I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms.
Like I'm not under enough pressure already.
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I'm playing the #imacelebrity drinking game.
Every time someone goes in that I recognise I have a drink.
#still sober
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Joey Essex gets a right slagging in the papers, but he doesn't let it get to him.
Mainly because he can't read.
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Why doesn't Peter Pan ever grow up?
Because they keep changing the fucking actor.
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Dress for the job you want, not the job you have' the new sign says at work.
So I went in naked.
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I was changing the oil in the wife's car whilst listening to the A-Team TV show music on my iPod
Somehow 7 minutes later it seems she now owns an armoured bus.
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There's no way I could go out with an agoraphobic.
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If your name's Andre never sign your name with a kiss.
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I've signed up to be an organ donor on one condition, they can't take my eyes.
I'll need them in hell to run away from all the priests.
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Ant (or Dec): "Nothing could prepare our celebrities for life in the Jungle."
Except a three-week intensive jungle survival course?
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I was walking home from the pub when I noticed a strange insect, covered in sick and beer, underneath a street-light.
It was a stag beetle.
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I can understand Google blocking child pornography searches, but couldn't they just email the 9 people who use Bing?
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As I snuggled up to this woman I met in the pub, I said, "We can have some alone time now. I've put your kids to sleep."
"How did you do it so quickly?," she asked.
"It wasn't too difficult," I replied, "I'm a vet."
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The only time Joey Essex will see an "A" on a test paper is when he writes his name.
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The British public have raised over £30M to help victims of the typhoon.
After the fuel costs have been factored in, we can just about afford to send a pack of chicken Super Noodles and a small pack of Paxo.
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It's not Rocket Science.
It's actually aerospace engineering.
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"How long do cats usually sleep for?" I asked the vet over the phone.
"On average about fifteen hours a day." he told me.
"So eight months is excessive then."
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I invited my American mate to the opening of my WW2 themed pub.
He was late.
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BBC News: Three women who were held as slaves in a London house have been freed after 30 years.
A psychologist warned the worst part of their ordeal is still to come, when they discover Dubstep and reality TV.
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My 86-year-old Grandad's always got a song in his heart.
Somehow his pacemaker picks up Radio 2.
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A report that an Alien spaceship sighting in the Nevada Desert during the summer of 1969 was covered up by the US military , has been dismissed as 'a ridiculous conspiracy theory'.
A spokesman added , " We were filming the Moon landings at the time. "
Daily Mail online: Victoria Beckham reveals mountain of shoes she's donating for The Philippines.
Because a girl's got to look her best, crawling through rubble.
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Now that my son can read, he has a habit of shouting out all the perverted shit written on the toilet wall while he is taking a piss.
I should probably redecorate.
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I was stuck in a shop for 8 hours today.
I tried to leave but the sign on the door stated that outside was closed.
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My mate and his wife haven't had sex for over a year yet she's 3 months pregnant.
Which begs the question.
How slow do his sperm swim?
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My attempts at making a ham soup are always ad hoc.
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My son was complaining because he can't find a girlfriend.
I said, "Maybe you're looking too hard."
So the next day he dyed his hair and got a Justin Bieber tattoo.
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"So we steal the baby from a hotel room, then stay off the radar, hiding out in barns and such until we get back home. What happens if anyone starts asking questions?"
"They can ask what they want, without a blood test they can prove nothing, so we tell them you are not the father, and I am a hemophiliac, job done"
"Are you sure Mary?"
"Yes Joseph"
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Just received a package from UK mail. The driver apologised for it being late, and has assured me it won't happen again.
So... Anyone expecting a delivery? cos it's not fucking mine.
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Dad, can I have a dog for Christmas?"
"I don't know, son. I think Katie Price is already spoken for."
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My girlfriend texted me today, "Pete, you're the only guy that has ever given me multiple orgasms."
I was stunned. Who's Pete?
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Which Star Wars droid turns the light switch on and off twenty times when entering a room?
OC-D2
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I don't believe in taking any prescription drugs for depression.
If I tell enough people in one day to go fuck themselves, I feel fucking great.
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I found a jester hat and a pair of pointy shoes with bells on the end at the back of my girlfriend's wardrobe.
She's fooling around behind my back again.
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I told my doctor I only smoke after the wife & I argue now.
Perhaps I should have told him my doctors appointment was the longest I had gone without a fag for weeks.
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Disney have released a star wars themed frying pan online.
The E-Wok.
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The three women held captive in a London home for 30 years are said to be suffering from extreme psychological trauma and major depression.
Expect to see them arriving in Albert Square any day now.
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My brother has ambitions to become the first male expert on the reproductive system of flowers.
To be honest I'd be put off by the stigma attached to it.
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I bought a new sofa last year and it's still got the plastic wrapper on.
It comes in really handy when I'm watching a movie and need a piss.
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This one time on ecstasy,I was so loving,I helped an old lady cross the road..
47 times..Poor thing.
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As I walked out of the supermarket with a sausage roll today, I noticed a message on the packaging that said 'Eat This Cold'
So I took my shirt off.
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According to prophecy, the opening of the first McDonald's drive-thru was the first sign of the coming of the Anti-Christ.
It was the birth of evil in-car'n'ate.