"You the bomb"
"No you the bomb"
Kind gesture in America.
A massive argument for extremists.
=====
A man was chatting to a girl in a bar when she noticed a bulging erection in his pants.
"Sorry about that," He said. "I just find the Irish accent an incredible turn on. What's your name, by the way?"
"Svetlana," she replied. "And yours?"
"Paddy."
=====
I just bought a sandwich from Greggs.
Turns out I've spent more than Arsene Wenger.
=====
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don't kill everyone.
=====
BBC News: The American government has admitted that Area 51 does exist.
I don't believe them.
=====
I've got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed.
He's missing an eye.
I've called him Alen.
=====
I had sex with an Australian the other day?
Ever since, my voice keeps rising at the end of my sentences?
I think it's a Sexually Transmitted Inflection?
=====
According to a Bear Grylls, you should drink your own urine when you're in a life or death situation.
I didn't believe him until last night, when I did the muggers threw up and ran away.
=====
I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."
He said, "Arsenal to win the Premiership."
=====
Beethoven playing to a crowd: 'Do y'all wanna hear some symphonies?!'
Crowd: '*Cheers!!!!!*'
Beethoven: 'I caaant heeear you!'
=====
What do you call a sheep up a welsh mountain with its head stuck in a fence?
A leisure center.
=====
Sky News: Pythons have been seized in an Ontario motel room.
They were caught when an argument over a dead parrot got out of hand.
=====
'Katie Price gives birth to an eight week premature baby'.
It says a lot about the state of your fanny when even your own baby can't wait to get the fuck out of there.
=====
I didn't get the IT job as apparently I'm not 'Tech savvy'.
I'm so annoyed, I'm getting my friend to send them an angry fax email thingy.
=====
How come PE is the only subject at school that doesn't require an exercise book?
=====
The Great Unanswered Question in Life: "At a movie theatre which arm rest is yours?"
=====
Arsene Wenger walks in to a brothel.
"How can we help you?" asked the attendant.
"Oh, I don't want anything," he replied, "and I don't want to spend anything, I just want people to think I do."
=====
I've got to stop drinking so much.
Last night I went to a bondage club and met 2 beautiful blonde sisters who said they were savage.
Next morning in the cold light of day I realised they had meant Lily and Robbie.
=====
I made a comment about a really fat gbloke in the pub.
He overheard, and started squaring up to me.
I had to go and stand in a corner, where I was out of his reach.
=====
A salesman knocked on my door today.
"Who currently provides your Internet?" he asked.
"My next door neighbour."
=====
When they die, Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
=====
All this bleating about some foreigner being detained for 9 hours without access to a lawyer.
It's only the same as they do abroad!
Except they call it a time-share presentation.
=====
I went to see the doctor about my erectile dysfunction.
"I even tried some of these little blue pills I bought off a bloke in the pub, but they didn't help either."
"Well they were never going to work," he said after a quick look.
"Why not? I paid a lot of money for them. I thought Viagra was supposed to be good?"
"It is, but I'm sorry to tell you that those are Skittles."
=====
I've never been much good with my timing.
Just as I asked the hot check out girl in Tesco if she was single she scanned my denture cleaner, Regaine and Anusol.
=====
"First You twist it , then you lick it ,and then you dunk it".
Just eat the fucking Oreo .
So our toilet has stopped working and I've been told it's a problem with the ballcock which is really easy to fix.
I've tried looking on Google but all results are blocked and I'm now on a register.
=====
I hate my job working in the reception at a doctors surgery.
Every time I call in sick they make me come in.
=====
My wife sent me a text yesterday "Hurry home babe, something arrived today that will spice up things in the bedroom xxx"
I wasn't best pleased when it turned out to be a penis enlarger.
=====
We were walking down a country lane when my girlfriend said, "Oh, look at that beautiful caterpillar."
Her obsession with plant machinery really pisses me off at times.
=====
I thought someone was stealing animals from the zoo.
Then we got them separate enclosures.
=====
Despite my A-Levels results being A,B,B,A, it seems no employer will take a chance on me.
=====
R.I.P Michael Stipe.
Only 2 people know about his death. That's me 'n the coroner.
=====
A girl came up to me in a bar and said, "Do you want me to show you a good time?"
Excitedly, I said, "Yes."
Then she ran 100m in 10.73 seconds.
=====
Every time I open a bottle of wine, I try and let it breathe.
But it never does.
So I immediately give it some mouth to mouth resuscitation.
=====
Knock Knock
Whose their?
The Grammar Police.
Bollocks.
=====
I just saw an advert in a window for a driving instructor which said "Learn to drive with the professionals."
Times must be hard for Bodie and Doyle.
=====
As I was driving past Katie Price's house earlier I thought to myself: "There's a joke in there somewhere."
=====
I just watched a guy walk up to my chav neighbours car and smash his windscreen with a 3-iron.
I shouted, "Hey! You shouldn't be doing that."
"What do you know?" He asked
Well I'm a caddy," I replied. "And when you're that close, you're supposed to use a putter."
=====
Apparently Arsene Wenger likes to watch porn backwards.
So he can see the prostitute hand the money back.
=====
It was horrible growing up with my mother Jessica Fletcher
I used to hate asking her for a note for school, as all she ever wrote on them was Murder .
=====
"What do you want to do with your life, Dave?" Asked the sarcastic Careers Advisor at school about ten years ago.
"Well", I replied, "I want to be the star of thousands of jokes and have a TV channel named after me".
Bet he feels a right dick now.
=====
Wentworth Miller, the star of Prison Break just announced that he is gay.
No wonder he got himself in prisons for four seasons.
=====
Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" apparently "super-romantic."
The Police don't agree.
=====
BBC News: Tesco have been fined £300,000 over misleading strawberry prices.
Or to put things into perspective, the cost of a strawberry at Wimbledon.
=====
A man knocked on my door earlier, campaigning to make fox hunting legal.
I let him get to the end of the path before I set my dogs on him.
=====
Doctor: "Do you have any trouble with continence?"
Patient: "No, I know all 7 of them."
=====
If there's one thing I learned growing up, it's that everyone has to pay for their own mistakes.
Except for the government.
Somehow you have to pay for theirs too.
=====
GCSEs: Who needs them?
I've been lying on my CV for years and no one has checked them.
B in maths? I can't even count to B.
=====
"What are you doing at the weekend?"
"I'm going to Mount Snowdon."
"Are you sure that's wise? He might leak it to the Guardian."
=====
"I would like to be treated as a woman" - Pte Bradley Manning
Yes, because 35 years in a woman's prison suddenly isn't so bad.
=====
My gorlfriend was nagging me and I hit her with an excellent counter argument.
Next time I'll say it out loud.
=====
Reminder
Monday - Buy a coffin
Tuesday - Buy a coffin
Wednesday - Buy a coffin
Thursday - Buy a coffin
Friday - Buy a coffin
Saturday - Buy a coffin
Sunday - Buy a coffin
I've decided to live everyday, like its my last.
=====
I saw a news report earlier saying the police had busted a counterfeit ring.
They're now saying it may not be a real counterfeit ring.
=====
If Paul McCartney was disqualified while taking part in the London Marathon, would the headlines read, "Paul McCartney: Banned On The Run"?
=====
Syria, "Are you going to save us America?"
America, "How much oil do you have?"
Syria "Fuck"
=====
My bank phoned me this morning to tell me I hadn't paid the last instalment of my identity theft insurance.
"But I haven't taken out any identity theft insurance?"
=====
Apparently, FIFA 14 is so realistic that if you play as Liverpool in career mode and make a bid for any player they automatically join Tottenham.
=====
I went to see a cosmetic brain surgeon today.
He made me look smarter.
=====
Result! I got my GCSE results.
I got five thousand two hundred and twenty seven B's.
Which was exactly what I needed to get into Bee Keepers' College.