand why putting my status as 'In a civil partnership with Allah' has got me hate mail.
====
The Sun : 'Broody Mum Treats Toy Doll Like a Real Baby.'
I guess it's snappier than my version. 'Woman Has Mental Problems.'
=====
Just bought Cluedo: Swingers Edition
Turns out they all did it, in every room.
=====
I can't put into words how much I love my wife.
I'm illiterate.
=====
Following their failure to lift the FIFA Club World Cup, Qatari club Al Saad have sacked their referee and fined Sepp Blatter two weeks' wages.
=====
I can't believe nobody even congratulated me on the hat trick I scored today.
Although I guess it would have been a bit more impressive if we hadn't lost 2-1.
=====
My wife said to me earlier, "Right, I've made up my mind about breast reduction surgery."
"OK," I replied, with some trepidation.
"Yes," she said, "I definitely want you to have it done."
=====
I said to my wife; "You're like an animal in bed."
"Why?" She replied with a wink, "Is it because I'm fast and aggressive?"
"No" I said, "those stretch marks make you look like a fucking Zebra."
=====
You know you're fat when you drop something and think to yourself "Do I really need it?"
=====
They nicknamed me 'Obama' at the supermarket where I work on tills.
People expect change, but I just can't give it to them.
=====
I just played Cluedo, the Bandwagon Edition
Everyone did it, with copy and paste ,on the internet
=====
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because he doesn't have a girlfriend
=====
Is it wrong to see three people in wheelchairs line up and automatically think..........drag race! ! ! !
=====
My company's Christmas party had an Army theme.
I went Commando.
=====
SKY News: David Beckham likely to join Paris Saint Germain.
Victoria can't wait as she's desperate to not try French food.
=====
I killed, cooked and ate my mother in law yesterday. Just one of the many advantages of being married to a chicken.
=====
I was arrested after I was caught shagging a sheep in a farmers field last night.
The policeman who interviewed me this morning said, "What you did was completely unacceptable."
I said, "I know, but in my defence it was very dark and I was drunk, I had no idea that it was a sheep."
"What the hell did you think it was?" he shouted.
"A goat."
=====
What's the difference between Katie Price and a watch?
A watch fits tightly around a man's wrist.
=====
I just played, Cluedo: The McCann's Edition.
Apparently it's not the parents, in the cafe with witnesses
=====
It wasn't until the flames engulfed his body that pinnochio realised wooden puppets shouldn't masturbate.
=====
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Thrush.
_I can't help but think EA Sports missed a trick by using Rooney in their advert as the Man United player asking "what am I going to do
with a puppy?" rather than Park Ji Sung.
=====
Sometimes I send my parents Christmas cards from fictitious people just to see them struggle to think who it is.
=====
That sign in public toilets that reads "Please leave this bathroom as you found it." confused me for years.
Until my boss pointed out that it's not applicable to the cleaner.
=====
My relationship with my cat is very similar to the relationship with my wife.
Basically we fight a lot, and have sex once a week.
=====
My cock has seen plenty of action over the years.
Some horror, and even the odd comedy.
I'll wank to anything if I'm honest.
=====
My daughter asked me if it was alright to kiss a boy on the first date.
"Well your mother didn't kiss me until our third date." I told her. "Which made the sex on the first two dates very impersonal."
=====
Enjoy this Christmas like it's your last!
Yours sincerely,
Aztecs
=====
If you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs, you're probably drinking too slowly.
=====
When people ask me if i'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask them, if their hurting hard or hardly hurting!
=====
BBC News: David Cameron makes a pre-Christmas visit to Afghanistan:
Where's the fucking friendly fire when you need it?
=====
It was nice to see my 96 year old Grandma today.
She's received over 40 Christmas cards.
Although 22 were from her friend Ethel who has alzheimer's
=====
So Luis Suarez has been banned for 8 games by the F.A after been found guilty of using racist language towards Patrice Evra?
As an Aston Villa fan can I just point out that Emile Heskey is also racist.
=====
Piers Morgan is only being filmed from the waist up during the Leveson enquiry because his pants are obviously on fire.
=====
Two Essex girls are getting ready for bed on Christmas Eve. One goes to say goodnight to her housemate, and sees her in her room sleeping above the covers, spreadeagled and naked with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk at her crotch.
When the first girl asks "What are you doing?", the naked girl says "I don't know if it's a dream or not, but Santa always comes, eats the cookies and milk and then we have some wonderful hot sex."
The other girl says "I'm really horny, I'm going to try it too."
Next morning, the first girl is in the kitchen all aglow, whistling and making breakfast. When the second girl comes down, she looks like death warmed over.
The first girl says, "It happened again - Santa came, ate the cookies and milk, and we made glorious love. Look, he left me a note; 'Merry Christmas Tracey, thank you for being a naughty but nice girl again. See you next Christmas, Santa'."
The other girl says "I feel like shit, look at my note: 'Thanks, you were great - from Rudolph, Dasher, Prancer, Vixen...'"
=====
Curling irons have a warning tag that says "For External Use Only."
What sick bastard made that necessary?
=====
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
=====
Gaddafi, Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il have all died this year. Maybe Team America does exist.
=====
I suffer from numerical dyslexia.
I h4 it.
=====
A priest walked into a hotel and said to the receptionist "I hope the porn channels are disabled in my room."
"No they're normal, you sick fuck."
=====
The media are reporting Kim Jong Il died of fatigue.
You'd be tired too if you'd written 'Hamlet', cured polio, and won the Tour De France 19 times.
=====
I've finished all the chocolates in my advent calendar; why the fuck isn't it Christmas?
=====
Good news: Kim's dead.
Bad news: It's not one of the Kardashians.
=====
Amy Winehouse joined the "27 Club" of musicians who died at that age.
Now Kim Jong Il is in the "69 Club" of dictators along with Saddam Hussein and Colonel Gadaffi.
Which is a really unpleasant image.
=====
Don't believe anyone who advises you to get Christmas shopping done early to avoid the crowds.
This year I did mine a full twelve months early and the shops were as busy as ever.
=====
I've just been arrested for smashing something on the shop floor and refusing to pay for it.
How ridiculous is that?
Apparently Anne Summers have a policy where you're not allowed to test out a blow up doll before deciding if you want it.
=====
Irony - Calling the new subatomic particle which proves the big-bang theory 'God'.
=====
A policeman is about to arrest a prostitute, when she says..."I'm not selling sex. I'm selling condoms"
"With a free demonstration."
=====
Mate described my blind date as 'really tidy' and 'up for all sorts'.
Turns out to be an OCD girl who loves liquorice.
=====
I think unicorns are just horses that are shit at eating ice cream cones.
=====
Great news guys!
After its annual day-off, the DFS sale starts again tomorrow.
=====
Last Christmas I gave you my heart,
but the very next day you correctly pointed out that it could not be mine as I was still alive and your fiancé had been missing for a week.
with a puppy?" rather than Park Ji Sung.
=====
Sometimes I send my parents Christmas cards from fictitious people just to see them struggle to think who it is.
=====
That sign in public toilets that reads "Please leave this bathroom as you found it." confused me for years.
Until my boss pointed out that it's not applicable to the cleaner.
=====
My relationship with my cat is very similar to the relationship with my wife.
Basically we fight a lot, and have sex once a week.
=====
My cock has seen plenty of action over the years.
Some horror, and even the odd comedy.
I'll wank to anything if I'm honest.
=====
My daughter asked me if it was alright to kiss a boy on the first date.
"Well your mother didn't kiss me until our third date." I told her. "Which made the sex on the first two dates very impersonal."
=====
Enjoy this Christmas like it's your last!
Yours sincerely,
Aztecs
=====
If you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs, you're probably drinking too slowly.
=====
When people ask me if i'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask them, if their hurting hard or hardly hurting!
=====
BBC News: David Cameron makes a pre-Christmas visit to Afghanistan:
Where's the fucking friendly fire when you need it?
=====
It was nice to see my 96 year old Grandma today.
She's received over 40 Christmas cards.
Although 22 were from her friend Ethel who has alzheimer's
=====
So Luis Suarez has been banned for 8 games by the F.A after been found guilty of using racist language towards Patrice Evra?
As an Aston Villa fan can I just point out that Emile Heskey is also racist.
=====
Piers Morgan is only being filmed from the waist up during the Leveson enquiry because his pants are obviously on fire.
=====
Two Essex girls are getting ready for bed on Christmas Eve. One goes to say goodnight to her housemate, and sees her in her room sleeping above the covers, spreadeagled and naked with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk at her crotch.
When the first girl asks "What are you doing?", the naked girl says "I don't know if it's a dream or not, but Santa always comes, eats the cookies and milk and then we have some wonderful hot sex."
The other girl says "I'm really horny, I'm going to try it too."
Next morning, the first girl is in the kitchen all aglow, whistling and making breakfast. When the second girl comes down, she looks like death warmed over.
The first girl says, "It happened again - Santa came, ate the cookies and milk, and we made glorious love. Look, he left me a note; 'Merry Christmas Tracey, thank you for being a naughty but nice girl again. See you next Christmas, Santa'."
The other girl says "I feel like shit, look at my note: 'Thanks, you were great - from Rudolph, Dasher, Prancer, Vixen...'"
=====
Curling irons have a warning tag that says "For External Use Only."
What sick bastard made that necessary?
=====
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
=====
Gaddafi, Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il have all died this year. Maybe Team America does exist.
=====
I suffer from numerical dyslexia.
I h4 it.
=====
A priest walked into a hotel and said to the receptionist "I hope the porn channels are disabled in my room."
"No they're normal, you sick fuck."
=====
The media are reporting Kim Jong Il died of fatigue.
You'd be tired too if you'd written 'Hamlet', cured polio, and won the Tour De France 19 times.
=====
I've finished all the chocolates in my advent calendar; why the fuck isn't it Christmas?
=====
Good news: Kim's dead.
Bad news: It's not one of the Kardashians.
=====
Amy Winehouse joined the "27 Club" of musicians who died at that age.
Now Kim Jong Il is in the "69 Club" of dictators along with Saddam Hussein and Colonel Gadaffi.
Which is a really unpleasant image.
=====
Don't believe anyone who advises you to get Christmas shopping done early to avoid the crowds.
This year I did mine a full twelve months early and the shops were as busy as ever.
=====
I've just been arrested for smashing something on the shop floor and refusing to pay for it.
How ridiculous is that?
Apparently Anne Summers have a policy where you're not allowed to test out a blow up doll before deciding if you want it.
=====
Irony - Calling the new subatomic particle which proves the big-bang theory 'God'.
=====
A policeman is about to arrest a prostitute, when she says..."I'm not selling sex. I'm selling condoms"
"With a free demonstration."
=====
Mate described my blind date as 'really tidy' and 'up for all sorts'.
Turns out to be an OCD girl who loves liquorice.
=====
I think unicorns are just horses that are shit at eating ice cream cones.
=====
Great news guys!
After its annual day-off, the DFS sale starts again tomorrow.
=====
Last Christmas I gave you my heart,
but the very next day you correctly pointed out that it could not be mine as I was still alive and your fiancé had been missing for a week.